Loe raamatut: «The Happy Glampers»

Table of Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Acknowledgements

Charlotte’s Lemon Drizzle Cake

Haven’t read how it all started? Find out in the other glamptabulous instalments available to buy now!

About the Author

About the Publisher

Chapter 1

CHARLOTTE MAYFIELD: Good luck Izzy! We know we promised not to text after you and Emms left this morning but Luna and I wanted you to know we think you’re amazing. Luna also wants to triple check that Emily has downloaded Moana and Point Break for you and to assure you she’s done the ‘Crazy for Swayze’ dance several times. Apparently it was a good luck thing back in Hawaii?

FREYA: Throwing my bushel of luck into the ring, such as it is. A bit of pre-Easter mania at the shop (thank god it’s come early this year). Regan has violin concert at school when you will be ‘going nuclear’. She wanted me to tell you she is dedicating her ‘Flight of the Bumblebee’ solo to you. Felix says Dumbledore is happy to hang out with Bonzer if you ever need a break from four-footed friends. Monty sends his love. Apparently the house they’re working on is coming along blue blazes so he might be coming home to see the kids this weekend. And me. Obvs. Big love Izz!

EMMS: Is Regan a violin prodigy? ‘Flight of the Bumblebee’ at thirteen!!!!! My parents should’ve given birth to her.

FREYA: My bad. It’s ‘Flight of the Valkyries’. Just as powerful, Izzy! I can perfectly picture you wearing a set of Viking horns in the Chemo Suite.

IZZY: Perfect Valentine’s Day gear. Maybe I’ll score!

CHARLOTTE: Hi Mummy!!!! It’s me. We’re making lemon drizzle! Done the dance seven times so far. Seven more to go! xoxoxo Booboo

CHARLOTTE: Apologies if she wasn’t meant to see that. Just nipped to the pantry to get some fondant. Will be more careful.

IZZY: Luna’s heard it all before. Not to worry.

EMILY: Izz just done blood tests etc., and is at gift shop stocking up on Heat and Grazia (exact same gossip as last month when she had scans, dunno why she bothers). Doctors didn’t like the sound of her never-ending cough/temp. If bloods are bad I’m betting it gets called off.

FREYA: Noooooo!!!!!!!! I thought she’d shaken that off. Hasn’t she bought herself a proper winter coat yet?

EMILY: She was being an idiot and kept going to work. And no to the coat because ‘in her head ‘almost March means spring’. Again. Total moron.

IZZY: Just because I’m in the gift shop doesn’t mean I can’t read this.

FREYA: Sorry, Izz. Hope all goes well. Sending lots of love.

CHARLOTTE: Shall I hold off on telling Luna if it’s cancelled?

EMILY: That child is hard as nails. She can take it. Izzy, however, may not.

IZZY: Ta very much, Emms. You’re a dumbass.

EMILY: No you are.

CHARLOTTE: You’re both wonderful. Either way, we’ll be here waiting for you with bells on unless it’s around 5 as have to nip out and pick up Pops from a friend’s. xx C

‘Your cough sounds revolting.’

‘Love you too, Emms.’

‘Ow! Don’t pull my hair.’

‘Don’t slap me!’

Cough. Cough.

‘They’re not going to be happy with your bloods today.’

Izzy flicked Emily’s arm. ‘Quit being so freaking negative. As the one with cancer I am familiar with how this works.’

Emily flicked her back. ‘It’s not the same this time. You’ve seen the scans. So don’t act stupid.’

‘You’re stupid.’

Flick.

‘No you are.’

Flick.

‘Ladies? Is everything all right here?’

Charlotte and Luna sat back and admired their handiwork. One extra-large, extra-squidgy lemon drizzle cake decorated with a blue wave (fondant), a surfer (Lego) and a pig (Moana Adventure Collection).

‘Do you think she’ll like it?’

Charlotte pulled Luna in for a one-armed squeeze. ‘I think she’ll love it.’

‘What if she can’t eat it?’

‘Oh, I’m sure she’ll give it a try. It’ll keep for a couple of days if she’s not up to it today. We’ll make her a fresh one if it takes longer than that.’

Charlotte had, of course, prepared for that option. Since the New Year’s revelation that Izzy suspected her breast cancer had returned, Charlotte’s bedside reading had shifted from book club to cancer survivor memoirs. She’d steered away from the books where the women died in the end as she wasn’t quite up to facing that option. She’d also become a bit of a voyeur on the breast cancer patients’ forums as Izzy point-blank refused to enter ‘that sort of community’. Between that, looking after Luna, Poppy, and doing the odd farm-shop consultancy, she’d barely had time to obsess over CheekyLawGirl’s Instagram updates on Baby Mayfield.

Sorry.

Olive.

She only wished the children would stop calling the infant ‘the pit of despair’. It was difficult to keep a straight face.

‘Charlotte?’ Luna moved the pig so that it, too, was riding on the surfboard.

‘Yes, love?’

‘Thanks for letting us move into the house.’

‘Of course, darling. We love having you here, Poppy and me. Jack, too, of course. When he’s home.’

Luna gently patted her on the arm as if the tables had suddenly switched and that the whole reason they’d moved in was for Charlotte’s benefit. She flashed Charlotte a bright smile. ‘I’m going to check Mummy’s vomit bins are ready.’

Charlotte tried and failed to swallow the lump in her throat as Luna and her billow of hair ‘Crazy for Swayze’ danced into Oli’s repurposed office. Jack had been furious when they’d cleared it out for Izzy (no stairs, en suite, very practical for a woman going through chemotherapy). She knew it was difficult but, quite frankly, cancer trumped philandering fathers who wanted their almost ex-wives to sell the family home.

As it was, Charlotte was still wrapping her head round the fact that Luna was the seasoned caretaker of the two of them. Luna had been eight when Izzy had gone through her first round. She would’ve been seven, but Izzy had delayed the treatment so that she could send Luna to a surf camp. Wouldn’t go in the end, Izzy told them with palpable pride. Luna had insisted on staying and helping the local hospice workers. Saw me through the worst of it. Helped remind me what I was doing it all for.

Charlotte thought of her own mother’s quick and fatal journey through lung cancer. Into hospital one day with what they thought was pneumonia, and, bar the cigarette breaks, out eight days later in a casket. Swift, brutal, and utterly of her own making. A line of thought that suggested Charlotte had yet to forgive her mother for looking after herself so poorly.

Anyway.

She briskly set about tidying up the kitchen for another round of cakes. She was experimenting with some gluten-free Italian-style Easter cakes to try out at Sittingstone. Lady V had begun loudly expressing her doubts as to whether or not ‘the girl’ would be returning from her maternity. Charlotte was confident she would, but the last person she’d leave in the lurch was Lady Venetia. Particularly with Oliver dropping increasingly persistent hints that his mate would buy the house any time. The new house he’d upgraded to must have cost much more than anticipated. Shame. It looked as if Oli would have to work that little bit harder for a bonus this year.

With things as they were – Izzy’s treatment finally under way, Poppy settling into the local grammar school and Jack back to his fractious why is this all happening to me self – she wasn’t going anywhere. She hadn’t been blind to the spike in film and game downloads on the family Apple account during his ‘Dad weekends’. Or the rather expensive noise-cancelling headsets. All of which, at Hazel the Lawyer’s recommendation, she documented in a little notebook. She was particularly proud of the graph she’d made to monitor Oli’s hint-dropping about the house. It seemed to spike with each of CheekyLawGirl’s mentions of #desperateforananny or #MaternityLeaveForever.

There was, it turned out, a pinch of time in every day for Instagram.

A picture of several women holding up infants and Buck’s Fizzes slid into view. #BabiesWhoBrunch.

As if on cue, a text from Oliver pinged in. Hello, love. Any chance you’d join me for lunch at The Four Feathers next week? Would love a bit of a catch-up. x Oli

The Four Feathers? Oliver only took her there when he’d well and truly stuffed something up. Goodness. He really must want to free up some cash. She was about to answer that she was very busy, but thank you for the kind offer, when the crunch of gravel on the drive drew her attention.

Izzy’s van with Emily at the wheel and a raging Izzy in the passenger seat pulled to a halt.

Oh, dear.

‘Darling! Your mother’s back a bit early. What do you say we put that posy of sweet peas in her room after all?’

Freya Burns-West

15 Canter Lane

Balham, London SWX 14XB

9 April

Dr William Clarke

Headmaster’s Office

Thamesbank Comprehensive School

11–27 Oakbank Road

Barnes

London SW13

Dear Dr Clarke,

Please accept this letter as confirmation that my son, Felix Burns-West, and daughter, Regan Burns-West will not be attending Thamesbank Comprehensive this coming autumn.

We would like to thank you for the excellent level of education they have received during their time with you. If it is possible to pick up their academic records on the last day of term rather than having them posted, I would be most grateful. Apologies for any confusion regarding addresses. Monty and I are still very much married. Business has kept him in the West Country for the past term.

If a set of records could also be forwarded on to Cottleston School (address below) so that Felix’s admission records will be complete when the new term begins, I would be grateful.

Thank you for putting the children at your school first. Felix and Regan have formed some incredible friendships and, of course, we are grateful for the academic foundation upon which the rest of their scholastic journey will depend.

Yours

Freya Burns-West

FELIX’S NEW SCHOOL:

Cottleston School

Cottleston Square

Bristol BS10

AVON

TO: NHS GREYSTONE HOSPITAL TRUST, HR

FROM: Dr Emily Cheung

RE: Osteopath Consultancy Snafu

To Whom It May Concern in this Vast NHS Beast of a Machine Because There Was No Human Name on the Job Offer

Yes please. I would like to accept the Surgical Osteopathy Consultancy with the title of Consultant Osteopath. (Can we blame typos or autocorrect for the position offered in your email: Sultan Osteopath?)

(Apologies for any misinterpretation of the term ‘suck it’ in previous communication. In certain Chinese cultures, it is a very good thing, particularly when in reference to fish heads.)

Special interests include hips, knees, feet, ankles and lumbar spine pain. I also am looking into sciatica but best not to make a thing out of it just yet. And yes. The hours of nine to five (Dolly Parton withstanding) sound most excellent.

Yours

Dr E Cheung

NB: My preference is to remain Dr Cheung on all relevant paperwork. My parents didn’t immigrate halfway round the world to write home about their daughter, Miss Cheung. I think you’ll agree it lacks gravitas.

TO: Devon Surf Co

FROM: Isabella Yeats

RE: Administrative Error

Dear Ashley (and Kai – Aloha Kai, if you’re reading this),

Thank you for the (second) letter and follow-up phone message confirming my appointment as Surf Instructor at your new venture within the National Trust. I know it sounds like a lie, but the dog did genuinely eat your first letter!

I’m afraid I’ve hit a little blip in the health department and am stuck here in Sussex for the next couple of months, so a recce isn’t possible over the bank holiday weekend as I’d thought.

As previously mentioned, my daughter is in school until 8 July. I’m not sure how much they actually learn in those last couple of weeks (LOL), but I do know she is looking forward to participating in her first-ever British school sports day (she is a gifted runner) which is on 7 July. Is there any chance the June start date could be a bit more … elastic?

Oh – and don’t worry about explaining British terminology like flat/apartment and holiday/vacation. I was raised here so am well versed in British colloquialisms as well as Hawaiian.

Yours sincerely,

Izzy Yeats

Surfer

Dear Headmaster Lindley,

Please accept my apologies for writing to you on informal notepaper. I’m afraid I am ‘between’ printers at present. I was terrifically embarrassed upon hearing about my son, Jack Mayfield’s, role in that dreadful prank. More than embarrassed, frankly. I am truly ashamed to have raised such an unkind young man.

Though you are generous in saying that boys will be boys, it is absolutely no excuse for tying another student to a lavatory in a disused outbuilding. It was a cruel, cruel thing to do.

Obviously, we are well beyond the days of corporal punishment, but I agree that working in the dining room throughout half-term for the overseas boarders would be a better option than mucking out the horses in the stables. As you noted, he’s a bit obsessed with horses right now and would more than likely see it as a reward rather than a punishment. If his riding privileges could also be revoked I would be most grateful.

Jack’s father is tricky to reach at this time as he is balancing work with the arrival of his new daughter. I can be reached at all times on my mobile.

Please note, for future communications I will be using my maiden name, Bunce.

Yours sincerely,

Charlotte Mayfield née Bunce

Freya Burns-West

15 Canter Lane

Balham,

London SW12

2 May

Camden Market

Shop Letting Unit

Camden

London NW1

Dear Barry

I never thought this day would come! As per your instruction, please accept this letter as three months’ notice on my shop, Tee-Boned (why did I ever think that was a good idea?).

If there is any way the committee could allow me a bit of leeway and ‘forgive’ the balance on the final month’s rent (July), I’d be eternally grateful. (Still waiting to make my millions! Ha ha.)

As it is prime market space, perhaps some pop-ups could fill the void if you don’t find a permanent vendor? I hear the hubcap chap is branching out into lightbulb art?!?!

As you know, Monty has taken up his brother’s offer to work full time. As such, the children and I will be moving to Bristol when this school term finishes (end of June, the cheeky blighters!), so if any post could please be forwarded to the address below, I would be grateful.

Thank you for many years of happiness at Camden Markets. It is an extraordinary venue. Perhaps I’ll be applying for a pop-up over the Christmas hols with my new venture: Animal Accents (name still a work in progress! LOL).

Oh! And many thanks for the pistachio/jagger/ayurvedic fudge. Who knew I could feel so Zen after a palm sugar rush?

All the best, yours sincerely, big hugs etc., etc.,

Freya

EMILY: Thanks for coming up to the Dragon Boat thing with me and my parents, Izz. You showed real chutzpah as the Senior Sultan Osteopath would say. My parents were impressed with how well Luna uses chopsticks. GO TO THE EFFING DOCTOR IF YOUR RASH PERSISTS. NOT NORMAL.

IZZY: Have lotion. Will apply.

EMILY: Hey ladies – any chance you could nag Izzy about going to the doctor? Maybe Lady V could bully her into it next time Luna and Bonzer go for Sittingstone playdate? Charlotte: How did interview go? Everyone: LMIRL before Freya heads to Bristol.

IZZY: Why are you convinced I can’t see the messages you send about me? You’re not typing them in invisible ink, doofus.

EMILY: You’re a doofus.

FREYA: You both are. Izzy – go to the doctor. Charlotte, the Surrey farm-shop launch you oversaw sounded epic. Soz couldn’t make it. Packing up fifteen years’ worth of things that spark joy is a bitch!

TO: Oliver Mayfield

FROM: Charlotte Bunce

CC: Hazel Pryce

RE: Lunch at Four Feathers

Dear Oliver,

After discussion with my lawyer, Hazel Pryce, I will meet for lunch on one condition: No talk of the house.

Sincerely,

Charlotte Bunce

17 June

TO: Devon Surf Co

FROM: Isabella Yeats

Aloha Kai!

Thanks so much for talking admin into delaying my start date. I appreciate you can’t offer the same instructor’s fee as before seeing as I’ll be on shore duty, but staying in the geodome will more than make up for it. Result, my friend. MAHOLO TO THE HIGHEST!!! Thanks for pulling strings. I promise to give your clients their money’s worth. Can’t believe I haven’t seen you since that last blow-out on Maui. What was it … seven years ago? Eight? Sounds as though returning to the UK with your woman was a good call. Your set-up looks pukka.

Right. Gotta go see Looney in a school play. They’re doing Fiddler on the Roof and Looney’s playing Tevye!!!

Might need to beg for some work in the autumn as things gone a bit woo-woo at this end.

Aloha, my friend x (you remember it means hello and goodbye, right? Or is that wo-mansplaining?) ;-)

PS – You wouldn’t happen to know if there’s a medical clinic or anything nearby. A hospital? Asking for a friend. LOL

TO: Monty

FROM: Wifey

MONTS! WE DID IT!! WE HAVE A BUYER FOR THE HOUSE!!!! BRING ON BRISTOL LIFE!!! Xoxoxooxxooxoxox

Dear Headmaster Lindley,

Please accept my heartfelt apologies for my son’s behaviour.

However painful it is to admit, I agree that expelling Jack is the only course of action.

His father, Oliver Mayfield, will be collecting him at the end of the week, as discussed. Using drugs, even soft ones like marijuana, is entirely unacceptable. I suspect disruption to Jack’s home life hasn’t been helpful in offering him the sense of security any child (teenager) requires. He may have mentioned the sale of the family home, which, of course, I am not offering as an excuse, merely an explanation as to why he may be acting up.

I shall be writing to the other parents as well and accepting full responsibility for my son’s actions. They would very likely not have taken the drugs if he had not supplied them.

Please note, for future communications I will be available on my mobile telephone. I’d appreciate any written communication to be held until I am able to provide you with a new forwarding address. As mentioned, we are in the process of selling the house and have not yet bought a new property.

Yours sincerely,

Charlotte Bunce

27 June

TO: Devon Surf Co

FROM: Isabella Yeats

Aloha Kai!

Really really sorry, buddy. Things are ()@£%&£)( complicated. ’Fraid I’m going to have to leave you in the lurch. I can send word out on the surf web that there’s a kick-ass job going. Would still like to help out at some juncture. Good news is, I’m moving closer. Bristol! Any possibility of keeping me in mind for the autumn?

Aloha on the other end. x Izz