There is always the sun behind the clouds. Living happily

A woman is born for love and happiness.

To be happy and share love and joy with others is our inherent need and our destiny.

Happiness is an art that needs practice, like playing the violin.

John Lubloc

To my daughter Anastasia

who inspired me to write this book

Cover designer Ekaterina Lobacheva

Editor Paul Stepto

© Tatiana Grafova, 2021

© Ekaterina Lobacheva, cover design, 2021

ISBN 978-5-0053-4456-4

Created with Ridero smart publishing system

This book has been written for women.

All women without exception.

Regardless of their age and race, nationality or religion, education or occupation.

It does not mean, however, that it is an absolute taboo for men.

In fact, they will only benefit from reading it.

It will help them to understand us better and to live with us in peace and harmony.

Why and how I wrote this book

To be honest, I wrote this book for myself, as a remedy for a long period of spleen bordering on depression that I fell into when my husband left me and my teenage daughter and moved to another city. At that point my heart turned into a black empty hole that urgently needed to be filled with something pleasant, joyful and positive. I felt terribly miserable and had no idea about how to go on living and what to do in the new circumstances.

My teenage daughter who saw my suffering, pining and crying and behaving like a captured animal in a cage, was apparently very wise for her age, as once she said to me, Mom, you need to do something with yourself, find an interest or a hobby, some kind of distraction, otherwise you’ll end up in an asylum. Take up sport or something else, write a book…

I don’t know why she threw in this particular phrase about writing a book (up to that moment the only book I had ever written or published was an English course book for adults).

The idea of writing a book was so unexpected that at first I didn’t pay much attention to it. But my heart and soul apparently welcomed the idea with joy and readiness because it kept coming back and turning in my mind over and over again.

A few days later the planted seed sprang into life when one sleepless night I sat up in bed, turned on the light, took a pen and a piece of paper and started making notes on the future book about what I could do to get back my ability to feel joy and happiness.

I thought then, Why don’t I try to be a psychotherapist for myself and pull myself out of this abyss of apathy and sadness?

I desperately needed this book for myself, in the first place, so I wrote it for myself, summing up my own knowledge and life experience as well as all kinds of different methods, ways and practices I had ever read or heard about on how to cheer myself up, lift my spirits and regain my joie de vivre and my ability to enjoy the tastes and bright colours of life.

And you know, it worked! The positive effect didn’t keep me waiting long. I got so deeply and enthusiastically involved in writing the book that very soon I forgot about my depression altogether. I no longer felt lonely, unhappy or abandoned and started to enjoy life again. My bad mood vanished into thin air, the dark clouds in my mind and soul were gone. I let the sun in and life suddenly became exciting and meaningful again.

I got what I wanted – I got over my depression. Two months later the manuscript was finished and I realized that I was a lucky owner of a cure for sadness and depression of my own making, that if I ever feel low, I could always open my book and find the right recipe to deal with that.

As I have already said above, I wrote this book exclusively for myself, and the idea of publishing it didn’t even occur to me. But life sometimes dictates its own rules. Soon after finishing the book I met a friend of mine who had just got divorced and was in a psychological state very similar to the one I had been in a few months before. And I thought, What if I give her my manuscript to read? If it helped me, who knows, maybe it can help her too?

The following day my friend called me and said: I was reading your book all night and couldn’t stop. Thank you very much. I feel much better now. You know, you should publish it. It can help other women in time of trouble and despair, it can cheer them up when they are going through hard times.

I thought, Why not give it a try? – and I gave the manuscript to a literary agent, then for a while I forgot all about it. Several months later the agent called me back to say that one of the publishing houses was interested and ready to publish my book. That was a very pleasant surprise indeed! Thus, in 2006 the book was published under the title “Commandments of a happy woman”.

Now as soon as I find myself feeling sad and notice the first symptoms of low spirits and apathy I take my book from the shelf and start leafing it through to refresh in my memory my own advice given to myself, and then I realize that life is going on, everything is fine and will be even better, if only I don’t despair, if I think positive and live with faith in myself and a smile on my face, if I remember that all the problems and troubles will eventually go away, if I don’t forget that hard times always preceed a change for the better, but first and foremost, if I never stop loving life and people around me and feeling grateful for everything.

When I happen to be in a bad mood (I am only human, after all) my friends would joke and ask me, When did you open your book last time? And then I remember with a smile that there is always the sun behind the clouds.

I hope that this book will help my readers to cheer up and stay positive and optimistic, whatever happens and despite everything.

Acknowledgments

I would have never written this book if my husband hadn’t left me and my daughter, then I wouldn’t have fallen into a deep depression that made me start writing this book in an attempt to get rid of it. So I’m grateful to my ex-husband Vladimir and to my depression, both of which are now gone and left in the past, thank God!

I would like to express my deep and sincere gratitude to my daughter Anastasia who accidentally dropped the phrase, Why don’t you write a book to distract yourself from sad thoughts? Of course, we all know that nothing in our life is really accidental, maybe my guardian angel or my subconscious, or both of them were speaking to me through her?

I want to say thank you to Julia Kazak who first brought up the idea of publishing this book and convinced me that it might be useful for other women too, not just myself.

I am very grateful to Natalia Sanina, my literary agent and friend, who supported my literary debut and helped me to publish the first Russian edition of this book.

I’m extremely grateful to my relatives and friends for being part of my life, for their support and faith in me.

We are very special

Dear women,

We are all so different.

No matter how hard you try, you will never find two identical raindrops, snowflakes or two identical grains of sand in a desert.

Likewise, there simply don’t exist two fully identical women.

Each of us is special and unique.

Each has her own individual charm.

But we all have one thing in common:

We belong to the exclusive race of women, and that speaks for itself.

No matter what politicians say about the equality of sexes and emancipation, we are very different from what is traditionally referred to as the “strong sex”.

It does not mean that we are better, or the other way around.

All it means is that we are very-very-very-very-very different from each other.

We, women, are special. We are not made of the same stuff men are made of.

Do you remember the children’s rhyme “What are little boys (and little girls) made of?”

Well, all the answers are there. And mind you, I’m only half-joking.

There is a lot of truth in that, even if it’s a little exaggerated.

Men and women don’t feel and perceive the world in the same way.

We are different both physiologically and psychologically.

Even our brain functions differently.

They say, the two hemispheres of a man’s brain work in turn, one after another.

Whereas in a woman’s brain both function simultaneously.

And who knows? – It may well be really the case!

Perhaps this explains why women can easily do two or even three things simultaneously, whereas a man can only do one thing at a time.

Men are known to love with their eyes and women – with their ears.

We are different in the way we experience orgasm.

We have a different sensitivity to pain: women are generally much more tolerant to it than men.

To cut the long story short, we are different in so many respects that it’s only natural that our needs should also be different and that we should have our own understanding of what happiness is all about. And as a logical consequence – our own, typically female means and ways of achieving it.

I know what I’m talking about because I happen to be a woman.

I have already walked my difficult path to happiness.

And now I want to share some of my discoveries made on the way and some secrets based on my own life experience that might help you to master the art of living happily ever after.

The Tibetian monks believe that wise people learn from other people’s mistakes, whereas those who choose to learn only from their own, subject themselves to unnecessary pain and suffering.

So why not try to be wise?

It’s obvious that there can be no single, unique and ready-made recipe of happiness for all of us.

It goes without saying and it is clear as broad daylight.

Each of us has her own style of wearing her clothes and her hair, her own special way of baking an apple pie.

And quite naturally, each of us must find her own way to happiness.

Simply because each of us is unique.

Each has to find her own Golden Key to open the secret door.

But still…

I am sure that each of you will find some useful hints and clues in this book, at least one or two “recipes” that you might like to try and that will help you to discover your own road to happiness.

I wish you a nice trip and good luck on the way!

To become happy is not always as difficult as it may seem at first glance.

Very often we ourselves overcomplicate our life and our relations with other people – our friends, husbands and lovers, children, bosses and subordinates.

In order to be happy, first and foremost you must sincerely want it, desire it with all your heart and soul.

As you know, Where there is a will there is a way.

Abraham Lincoln once said: “Most people are happy to the extent they wish to be happy. Happiness is inside us. It is not the result of outside circumstances”.

And it is a well-known fact that if a woman wants something really badly, there is no stopping her.

She can move mountains!

Or don’t you agree with me?

Well, now, if you want to become happy, start acting right now!

Don’t put it off till tomorrow!

As the saying has it: For a wise person every day opens a door to a new life.

A parable about the monk who committed a sin

Once I went to a lecture given by a well-known Russian Orthodox priest.

And he told us the following parable:

A young monk went to the nearby town on some errand for the monastery.

Once in town, he met a very beautiful girl, could not resist the temptation and committed a sin, breaking the vow of celibacy.

The next day he went to town again and on his way the Devil came up to him and said:

“You have sinned and cannot go back to the monastery and continue to serve God like you did before. Stay in this world and enjoy its pleasures to the full”.

And he tried to tempt him and persuade him not to return to the monastery.

But the monk said to him: “Yesterday it wasn’t me, it was somebody else”.

And he returned to his fellow-monks and to his former sinless and righteous life.

What is the message of this parable?

Why did the monk say that the day before it had not been him?

I think this is what it all means:

Of course, we can’t change our yesterday’s actions.

What is done cannot be undone.

But this does not mean that if we made a mistake yesterday, we can’t correct it today and start a new life.

On the contrary, we can and probably should let bygons be bygones, or let the dead bury their dead.

The wise monks living in the mountains of Tibet have always believed that there are no mistakes in life. There are only lessons to be learnt to move forward.

And the more difficult the obstacles we have to overcome, the more we can eventually achieve in our life.

Today is another day. And we are different from what we were yesterday.

As the Greek philosopher Heraclitus said 500 years B.C.,

You can’t go into the same river twice.

Certainly, we can’t because everything flows and changes, including ourselves.

This means that it is never too late to turn over a new leaf and start your life afresh.

Why not do it today?

Why not start right now?

Yesterday is dead and gone.

You can’t change it and it’s no use crying over spilt milk.

Tomorrow is out of sight.

So let’s stop being hostages of our past or building castles in the air and living in the world of dreams and make-belief, like Manilov – N.V.Gogol’s character from “The Dead Souls”.

You have to understand:

The true, real life is only here and now.

It is the present moment.

And this very moment can radically change your whole life.

But only upon one condition, only if you really want it.

If you are willing to change yourself, without expecting the world and the people around you to change first. If you are full of determination to change your attitude to life and to yourself.

If you are not yet ready for change, better close this book.

Put it aside till better times.

There is right time for everything under the sun.

Maybe your time has not come yet.

Or you have to find another way.

Well… if you have not yet thrown this book away into the nearest dustbin,

If you are still reading it …

No matter where you are now …

Even if you are in an overcrowded bus and are already late for the University or for work, close your eyes for one moment and say to yourself – under your breath but clearly and with feeling and conviction: “I want to be happy and I will be happy, by all means!

Nothing and nobody can stop me and stand in my way.

I’m setting out on my road to happiness right here and now.

This very minute.

This very second”.

Are you ready?

Then say these words and smile!

Yes, smile to yourself, smile at yourself and at the whole world around you.

Right here and now.

Why?

Because smile is the first commandment of a happy woman.

Chapter one
The magic of a smile

Share your smile with others and it will return to you many times.

(from the Russian children’s song “Smile”)

If you want life to smile at you, first give it your good mood as a gift.

(Spinoza)

If you are at home now, come up to the mirror.

Look yourself in the eyes, smile and say to your own reflection: “You are so pretty, clever, kind … (I don’t have to tell you about yourself. You know your own strong points and what a wonderful person you really are much better than anybody else).

I love you and accept you the way you are.

You deserve happiness and all the very best in life”.

But I must warn you: It may not work the first time.

I, too, found it a difficult thing to do at first.

Why so?

The answer is very simple.

It is because some of us have forgotten (or perhaps have never learnt) what it means to love ourselves.

But we are going to talk about that a little later in the book.

No matter where you are at the moment,

Even if you are in an overcrowded metro train during the peak of the rush hour,

Balancing on one foot and holding on to the rail with one hand and clutching this book in the other, all the same, smile!

Smile to yourself, smile at yourself and at the people around you.

I can hear some of you saying, “What is she talking about?! Is she crazy?

I will look like an idiot!”

Don’t think about what others might think of you.

Do you really care about what others might think of you?

We are now talking about you and your own happiness!

But if you still feel a little doubtful, I’ll tell you about one episode from my life.

An episode from my life

It happened a long time ago, when I was a University student.

Imagine a nasty day.

It has been raining non-stop since early morning and it is still drizzling with rain.

My mood is just as gloomy and hopeless as the weather.

I get off the bus into the grey joyless mist.

I make several steps forward.

Out of the corner of my eye I can see my bus slowly starting to move …

It is catching up with me and is about to pass me by when…

For reasons beyond my knowledge or understanding I raise my head … and meet the eyes of the bus-driver.

He is a handsome young fellow, a total stranger.

I see him for the first time in my life.

And he is smiling at me.

Suddenly and unexpectedly …

I can’t really explain why or how…

I return his smile and …

A miracle happens!

All of a sudden I feel absolutely and unconditionally happy.

My morning sadness and depression have both vanished into the thin rainy air.

They are gone with the wind.

I square my shoulders and raise my chin.

I feel beautiful and cloudlessly happy.

I never met this bus-driver again.

I don’t even clearly remember his face.

But there is something I remember perfectly well up to the present day:

It is the amazing feeling of total bliss that I felt when he smiled at me and I smiled back at him.

As simple as that!

Just one smile – as a gift from heaven.

A stranger’s smile and my smile in return.

And on the nastiest day of the year there was bright sun shining in my heart.

I was in a very good mood the whole of that day.

I felt as if I had suddenly grown wings and could fly.

It was almost like walking on air.

Whatever I did, went smoothly and perfectly.

Many years have passed since that day.

But even now when I feel sad, I go back in time and recollect that smile.

As a very special gift from the past.

And what is even more important – I can see it in my mind’s eye.

I can relive in my heart the feeling of happiness that I experienced at that moment.

And this nice and warm feeling comes back to me again.

On that cloudy and nasty day I understood and felt from the very bottom of my heart what people mean when they talk about the magic of a smile.

Since that unforgettable day these words are no longer simply a figure of speech for me.

Not just words with no meaning behind them.

They are a reminder of a miracle.

A memory that is always with me and has become part of my soul, as my secret token of good luck.

The song sung by a well-known Russian actress Ludmila Gurchenko in the film “The Carnival” has the following words:

If you leave home with a frown on your face,

If the sunny day doesn’t make you happy,

Let a total stranger smile at you as if you were his friend.

And then a smile will lighten up your eyes.

And your good mood will stay with you for the rest of the day.

A smile can perform miracles!

This is the truth.

Pure truth.

Nothing but the truth.

I know it from my own experience.

Sometimes it lasts but one moment but the memory of it may stay with you forever.

An obvious conclusion arises from this:

Try to smile more often.

Don’t be afraid of looking silly.

Your smile can change a lot of things for the better.

It will bring light and joy into your own life and into the lives of the people around you.

There is no doubt about it!

Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.

Even if you are not a born altruist or a Good Samaritan at heart, you have to understand one simple thing:

It is in your own selfish – in the good sense of the word – interests:

A smile brings out the best in a woman.

It improves her looks better that the most expensive make-up.

It immediately makes her look a lot younger and much-much more attractive.

Don’t worry about a few extra mimicry wrinkles!

It has long been tested and proven:

What really ages a woman and spoils her good looks is her negative emotions,

a gloomy, unhappy and dissatisfied face.

I try never to forget the words of a magic fairy from the film “Cinderella”:

We, fairies, are such delicate creatures that sadness ages us,

whereas joy makes us look younger.

This is true not only about fairies but also about women in general.

If you are not used to smiling, start learning right now!

Don’t put it off till tomorrow.

Practise in front of a mirror.

Learn to smile sincerely and openly, to smile from your very heart.

It is useless just to spread your lips in a poor imitation of a smile.

Learn to smile not only with your lips but also with your eyes.

When you smile, your eyes should shine and radiate light!

Don’t forget that our eyes are the windows of our soul.

Like any other skill, smiling requires practice. Fortunately, there should be no problem with that. Anybody can serve as a “guiney-pig”:

• your boss and colleagues

• your family and friends

• strangers in the street

• shop-assistants in a supermarket

• or fellow-passengers in public transport.

Try and you will make it!

It’s not difficult at all!

And very soon you’ll see the results.

If you are used to wearing a serious, gloomy or worried look on your face, if it has become a habit, an inalienable part of your character and your life style, almost your second nature, if you find it difficult to start giving smiles right and left, remember the happiest day of your life, or simply a nice funny episode.

Try to relive it again in your mind’s eye and smile!

This may become your first step on the road to happiness.

One more episode from my life

I remember my first trip to Paris.

I had been dreaming about it for years.

It was April. The chestnut trees were in full blossom.…

I was walking the streets, looking right and left … with every cell of my body inhaling the fascinating and intoxicating air of this wonderful city… and feeling on top of the world from sheer joy.

I was brimming with happiness!

And at some point I realized that I was walking along the street with a broad smile on my face, as they say, “a big smile – from ear to ear”.

But I was feeling so good that I simply couldn’t and, for that matter, didn’t want to restrain myself and hide a smile. And I didn’t care about what others might think of me.

I didn’t need any special reasons or permissions to smile and feel happy.

Despite everything and against all possible rules and conventions!

If you want to learn to smile again, let me give you a piece of friendly advice.

Try to remember the time when you were in love.

Imagine you are walking along the street or across the park … and all of a sudden you remember HIM.

A happy smile appears on your face.

It happens quite naturally, of its own accord.

You simply can’t help yourself because you are filled with joy, and it spills over – in the form of a smile.

And what’s even more important – remember the feeling of boundless happiness that you experienced at that moment.

Emotional memory is known to be the strongest and most lasting kind of memory, at least with us, women.

You can forget many details of some episode in your life.

But not your emotional state, if this episode was emotionally charged, if it involved strong feelings.

Try to remember that blissful state of being in love and to experience it again.

And then you will smile very easily, without any special effort on your part.

And you will feel so much better – as if a burden has been lifted off your shoulders, setting your soul free.

By the way, the Chinese believe that one should smile at everybody.

Even when you pick up the phone to answer a call or to give somebody a call.

They are absolutely convinced: the person on the other end of the line is sure to feel your smile and his soul is bound to react to it.

If you have doubts, try and test it yourself.

Moreover, make it a rule:

Even if the people around refuse to smile at you, show your generosity of heart and give them your smile.

In fact, it is those who don’t know how to smile themselves, who need other people’s smiles more desperately than anybody else.

Be generous in giving your smiles.

It doesn’t cost you anything.

But it does both yourself and others a world of good.

Well, here we are coming to …

The first commandment of a happy woman:

Smile as often as possible.

Smile both at friends and strangers, at yourself and at the world around you.

And then the world is sure to smile back at you and bring you most unexpected and pleasant surprises.