The development of emotional intelligence is gaining increasing importance (is becoming more popular nowadays). But what it means, no one fully understands. There are many definitions of this concept, the main one is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions and those of the people around you. But is that enough? What does it mean to understand emotions?

To understand the emotion, first of all, you should know how to identify it, give it a name and change if necessary. The mechanism of the birth of emotions is not so simple, the emotion is not born in a random order, it connects with our innermost psychological processes in the structure of our personality. Emotions are not only a reaction to the real circumstances in our life, but a kind of connection with our ancestors, with the more global systems – family, dynasty and nation. We feel only 10% of emotions from the present moment, the rest 90% is emotions in the combination of systemic feelings connected with our deepest convictions which appeared far in the past, long before our birth, they are kept in our subconscious and manage our life.

But first things first.

To start, we are offering to open a test at the end of the book and define your subjective level of Emotional Intelligence to notice the changes that will happen with you while reading “Theory of Emotional Relativity”.

Gratitude

We’ve done it! Finally, the book took the very shape that is in front of you. I am happy and at the same time I don’t believe that we’ve managed to transfer the years of experience into an easy-to-read text. Perhaps, you notice, my dear readers, I always use the plural number? And this is not because of superiority complex but because of a lot of people devoted their energies to create this work. I begin with the first and the most important “heroes” of this book – our clients and those who had enough courage to dive into the ocean of unclear emotions, adapt and become a captain who manages his “Life” boat. Your endless trust, surprised and inspired eyes were that very light put us in the right way. Your sincere interest and readiness to study from the beginning unconscious flow and stabling blocks of emotional life sphere let us create and improve our models and algorithms. And your obvious transformations during our training programs and consultations gave us constant confirmations of effectiveness and usefulness of our work. Your gratitude as the main of senses (you know!), supported me and my team on the way to creation.

I’d also like to express gratitude to my parents who gave me birth and love and, as well as my countless teachers whom I don’t even dare to name so as not to miss someone. Your lectures, trainings, practical tasks, master-classes, webinars and books formed my life approach. Coaching, Enneagram, NLP, Family Constellation – mastered directions through your help. Each of these methods shed light on emotional life sides and all together acquired the necessary volume and consistency.

This book has never shaped without my “favorite osteopath”, attentive and interested listener, friend, opponent, coach, transcriber and text editor, Alena Rabkevich. A year left when you agreed to accept this challenge, and support, and help me to create this “Emotional Bestseller”, “The Book of Emotional Changes”, “The Book of Feelings” and “Practical Guide for the Development of Awareness and Emotional Intelligence”. Thank you so much for your attention, which you were listening to my emotional narratives with, asked me clarifying questions, made me look for and find simple and clear examples describing difficult things. The time together, spending on the book creation, glided effectively.

And the biggest thank to my husband, Evgeny, he is my personal trainer and coach, who was constantly urging me and terrorizing me to finish this book, that he even agreed to write these thanks to everyone involved instead of me. Here he is so cool and modest, and I love him very much, although he infuriates me regularly.

Thanks a lot.

Inna Zakharova

Human Needs

A need is a state of a living being, expressing a dependence on what constitutes the conditions of its existence. A. Maslow in his pyramid described these needs. They can be divided into three varieties: physiological needs, psychological needs, spiritual needs.

Every person has his leading psychological need. The need can be considered as a basic one if it is satisfied by the following conditions:

• if needs are totally unsatisfied, it leads to a disease

• if needs are satisfied, it cures a disease

• In conditions of free choice, a person prefers to satisfy this particular need

As for

physiological needs, everything is clear and obvious. If you don’t satisfy such needs as eating, sleeping, breathing and drinking – our body begins hurting and at the end died. Even an unsatisfied need in sexual relationships leads to race suicide. Our instincts, innate behavioral patterns, control satisfying these needs. The goal of instincts is to automatize all processes which help our organism to survive.

As for psychological needs, everything is not so clear. Emotions are instincts of a higher order. Their aim is to emphasize the importance of certain conditions for fulfilling actual needs.

Since ancient times, almost all living creatures cared for unity to deal with external threats, because where alone cannot cope with – together will be able to: “One man, no man.”

So there is an important need of man – to belong, to be part of something larger, and at the same time, a very strong fear of exclusion appears, which could mean certain death.

A group of people, united by one common goal is a system and the borders of this system define certain rules, which all group members must follow them. Following the hierarchy and following the rules means recognizing and respecting the whole system. Violation of the rules is followed by punishment, the most serious one is liquidation or exclusion. Duties and rights are determined by the hierarchy, which is also an important component of the system, primarily the tribal system, and all other systems are built on its principle.

It turns out that the opportunity to belong to a group carries new dangers: how to survive within a group, how to become an important part of it, to get better conditions for existence within a group, to take its place in the hierarchy (it’s good when you have a higher position: you have more rights and better conditions, but there are more responsibilities).

Studying emotional intelligence, we cannot consider a person as a separate unit. Man is a social being, and emotions are a connection with everyone around us. Emotions are always relationships, if there are emotions, it means there are relationships. There are always emotions, so we are always in a relationship. Even if a person is moved to a complete vacuum, he will have relationships and will experience emotions, primarily towards himself.

Relations with oneself are also systemic in nature, each “I” consists of “mother + father.” Self-attitude is formed on the basis of each parent’s self-relationship + partnerships + parent-child relationship up to the 7

generation in geometric progression.

As a result, the fate of 254 people of our family can influence us, we can add to them people who seriously affected the system (aggressors, victims, philanthropists of large sums, etc.), because they also became a part of the system. It does not matter when such events happened, if at that moment the incident was not accepted, the emotional tension is maintained and transmitted on an emotional level from generation to generation.

Feelings are emotions of a higher order. Their goal is to emphasize phenomena which have stable motivating importance.

For example, if your ancestors were starving, you will keep to diets or be anxious about an empty refrigerator. If there were abandoned children in the system, you will have a desire to help orphanages, pick up homeless animals, think of adopting children, or you do not want to have children at all. Usually people don’t even realize the reason for this behavior: “I just don’t like children” and this may be a systemic feeling of guilt or even belonging. In order to fit into the system, we can do not only good and gracious things, but also things that other people condemn. For example, a teenager smokes to be a part of the company of smoking friends. So a girl can easily have an abortion if her mother and grandmother did it, and will not grieve, since this has already been a systemic rule, the women in this family do in this way, and she is one of them. And it doesn’t matter that the grandmother had an abortion in order to survive, the mother, in order to feed the elders, the granddaughter can do this simply because “25 years is not the time to give birth, I need to build a career.” There are no simple cause-and-effect relationships; the logic in family systems is circular.

To realize the importance of the emotional component of our life and the influence of our emotions not only our lives, but also on our descendants, we should consider emotions from a systemic point of view. In subsequent chapters, we will consider systemic laws and feelings that monitor their implementation. So, what are psychological needs and what applies to them:

Safety is lack of anxiety about the future, balance of stability/change, adequate resources for survival, support, internal leadership, faith.

Love is acceptance, attention, communication, unity, belonging.

Respect is the protection and expansion of the boundaries of influence, significance, independence, autonomy, rules, order.

It turns out that psychological satisfaction is having your place in a larger-scale system where you are supported and respected the boundaries of your spheres of influence, which are constantly expanding with maturation. This is happiness.

A man needs to be loved, understood, recognized, respected and be close to someone; he also needs to be successful in business, studies and work; has an opportunity to fulfill his potential, develop his abilities, improve himself, respect himself. The general law here is simple: “A positive attitude towards oneself and satisfied needs are the basis of psychological health.”

What is important to remember:

1. Satisfying basic needs is a condition of survival.

2. It is distinguished between physical, psychological and spiritual needs.

3. Instincts, emotions, feelings arose in the process of evolution to automate the satisfaction of needs, that is, the conditions of survival.

4. Feelings in the present moment are a connection to the past and an attitude towards the future.

Self-perception

Having been born, the child automatically gets its place in the family system. Satisfying his needs is entire parents’ responsibility. The development level of the child’s personality depends on parental ability to cope with it. All three psychological needs are important. This means that it is important to take care of the child and help him to feel safe, at the same time to give him the opportunity to cope with problems on his own to feel respect for himself, look at him kindly, speak kind words, have tactile contact that the child feels love. On the basis of these attitudes, which determine the attitude towards oneself and the world, the entire emotional sphere of a growing-up child is formed, which comes to life.

Three main patterns:

1. The world is safe. I have all the resources to come over problems.

In this case, the need for security will be satisfied by internal resources, a person trusts his feelings and thoughts, fearlessly makes his own decisions regarding his life. This attitude helps to feel calm, confident in a situation of uncertainty. Otherwise, there is a pattern “The world is unpredictable and full of dangers. I don’t have enough strength to cope with it”, it forces a person to seek security at the expense of external resources “If others support me and circumstances will help me, then I can get through them”, then all his decisions are determined by the situation, but he does not rely on his own feelings and thoughts, but on the opinion of significant people who still questioned.

Self-confidence (security)

2. I accept myself as I am. I am interesting and valuable for myself.

This internal pattern is a characteristic of those people who love and value themselves, it allows them to be themselves in any situation, and don’t be dependable on the assessment of others, such people calmly remain alone with themselves, privacy for them is an opportunity to stay in company with an interesting person. Otherwise, there is a pattern: “I do not accept myself as I am. I am not interesting and not valuable for myself.” People usually treat themselves in this way and don’t even realize it, carefully hiding their weaknesses, prettifying themselves with external attributes, stories, reinforcing themselves, wanting attention and acceptance from others: “If I’m interesting and attractive to other people, I like myself.” Thus, receiving confirmation that he can be loved. Or “If others do not notice me, if they do not admire me, do not thank me, so I am not good enough for myself”. Such people are most afraid of loneliness, it is perceived as rejection, exclusion.

Self-love

3. I am, I am important, I am significant as an independent unit.

This pattern allows a person to feel the strength in himself to influence his life, start significant projects with a challenge, move to his own desires, focus on himself, first of all, be responsible for his decisions and desires. With such a life position, a person decides what to do, but not to think about ideas which help him not to do anything. This is an adult position and adult freedom. The opposite self-perception is: “I don’t feel my own significance and importance, I can’t influence anything.” In this case, it is observed as an aggressive desire to make others respect himself: “If I don’t depend on anyone, people ask for my permission and opinions, listen to me, so I’m an important person”, or total sufferance when a person is absent in his own life and fully under the influence of loved ones: “Anything rather than conflicts”. Having a strong will to compensate the lack of respect for himself, a person seeks external confirmation. If he does not find it, he experiences extremely negative feelings: “If I am dependent on others, people neglect my opinion; my voice does not affect anything, which means I do not consider myself important.”

Self-respect

All three needs are important for each of us, but there are also individual characteristics – their degree of relevance is different. The need, which is of great relevance according to the structure of our personality, is the leading one. Unknowingly, most of our life time we spend on it, sacrificing others. For example, a person who has a leading need for love can be involved in deliberately unsafe situations after the person from whom he wants to receive it. A person with a leading need for respect, wants to feel his own worth and makes himself respect, can sacrifice acceptance, attention, destroying ties with loved ones.

It is the same situation with security. When a person follows this need, he does not make important decisions, as he doesn’t know what they may lead to, and eventually lose his self-esteem.

What is important to remember:

1. Safety, love, respect – basic psychological needs (survival conditions).

2. Prioritization of needs depends on self-perception.

3. The formation of self-perception of the child is the responsibility of the parent.

4. Satisfying the needs and development of a mature personality is the responsibility of its owner.

5. A low level of personality development – a stable negative attitude towards oneself. A high level of personality development is trust, love and self-respect.

Values

All people have values and treasure them very much. But some things are valuable to one person and absolutely indifferent to the other. So why do we assign the value to some things and phenomena, but not to others? Value means importance, significance, benefit. On the one hand, it seems that value is a real characteristic of an object or phenomenon and significance and usefulness are not inherited from nature, but they are our subjective measures. We consider the value important and valuable only if it is involved in our life and we are truly interested in it, and therefore need.

All values can be divided into three groups. It is connected, as you may guess, with the existence of three psychological needs. One group of values satisfies security needs, receiving them, we feel calm and anxiety is releasing. Another list of values satisfies the need for love, receiving which we feel acceptance, we feel a deep connection with the object, we feel beautiful. And the third group of values – values that satisfy the need for respect, having received it, we feel strong, large, significant, cool.

It means that values serve our needs.

The existence of valuable, in our view, things and phenomena in our lives leads to satisfaction, and the absence, on the contrary, causes states of depression and dissatisfaction with life and ourselves. There are a lot of such values in our life; it is a whole system in which there is a hierarchy. We make all our decisions on the basis of this hierarchy of values from buying products in the store to choosing a partner for business or family life.

The hierarchy of values is a system of guidelines in all spheres of human life. Usually, if you ask a person what is important to him, you can hear the answer: family, children, work, travel, etc. These are all spheres of life, contexts in which we satisfy our needs for safety, love and respect.

There is also a hierarchy in the spheres of our life, someone devotes himself completely to work, and someone to the family. The truth is that the more spheres of life which we are realized in, the happier we are. Speaking of values, we, first of all, talk about the quality of life. To understand your values, you need to answer these questions:

What is important for me in my work?

What is important for me in relations with my parents?

What is important for me in relationships

with my partner?

What is important for me in relations with my children?

What does this subjective value depend on? Why does one person, buying a chair, pay attention to its reliability and durability, another to beauty and elegance, and the third one to the price. Moreover, it’s important for someone to buy cheaper to save resources, and for someone more expensive to emphasize their capabilities and significance.

The individual internal hierarchy of psychological needs prioritizes values exactly.

Nominalization

You must have noticed that different people, speaking the same definitions, often mean the different experiences that lie behind them. For example, when you say “I will be soon”, what period of time do you mean? “Soon” – it is when? Is it 5—10 minutes, 1—1.5 hours, immediately? To feel what we are talking about, answer yourself this question, and then ask it to your relatives.

Nominalization means words that do not denote a specific object, their meaning is often subjective and can be interpreted in different ways. Examples: happiness, support, individuality, control – each of these concepts can be understood in different ways by different people.

To estimate your values, you need to be as sincere with yourself as possible, it is 100% individual work, you have to unveil on your own what experience and meaning are behind such words as “love”, “support”, “freedom”, “responsibility”, “respect”, “justice”, etc. Sometimes people say: “I need your support”, but actually they feel the lack of love, presence, the other person’s attention and call all these things “support”.

“Support” as a value which means the need for security, is not only the presence or approval of another person, support implies very often specific actions, assistance in some business, taking on some responsibility. In this case, support will have a broader meaning. Of course, there are situations when it’s enough to be near and just say: “Well done! Everything is Ok! Do as you do.” Such support helps to resolve internal doubts which sound something like this: “Am I on the right way? Am I looking in the right direction? Am I normal? Am I good?” In this case, approval really gives strength, because confirmation from a significant person weakens doubts and self-confidence increases.

“Attention” means the need for love, and when it comes to this, it is enough just the presence of another person nearby. A man can do nothing for you now, but if he looks at you with a keen look, catches your every word, at the very moment you feel loved, special, beautiful internally and externally. There is a message “you are what I need now”, it creates a very favorable state and satisfies the need for communication and acceptance.

In the same way we very often put different concepts into the word “freedom”. The value of “freedom” is more related to the need for respect. Freedom is to do what I want, I decide what I do, no one can limit me in making decisions, in actions, in movements. It is important to understand that such freedom cannot exist without responsibility. If I’m in charge, I make decisions, so I’m responsible for everything. Thus, the need for respect is satisfied and in this case:</

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Theory of emotional relativity. Practical guide to the development of awareness and emotional intelligence

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