Loe raamatut: «Abu. To Be Who You Are», lehekülg 4
Life is not necessary a soap opera with endless drama and troubles. There is always some space for changes at any time, any moment of life, and I’ve become to notice that the range of new opportunities and unexpected chances around me expanded. Daily lectures on India history and culture were held by two instructors in turns, they not only knew the theory perfectly but have also done not only one season themselves.
Already on “getting to know each other” stage at our first lesson in Moscow, in Arbat where out training took place, I’ve realized where I had got into. I was surrounded by absolutely not random people. Each student introduced and told about himself in a few words. Here was a guy who worked as an army translator during six years and knew English and Arabian languages, the girl from Sakhalin who taught English and knew Japanese, two guys knew English and Spanish languages and they have graduated from MSU; teachers, interpreters, flight attendants, tourist guides with over seven years of work experience, journalists..
Initially, I was seized with an admiration from a new generation, and suddenly an understanding that I was among them by some miracle has come over me. I’ve become convincing myself that I belong to the group of those rare lucky guys, who are able to turn their hobby into the work and to use their skills from the previous jobs for the present activities. I need to become more productive, effective and happy. “The work of a tourist guide only will help me to reveal my creative side as a theatre actress” – I’ve decided, and tried not to puss out.
Focusing on the development of my own emotional and spiritual levels, I didn’t compare myself with others. I started training my memory skills, to awake the sleeping talents, the improvisation and the ability to think rationally in any situation. Before, I would be overwhelmed with doubts, beat myself up with the question: “what am I doing here among these young achievers?”, I would be terrified just with the thoughts about big changes in my life, was doubtful even of the correctness of my dreams. But now I’ve had faith in myself. My own journey has begun and I followed my own heart desires. I’ve transformed my current thought stream and intentionally turned it in the right direction: no panic. The things you take easy don’t control you anymore. And I haven’t given up.
The time has come. All courses were over, the car was sold. I doubt there was anyone happier than me. Happiness is contagious. The happier you are, the happier all around you are. And although fairytales don’t exist, I attempted to live a not boring life full of adventures.
Yes, I felt his absence during forty years. “There’re no perfect people, but there’s always someone perfect for you.” I believed to Bob Marley. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited, meanwhile, for the imagination even the world is not enough. And Abu had already settled in my imagination.
Clearly connected by something bigger than just an incident, our friendly group has arrived at the airport as a whole by the agreed time. The date of the flight matched one girl from our group’s birthday. And we were celebrating on the run, at the airport. We all were like a family, all so different we’ve become very close to each other after this one-month training. Our company indeed were quite motley, but very tight-knit. Everyone has noted that fact.
On arrival in India, we were going to have a guided tour- going all the way to all the tourist destinations which our tourist company provided. And it was much more interesting when we’ve been already prepared theoretically. By some joke at the baggage claim exactly our birthday girl’s baggage had been lost. But it didn’t discourage us and I shared my clothes with her. The organizers attempted to plan everything in the best possible way. And if our training in Moscow has been paid by us, then all expenses on the guided tour were covered by the company. The flight tickets, the accommodation, the food and the visas all was paid by the company. We’ve landed in Delhi. The only difference between a good and a bad day- is how you take it! It was just a perfect day! And one more time “Namaste” India! Things moved so fast that we just didn’t pay attention to some minor irritants: trash, dust, dirty streets, slum, deadly odour from the Yamuna river.
The amount of information, the rate we moved and the constant talks with each other have turned into a carousel from which I wasn’t allowed to fall out in spite of my age. My head was spinning around, but I’ve kept on making notes and my big note-book was going to an end. Sometimes I sketched the routes, wrote down English words and Indian names by Russian letters. But I really had lack of time for the English grammar. Nothing could stop me, everything brought some joy. I was always uplifted and in a very good mood, which was helping me to keep on my toes. All that was happening could be compared with a non-stop rotating caleidoscope. Everything was spinning before my eyes and inside my head, carrying me away into the depth of the Samsara wheel. Everything was rushing with the speed of sound but left to me the impressions and the gratitude for I’ve had a chance to see all that, to hear, to visit the places, to value, to remember and to make my collection of the exciting stories for my public. My audience was waiting for me, my new spectators the tourists.
Three days later our group of twenty people have been going already for a week tour to see tourist sites of Karnataka. The wasn’t even a sign of tiredness on our faces. Waking up the early morning we packed our stuff and took our places in the car. Among already familiar faces I’ve noticed a fresh one.
I’ve turned around at the sounds of the voice which seemed to me rich and credible. Such voice certainly used to be heard, a very good speaking voice with strong vocal cords and articulate speech; it was deep, loud and graceful at the same time. He was talking with an intonation of the BBC newscaster. The voice belonged to not tall, dark-skinned, sporty type man with sparkling eyes, who was rubbing his earlobe with the big and the index fingers. ABU.
He stood out among all others not only by his bright red t-shirt, the cap with a long brim and the natural tan skin, but he had a discerning eye with the light resembling the first rays of the rising sun. And only the small Mephistopheles beard was sticking up on his clean-shaven skull. It seemed to me that he was gazing through all the dimensions at the same time. With a springy walk, he has come to the crowd of the tour participants taking seats in the cars. Who was he? The guy has joined our big group so naturally, that not all at once spotted him. He was talking with the organizers, shaking the hands and was quite active in general. ABU.
I couldn’t catch the meaning of his words as he spoke English. But I could hear how clear and beautiful was his voice, I stood and stared at his sincere, open, wide smile with which he used to charm the people around him so easily. He carried himself so naturally without a shadow of being phoney or any attempts to show off that he has immediately taken over you. ABU.
Abu and me were sitting in different cars, that was decided by the organizers. But at every stop, for breakfast, lunch or sightseeing, Abu filled out the entire space and seized the attention of the people around him. And I still couldn’t get a single word. Although I’ve right away noted his talent and the acting ability for he was grabbing attention like a magnet. There have been quite a few Indians with us, but Abu was everyone’s favourite. He was charismatic, one of a kind, a man with the spirit capable to engage you, arouse your interest and hold your attention, he could easily make you laugh or to make you think without any attempts to preach. Even without understanding the meaning of the words, I could see how he controlled the audience and it has helped me to realize the way of the right interaction with tourists like an actress in front of theatre spectators.
My thoughts flow was interrupted by the laughter around me not just once, everyone was laughing at Abu jokes. I was the only one who was giving a poor reaction. He had an incredible ability to lead people by his own example and to infect them with his own interest. His approach was so energetically powerful, that even me with no getting a meaning, caught myself smiling. I just nodded my head from time to time like a china doll. His leadership was beyond any descriptions, you could only experience it. My feminine has been charmed by his magnetism, but as I couldn’t understand his words, I just savoured his image and the sound of his voice. Although the failure to get the point of his speech hurt me with some jealousy.
The day full of events has begun with the first stop for breakfast near a roadside inn. They have shown us a washroom and I went there to check the place to have an idea where to send my future tourists to. Under the washbasin, there were small puddles left after cleaning the floor in Indian style, such as pouring water on the sides in the expectation that when the sun rises it would get dry up naturally. Indians never overdo, as well as all Asian though. They are in the hands of never-ending “susigada” or siesta. There’re two fundamental rules they follow: 1) Never do today what you can do tomorrow or not to do at all; 2) Who knew life, that is no longer hurries.
But to any Russian woman of my age, those rules seemed absolutely absurd as we’ve been taught the opposite. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today” – they said attributing this expression to the uncle Lenin. And if they said so, then it’s not just a rule to follow, but you might be blamed in neglecting with all its consequences as soon as the Party only get a chance.
I washed my hands and was going back already but suddenly I’ve noticed a huge monkey sitting lazily on a tall tree with the crooked branches. Later turned out that it was langur monkey. A black shrivelled muzzle with attentive eyes, a very long black tail, black leather paws with long fingers color red like a Siamese cat. This Hanuman pensively was holding a nut near his teeth until he has suddenly swung his arm back and threw the nut exactly in my forehead. I didn’t have a chance to get out of the way and I slipped on the wet floor, in reaction. There came the sounds of something heavy hitting the floor, and from outside you could note only two legs sticking out from the restroom and raising up like above water in synchronized swimming.
Surely those who have seen that became laughing. I myself felt no pain but the attack of uncontrollable laughter. With whom else that could have happened? But in my head, I thought that it anyway was much better than that story happened to my theatre friend who was sailing on the tour in Kamchatka and the whole way she had spent in the stateroom having terrible attacks of the seasickness. And when she was invited to see the northern lights, she was simply blown away from the deck into the freezing waters of the sea. I was wet, but at least felt warm.
The guys who have come to help me lifted me up carefully and said that the langur had blessed me as a monkey was a holy animal for Indians. They also added that it was a very good sign and I’ve been a chosen one. To my surprise, even the grinning monkey was pointing at me with her long black finger and making some weird sounds either hiccup or laughter. Like in a movie. Well, I’ve been blessed, that’s nice. The clothes dried up as well as the floor, we had breakfast and moved further. And this cartoon episode has drawn Abu and public attention to me, though I felt more like a carnival joker.
All our group except me loved Abu. Because of him the only thing I used to do- was running from one to another with the requests to translate for me one thing after another. But the colleagues simply couldn’t keep up with Abu as an interpreter also needs time, and we didn’t have it enough. I realized that a lot of good and interesting information has been missed. By my colleagues’ reaction, I could understand that he was telling something very important and fascinating and in a very thrilling manner too. All I could do was to admire his artistry, the athletic body and professional skills inherent to a genius.
Sometimes our eyes met and I couldn’t help but have taken my eyes off him. But later I’ve again heard his voice and it has been absorbing all my attention and my thoughts. I looked at his eagle’s profile, the energetic chin, full lips, sparkling almond-shaped eyes full of expression. I couldn’t take my eyes off the grace and confidence he demonstrated every time appearing in public, his accurate gestures, the clear speech and obviously an exceptional sense of humour when even me was laughing together with all the group without understanding what it was about. His laughter was so contagious that it was almost impossible to resist. At some moment it seemed to me that he was the man of my dreams, whom I visualized so many times before but only fair-skinned. At the same time, I felt some pressure because of lacking a common language. I spoke Russian, but Abu didn’t know it. later revealed that he knew eight languages! I felt flawed and hated him with jealousy. Abu was giving a dizzying tour on the aboveground catacombs of the intricate Hampi routes, he spoke out loudly and clearly, looking directly
into the spectators’ eyes.
For a night the organizers got us rooms in a real fancy five-star hotel in a Hospet town from where we were to heading back to Hampi early morning. The organizers made a deal to not close a swimming-pool with fountains and a jacuzzi for us and even to switch on all the illumination as an exception. And we got a chance to swim in the pool, refreshing our tired, dusty sweaty bodies in cool waters under multi coloured rays of light. Here someone got an idea to celebrate this unforgettable day and to have some whiskey before going to sleep, just to chill out a bit at the back of the hotel with a pool view. We all quickly backed this idea up. And that was indeed such a loving evening! We felt so relaxed, had much fun and laughed all the time.
Finally, I’ve had an opportunity to have a good conversation in my mother tongue, to share my stories and to tell about my impressions. I really enjoyed my auditory, they were responsive and getting my sense of humour, we were on the same page. When I was going pretty big, Abu has joined us. And my evening has been finished on that. As soon as he has appeared all focus shifted at him in a flash. And again I was sitting like a doll blinking the eyelashes and couldn’t catch a word. I’ve poured some whiskey, it didn’t make me feel better. Has drunk some more, didn’t help.
Losing all the interest for the party I felt how some kind of self-pity has attacked me and I felt a lump in my throat. And the questions began to arise: “what am I doing here?”, “how will I work in the country without knowing its language?”, “maybe it’s a professional unsuitability?”, “why did I come here?”, “why nobody has listened to me?” I wasn’t used to be on the sidelines. A leader, an actress, an anchor was crying inside me. Wiping my tears with a sleeve, I’ve run away to my room and kept on crying alone. Abu has instantly stolen all attention, and I was just a puppet theatre actress from Russia, with no knowledge of the language, not capable even to get a small talk flowing or to argue.
My roommate Arina has come for me, she tried to pacify me and to bring back. But I really needed to stay alone.
Someone came in and went out. I didn’t care, I had a good cry and fell in asleep. We all have our own inner battles with the demons and we struggle them with courage. Daily and in our own way. All our efforts big and small deserve praise and applause.
Has it ever happened to you to wake up one morning with a thought that you’ve lost a control over your life and can’t even say what is right and what is wrong? Each one of us has got such days and, believe me, it’s absolutely normal. I’ve discovered, that if to make the decision to change the situation then it’s already a halfway to success. The only thing left is to understand how to do it.
The next morning my eyes have been slits, and I was terrified to meet this new creature in the mirror. It was like an ordinary morning of a Chinese beekeeper. Washing and eyes drops didn’t work out and I was to wear the sunglasses before daybreak. And here went out the ballerina. I’ve left my room like Maya Plisetskaya deceased in Germany in her ninety, and with her words on my lips which has become my morning credo: “All my life I love the new, all my life I look into the future, I always wonder!… Not resign ourselves to the edge is not tolerant. Even then – Fight, fire back in the tube pipes, drums beat… Up to the last moment… My fight win only on that andkeep it up. Character – this is destiny.”
I convinced myself not to give up and not to allow any difficulties to break me down. By that, I learned to accept with equanimity the things which I was not able to change for now. I did my best to put behind my yesterday weakness, my tears and self-sabotage, left the room and followed Arina to the lobby downstairs, where our group was supposed to meet. Sudden of all I noted Abu was coming to me! AAAA!
Where would I get away now? Where to hide? Maybe he was just passing by? But he was not. It was too late for me to back down and nowhere too. If only, to jump into the swimming pool which I tried to avoid. He approached me quickly, gave me his look, that lighted the space in the crack of dawn, and what was the most terrifying, he began to talk to me! Here I had a thought that he was doing that with the purpose to tease me. Yesterday he had already found out that I couldn’t understand him because I didn’t speak English. And now he attempted talking to me again the same language I didn’t know. But he was smiling so sincerely that I couldn’t help but stopped, and that scene crashed into my memory for the rest of my life! I missed the meaning of his words. Nevertheless, I could feel something very warm, kind and full of light in his voice and gestures. And he had been talking now to me personally!
“A heart beats, beats, beats and will find a way to beat everything!” Renata Litvinova. At that time I decided not to react to his words, although I really wanted it. With a silly smile, I didn’t say anything but began to walk faster. Filled with anticipation, I had blown right past him to catch Arina and to ask her about the meaning of Abu words.
“And what did he tell you?” Arina asked.
“Don’t cry, you try. If you want I will help you.” I repeated impatiently trying not to miss a word. Arina translated me his words with a smile.
“So what does that mean? He offers me help? Him?!” I exclaimed while blushing.
“Yes, he wants to help you.”
“And how does he know that I need help? How did he understand that?” I still couldn’t make out what kind of miracles took place now.
“When you left yesterday he asked right away what happened to you and why you ran away so unexpectedly. I came up for you, figured out, went back and told him everything.” Arina explained.
“Don’t cry…” I repeated pensively and… began crying. The salt of gratitude was rolling down from under my sunglasses. But this time that was the expression of my joy through the tears.
I pulled myself together and tried to concentrate; whatever happened, I had to walk with a smile on my face. Life is wonderful; this shouldn’t be forgotten. A beginning is always the hardest part.
The crying morning at the sunrise from the Hemakuta mountain in Hampi turned out into a sensual rise of my soul. My awaken heart was beating some rhythmical melodies echoing Krishnas’ tambourines under the hill. Abu could see me with my own eyes, his sensitivity to another’s pain made him helping me. Before, I used to seek the strength and confidence from outside; I forgot to check within me, while they always were there.
From that day on I noted that my life became exactly the kind that I have always imagined. The world around has become a fairytale, and I am its heroine. The mystical coincidences revealed too many miracles to not to believe in magic. I began to create my new reality. The life transformed. I stepped to the path that led to the return of my integrity, the authentic real me. I awakened after the centuries-long sleep.
At the Hemakuta hilltop at the sunrise in Hampi, I was beginning to meditate, that helped to look deeper within me.
Life was beautiful, and I was open to its novelty. I began to observe my mind and to keep the focus on each given thought, replacing negative thoughts with positive when it’s only possible. I felt much more love and compassion than before. Hampi was now my symbolic place of strength.
“Even a tiny seed of hope is sufficient to sow the field of happiness” Mark Levi. And one more time together with the first rays of the rising sun Osho phrases became dancing in front of me in Shiva Nataraj dance bringing with them the sacred destruction of the past.
Recently, while viewing our photos, one thought struck me: it was always like that with us, and probably our story still lasts somewhere. Someone was taking my picture. And Abu in the background had just walked into my frame accidentally. By accident?
It’s significant to learn not only to give but also to accept gifts, I mean not to refuse help. When we let accept help or some gifts, our heart opens and radiates the energy of gratitude. And the miracles will inevitably happen. And I became to attract new opportunities and a happy destiny like a magnet. All that matters to keep thank God for having this precious privilege to feel, to give and to accept.
And so I got accepted Abu’s offer as a gift. Your teacher is not that one who teaches you, but that one from whom you learn. I’ve found my teacher, my master- Abu. I took his gift so deeply, as deep as I myself was. This sacred miracle of each breath, each heartbeat. This every luminous, vibrant sensation and the tingles in the body. This joy, sadness, an explosion of creativity. This sudden merge and a chance to find yourself in another.
How to recognize your man? Oh, it’s very simple. You will go forward and bump into him in your halfway. He didn’t know. You didn’t call. You were found. And whatever direction you were taking before, now your diverse paths got converged, and you keep on going the one way. There’s nothing neither good nor bad in this world. There’s only our attitude towards things.
You can fall in love with beauty. But love is only the soul. William Shakespeare.
