Loe raamatut: «We will meet again»

Alex Brand

We will meet again

Where to begin? Perhaps, from the fact that today is especially beautiful sunset. The magnificent riot of heavenly colors, from pale blue to glowing pink-red. And all this is permeated with white fluffy strokes of clouds slowly floating in the inaccessible height of the clouds. We can see how after few movements of the invisible brush in the hands of celestial wind-artist these foggy white strokes assembling… Look! The face… The fathomless eyes slowly opened and looked down for a moment – a blue dip on a white, surrounded by the tongues of the sunset flame. Another moment – and they will disappear to be opened in another place, to look again and again.

Why not? We can begin with the cloudy eyes looked at – what? What did they manage to see in the short minutes of ephemeral existence? The vast city sprawling on the banks of the majesty-flowing river spread across the banks of the city. No, not that. The magnificent royal palace illuminated by multi-colored searchlights? No. The glance slides farther, to where it is quiet, where the sea of lights gradually dies away. There, where darkness is interspersed with islands of soft, homely light. Yellow, warm. The majestic walls of the palace dissolve into the twilight of the coming evening. One small town, another. But a gust of cool April wind comes and the little cloud disappears under its pressure. The wind flies, flies … Further, below … Here came the pointed roofs, narrow ancient streets, pavements and pavements of the old uneven stone. Windows, wooden shutters, massive carved doors with cast bronze handles, polished for hundreds of years and thousands of hands touching them. A small church at the intersection of two streets. Round square, the path to the closed high lancet entrance. In the rays of the setting sun, stained-glass windows, dark gray lead covers gleam. The faces of the saints majestically gazing at the worldly vanity, wide-open, stern eyes, prostrate, stretched out in blessing. So it was and so it will be. Stone lips whisper quietly – we remember. We remember how … Long, long ago … A modest wedding in the silence of an almost empty, booming room. The bride and groom, a few friends. The low voice of the priest, the eternal question. And the eternal answer. She pronounced it in French – '' oui ''. The groom's hand, no, already her husband, slightly squeezed her hot fingers, encouraging and confirming – “oui…”. From now and forever. Till death do them part.

She smiled with pale lips, ran her tongue over them. Dry. How thirsty she is … Last days thirst, constant thirst burns her from the inside. Son said that she cannot drink much. He is a doctor and his words should be listened to. She tried. But … Today she felt that it already possible. Possible to drink plenty. A hand reached for the button, stopped for a moment – and lay back on a light blanket. Not. She doesn't want to call anyone, doesn't want to see anyone. Not now. She herself. Herself. Son ordered the decanter with water to be removed from the bedside table and allowed to drink according to a personal schedule. Doctor. A bitter smile twisted her lips – it would be better if he was just a son now. He is shackled by the chains of his profession, of filial duty, not realizing that this simply suffocates her, does not allow her … Does not allow her to finally free herself. Today … Well, she was always diligent and punctual. Perhaps that's enough. She lifted herself with an effort in the dim light of the room, squinting at the closed door. She turned her eyes to the medical equipment console lonely standing in the corner – a device for drip infusion, a heart monitor with a telemetry attachment, an apparatus for measuring pressure, an oxymeter. Is that really important how much oxygen is in her blood now? Something else gleaming with metal, plastic, glass. Buttons, screens, tubes, wires. All this is dead, disabled. Three days ago she demanded it. Son refused at first. He argued, insisted, convinced. Chided. Not. Oh, how well he knows her ''no''… Everyone knows. For fifty years she learned to pronounce it well. And those to whom it addressed, even better remembers – it's useless to argue. It will be as she wants. And what she does not want – will not to be. So the multicolored rainbow of lights in the room went out, the hum of the oxygen apparatus fell silent. All this she no longer needs. And there was a silence in which she heard the world outside the window, which she ordered to open wide. The world came to her – a gust of wind, singing birds in dense crowns, the smell of lilac and jasmine. The world called her and she whispered – soon…

The bed is closed with a special rising wall after she tried to get up and could not hold onto her weak legs. The hip pierced pain when she sat down, leaning on the tubular barrier. How dizzy she is, her fingers tightened on the cold smooth metal with all their might. Hold on! A thought flashed for a moment – why? Why try to get up? What for? She can lie back on a soft pillow, press a button. A nurse will come and help. She will persuade her to bring water, a lot of cool water … And they will not say anything to her son, it will be their secret. In response, the fingers clenched even more. Not! Not today, not now. Just not now. She looked at the door again, didn’t it open … Everything is quiet. So, now she can gently press here, at the head. A small smooth ledge, she found it herself a few days ago. A small click – and the wall smoothly went down, gliding silently in the slots. Now, she must lower her legs, find the floor with them … How dizzy, the thin ringing growing in the ears, has darkened in her eyes. Or not… May be the evening shade just gathering in the corners of the room… A mattress slightly bent under her palms. She shuddered feeling the soft roundness of air chambers under a thin sheet. Her hands jerked away and got on the knees themselves. She gritted her teeth in an effort to keep straight, not to stagger, not to fall. She does not want to touch this. Air mattress against bedsores, another manifestation of filial care, the latest model. Against the bedsores … She must get up. A gust of cool wind from an open window touched her face, she inhaled it with a full chest, as was it once… Many, many years ago, when she first crossed the threshold of this ancient house. Dry, cracked lips smiled, she remembered her childhood delight on that first day. She like a girl ran around all the rooms, opening the doors one by one, filling everything with a cheerful laugh. The husband followed her without saying anything and there was happiness on his face.

In the silence of the room, in the silence of the hushed house a small greenish night light came on, illuminating her with a dim light, sitting on the edge of the bed. Having lit up the face still keeping traces of that beauty, which delighted everyone. Only traces … Thin parchment skin, red streaks on cheekbones and cheeks, lips lost their cheerful brightness and freshness … How they are dry, she ran her tongue again, gathered strength … For a moment her eyes covered behind pale wrinkly eyelids, she sighed softly. Eyelids rose and from under them flashed the blue flame. She will rise! She will do what she decided. Fingers clenched into fists.

When she straightened stepping bare feet on the cool parquet floor, she was pretty rocked. And she did not dare to bend down to look for slippers. Barefoot? Let be! How nice to feel the homey touch of an old polished wood … And so that no one is near. Neither the nanny, nor the nurse, nor … She shook her head, chasing away unsolicited thoughts. Let her finally be left alone, she does not want to call anyone, does not want to see anyone. The hand rested on the table, she made a first timid step. Just don't fall like that time. The thigh reminded of itself again, responding with a sharp pain in the bruised place. The son was afraid of a fracture, but she refused to go to the hospital for an x-ray – why? What then, even if a fracture? Nothing. So she said, looking him straight in the eyes – uttered by syllables, as in childhood, teaches him to speak. Teaches to understand what was said. He opened his mouth, intending to insist and … He said nothing, turning his eyes away. She felt remorse, because he wanted to do better … She softened her tone, put a narrow palm on his hand, stroked it. It's really not nesessary, sonny. This will not change anything and only the noise will rise, it will be unpleasant for me. And this is not a fracture, well, and it does not really hurt. As proof, she lifted her leg and bent her knee, trying with all her might to smile and not wrinkle. Only the corners of her lips were trembled … The son preferred not to notice.