The Keysha Diaries, Volume One

two

The apartment my mom and I lived in felt more like a big square box than a studio apartment. Once inside there really wasn’t much to see. On the right wall was an old white stove that looked as if it’d come from the Stone Age. I was continually amazed that it actually worked. The refrigerator, which was next to the stove, was just as ancient. It was white with a chrome handle that had to be pulled toward your body before the door would open. There was one window at the back of the room. It looked out over the abandoned lot where the alley mechanics work and loiter. The window didn’t have a curtain, just a dingy white shade. On the left side was the bathroom, which was long overdue for a makeover. Sometimes I was completely grossed out by the murky brown water that came out of the faucet. You had to let it run for a while before it changed color. Next to the bathroom was an oversize door, which was where the Murphy bed was located. That was about the only cool thing about the place. A bed that actually folded up into the wall was kind of neat. My mom slept on the Murphy bed and I slept on the sofa-sleeper, which was near the window. We didn’t have any closets, only two large dressers that were positioned outside of the bathroom. We had one small television that sat atop one of the dressers, but it didn’t have cable, so as far as I was concerned, it had limited value.

I went over and laid down on the sofa. I threaded my fingers behind my head and closed my eyes. I blocked out all of the sounds of the city—the wailing fire engine, the loud trunk amps and the sound of multiple conversations. My mind was flashing images of the events that had occurred over the past few months. Directly after the death of my Aunt Estelle and the conviction of my Grandmother Rubylee, my mother was arrested for driving around as a passenger with a friend of hers in a stolen car. While her case was being ironed out, Grandmother Rubylee got in touch with her father’s relatives and convinced them to take me in for a little while. I hated living with them because they were mean-spirited people. They treated me like their maid, and if something malfunctioned or got damaged, it was my fault. Even if the utility bill went up, it was my fault. When the charges against my mother were dropped, I was relieved and excited to be back with her. It was clear that things were going to be hard for us, but I figured my mom would step up and make sure we were safe. At least, that was what I was hoping for.

Sometimes I fantasized about who my father was and what it would have been like living with him. I’d never met my father, but in a way, I’d always hoped that he’d magically appear and come and rescue me from my situation. But that was just a dream from the fairy tales of my imagination. I knew someone out in the world was my father, but I didn’t know who, and Mother wasn’t actually sure, either, or that was what she’d told me over the years. A loud knock at the door startled me back into reality.

“Who is it?” I asked aloud.

“It’s me, Toya.” Dang, why doesn’t she take a hint? I thought to myself. I just want to be alone right now. I opened the door and she was standing there with her son perched on her hip.

“Girl, I need a real big favor from you,” she said. I wasn’t in the mood to give out any favors, but before I could tell her that, she unlatched her son, Junior, from her hip and handed him to me.

“I need you to watch him for about an hour,” she said. I prepared to hand him back to her.

“Have your grandmother watch him,” I said.

“Come on, Keysha, you know that she’s going blind and can’t see too good. I only left him in the house because he was asleep. I mean, she can watch him but it’s not like she’s really keeping an eye on him.”

“Then why don’t you take him with you? He’s your son,” I said.

“Girl, because I just got a phone call from my cousin telling me that my man is on her block all hugged up with some girl, and I need to go see what’s going on with that.” There was a long moment of silence between us. I wanted to tell her that she should take her baby with her because I just wasn’t in the mood to deal with him right now.

“Come on, girl. I promise I’ll only be about an hour.” I sighed, and she took my grumbling sound as confirmation that I’d watch him.

“Thank you so much,” she said, then left abruptly.

“Don’t leave him here all night, Toya. I have to register for school in the morning,” I yelled out behind her as she rushed down the corridor and out of the building.

Junior was quiet and didn’t say much at all. I could tell that he was in some sort of deep thought. He was about fourteen months old and had beautiful eyes. I sat him down on the sofa and asked if he wanted something to eat.

“I don’t have much, but I think I can whip up something that will hold you over for an hour,” I said to him. Junior didn’t respond. He only stared at me with sad eyes. I knew the sadness in his eyes all too well. I suppose in many ways he and I had something in common—a mother who wasn’t ready, or equipped, to be one. I opened up the refrigerator and removed a package of bologna to make a sandwich. I suppose he can eat this, I thought to myself, uncertain of what he could and couldn’t eat. I fixed him up the perfect sandwich and just as I was about to cut it into smaller portions, I noticed that he’d drifted off to sleep again. This baby was still asleep when Toya woke him up to bring him over to me, I thought. I placed the sandwich back in the refrigerator in case he wanted it later on. I went and sat down next to him and situated him so that his head was resting on my lap. I began to stroke his hair and think about what it would have been like if Ronnie and I would’ve had a baby. I wondered what his or her skin complexion would have been like. I wondered if the baby would’ve looked like me or him and if we would’ve made it in spite of all the obstacles that would have been in our way. Ronnie was my first, and I suppose in some ways I’d never forget him. I thought he loved me just as much as I loved him, but I was wrong. Ronnie was only interested in getting down with me and nothing more. It’s hard when you don’t feel loved. Now that I think about it, that was the reason behind sleeping with Ronnie in the first place. He kept telling me how much he loved me and I believed him. I mean, when a guy tells you that he loves you, he has to be serious about you, right? I mean, I can honestly say I’d never heard my mother tell me she loved me. Sometimes, I just wanted to be hugged. Even though I was a teenager, I still liked to be hugged, but my mother wasn’t the hugging type. I felt like I was going to cry when I thought about how empty that part of my heart was. I stood back up and went over to the countertop, which was next to the stove, and retrieved some mail that I’d placed there. I gathered all of my school registration forms, found an ink pen, then sat back down on the sofa and filled out the forms. In many ways, going to school was the only thing that kept me sane. Now how sad is that for a teenage girl? I mean honestly, I didn’t know of any girl my age who actually liked going to school.

* * *

About two hours later, Toya returned. When she knocked on the door, I was all set to snap out on her for taking so long. I’d gotten irritated trying to keep Junior entertained because he only slept for about forty-five minutes. Keeping his little bad butt entertained was no picnic. When I opened the door, I held my words because patches of her pretty long hair had been ripped out. The T-shirt she was wearing had been ripped and the side of her face and neck had clearly been scratched up.

“What happened to you?” I asked.

“It’s a long story. Where is Junior at?” I turned around to call her son to the door but he was already making his way to her side. He gave her leg a bear hug.

“You got into a fight, didn’t you?”

“I had to let her know not to sneak around with my guy,” Toya said. As I scrutinized her more closely, it appeared that the other girl had got the best of Toya, but I didn’t say anything.

“Well, tell me how it went down,” I said, wanting to know every detail. I was about to step aside so that she could come in but she wouldn’t.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now, but I will tell you this. I found out that he has a baby with her, as well.”

“Girl, stop lying.” I didn’t want to believe what I was hearing.

“I’m not—” Toya’s voice cracked from all of the emotional energy she was trying to contain.

“I’ll talk to you later,” she said as she picked up Junior and walked across the hall to her apartment.

* * *

It was getting late, and my mother hadn’t arrived home yet. When she left earlier that day, she only told me that she was going to take care of some business and would be back. I was hungry, so I pulled out the black skillet from the cupboard along with the rest of the bologna and cheese and fried myself up a sandwich. I loved fried bologna and cheese. I pulled down my mother’s Murphy bed and turned on the television before I sat down. I flipped through the channels and finally stopped to watch a rerun of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

“Why can’t I live like Hillary Banks?” I said aloud. “Have a rich daddy, a goody-two-shoes brother and a crazy cousin who’s always doing something that he doesn’t have any business doing.” The lifestyle that the characters were living seemed so phony and unrealistic to me, but I still enjoyed watching it. During a commercial break, I heard the key enter the lock in the door. A moment later my mom walked into the room. She opened the refrigerator and noticed that the bologna was gone.

“I know you didn’t eat all of the damn bologna,” she started snapping out on me. Her voice was loud and confrontational, which made me edgy and confrontational, as well.

“I was hungry. What was I supposed to do? Slit my wrists and suck my own blood for food?”

“If it fills you up, that’s what you need to do,” she shot back sneeringly.

“Whatever,” I said, sucking air through my teeth and rolling my eyes at her.

“You better stop rolling your eyes at me before I knock them out of your head.” I ignored her violent comment for the moment. She then moved in front of the dresser where the television was and began removing some of her clothes from the top drawer.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“Out to a club,” she answered.

“You know I register for school tomorrow and I still need supplies,” I reminded her.

“And?” she replied as if my needs were not her priority.

“I need those school supplies,” I answered her back loudly. I hated it when she acted as if I was unimportant.

“Borrow some supplies from a classmate. I don’t have any extra money.” She slammed the top dresser drawer closed and then opened up another one.

“But you have money to go to a club,” I said, hoping to make her feel guilty about her judgment. She turned and pointed her finger at me.

“Hey, what I do with the money I bring up in this house is my business. I don’t have to answer to you for anything! If you want school supplies go get them yourself. I don’t have time to deal with you. You’re just dead weight on my shoulders, and you’re slowing me down. As grown as you are you should be out on your own.” Her attitude toward me really hurt, but I wasn’t going to let her know. I wasn’t about to allow her to get under my skin.

“So you don’t care whether I drop out of school or stay in?” I barked at her. I really hated her as a person. At times Justine could be cold, like a pail of ice, and other times she acted as if we were the best of friends. That day, her mood was icy.

“You’re only going to drop out and get on public assistance anyway. You didn’t get pregnant this time but the next time you will,” she said, referring to the time I thought I was pregnant by Ronnie. Thankfully it was a false alarm. “Pregnancy may not be the worst thing for you. At least you’ll be able to bring a government check home.” Deep inside I was yelling at her and wishing that horrible things would happen to her. Deep inside I wanted the power to strike her down with a bolt of lightning so her feelings would hurt as much as mine. The fact that I didn’t have that type of power bothered me. Someday, I’d make her regret the way she treated me. My only wish was for that day to be today.

three

When I woke up the next morning, my mother hadn’t come home from her night at the club. I swear, sometimes I fear that the police are going to knock on the door and tell me she has been killed or something, I thought to myself. I knew a long time ago that to a certain degree I’d have to take care of myself early on in life, but at times I really just wanted to be a kid with a normal life. I tossed aside my blanket, placed my feet on the cold floor and then stood up and took a long stretch to begin my day. I went inside the bathroom, took a shower, got dressed and gathered up my school paperwork before heading out the door. When I exited the building, I ran into Toya, who was sitting on the stoop shuffling a deck of cards.

“Where are you headed to?” she asked, glancing at me. Her face still looked pretty bad. Overnight a bruise had formed on her cheek.

“I’m going to register for school. Aren’t you coming?” I knew that she wasn’t but I thought I’d ask anyway.

“No, I don’t have anyone to watch Junior. My grandmother is tripping. She told me to take him with me to registration.”

“Why not? I mean, today is only the first day of registration,” I reminded her.

“Girl, I have bigger things to deal with than registration and school. I’m trying to figure out when my man had time to have a baby with another girl. Plus my face and hair are jacked-up right now.” Toya was quiet for a moment and I didn’t say anything. “I mean, she’s not even good-looking, Keysha. Her hair isn’t as long as mine, her skin looks bad and she has a big gap between her upper front teeth. She pulled out my hair, Keysha. I swear, when I see that girl again, I’m going to cut her with this.” Toya reached into her front pants pocket and pulled out a barber’s straight razor. “Once I cut her in the face, I’ll bet she’ll think twice before messing with me.”

I wanted to ask the obvious question, which was, “Why isn’t she mad with her man for cheating on her?”, but Toya didn’t think like that. It was never her man’s fault. It was always the other woman’s fault.

“You’ll have to tell me all of the details when I come back,” I said, not wanting to listen to her issue at that moment.

“Why are you rushing off? You don’t have time for me now? I listened to you yesterday when you talked about breaking up with Ronnie,” Toya said, raising her voice at me. I felt guilty for a brief moment and was about to give her a little of my time, but then I glanced up the street and noticed my mother approaching with some guy. He appeared to be some stray man she’d picked up at the club to keep her company.

“Toya, I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you about this later.” I wanted to leave before my mother made me greet her new friend.

“What the hell, Keysha? I thought you were my girl. I thought you cared about what I’m going through.”

“I do, Toya, but I’ve got to get to school. Do you have your enrollment forms? If not I could pick them up for you.”

“I told you, I’ve got better things to do. Why do you care about school, anyway? You’re not an A student. You know that you don’t want to be there listening to some boring-ass teacher. You’ll have more fun sitting here with me all day playing cards. After that we could watch that television program where people get on it and start fighting. I love that show.”

“I’m going to have to pass on that today. I don’t want to go to late registration. Besides, this is a chance for me to get out of the house. My mother is coming with some weird-looking man.” I nodded my head in the direction of my mother. “I’ll catch you later,” I said and moved past her. I crossed the street to walk down the other side so that I could just wave to my mother and keep on going, but she made me stop and cross back over to where she was. I took in a deep breath and prepared to deal with the nonsense that would fly out of her mouth.

“What’s up, girl?” She greeted me as if she were my best friend instead of my mother. I didn’t respond right away because I was scrutinizing her outfit. To put it mildly, my mother’s outfit was a hot mess. She was too old for the style of clothes she was fond of wearing. She had her oversize behind stuffed into a pair of low hip-riding Phat Farm jeans, which were in desperate need of a belt. She had on a white belly top that exposed her pregnant chocolate tummy, her stretch marks and an old tattoo of a red rose. I’d tried on occasion to help her find clothes that were more appropriate, but she didn’t like the fashions I’d picked out.

“I know, girl, I’m fine as wine,” she said, mistaking my horrified expression for approval of the way she looked. “I couldn’t take two steps without a car honking a horn at me. Isn’t that right, Simon?” She looked to her friend to confirm the truthfulness of her statement.

“You know all the men want you, baby,” said Simon. The way he was looking at me made me feel as if a thousand bugs were crawling on my skin—honestly, dude made my skin crawl as if I were watching an episode of Fear Factor.

“What’s your daughter’s name again?” asked Simon as he continued to rape me with his eyes.

“Keysha, fool. You know that,” my mother answered him.

“Give me a break. I haven’t seen this girl since she was a baby,” said Simon. He looked over at my mother, and that’s when I noticed a hideous scar that ran from his right earlobe, across his cheek and down to the corner of his lip. The site of the scar caught me off guard, and now I was the one doing all the eye raping.

“You don’t remember Simon, do you, Keysha?” asked my mom.

“With a face like that how could I ever forget him,” I said.

“I got this scar at one of the parties your Grandmother Rubylee used to host years ago. I was helping her collect a debt,” Simon said as he continued to stare at me as if he were studying for an exam.

“Simon is an old friend of the family from around the old neighborhood,” said my mother. “We used to hang out and party together all the time. We had some good times together, didn’t we, Simon?”

“Yeah, we did,” he said, smiling at the memory.

“So you two used to date or something?” I asked.

“Something like that.” Simon’s answer was very vague.

“We ran into each other at the club last night. We got to talking about the old days and the good times. Simon is starting up a business,” said my mother. “We’re going to go in the house and talk about it.”

“Whatever.” I rolled my eyes because I didn’t care about what her and Simon were really up to. One thing was for sure, it wasn’t about starting a legitimate business.

“Justine, she looks too damn familiar. Who’s her father?” Simon smiled at me and his teeth were as yellow as a lemon. I cringed at the sight of them.

“Why do you want to go and ask me a question like that in front of her?” Justine got irritated with Simon.

“You know why I’m asking,” said Simon. “She looks just like my cousin—”

“Look—” I cut him off because there was no way I was related to anyone who looked like him.

“Wait a minute, Keysha, let me look at you one more time,” Simon said, studying the details of my every feature.

“Take a picture, it lasts longer,” I said and rushed away from them.

“Keysha, wait a minute.” My mother chased after me.

“What? I’m heading off to register for school,” I said.

“Hold on a minute.” She grabbed my arm and forced me to stop.

“Why are you just now getting home?” I asked with an authoritative tone. “And why did you bring him with you, and why is he acting like he knows something about me?”

“Who the hell are you snapping at? I don’t have to answer to you,” she quickly reminded me. At that moment I noticed the unpleasant smell of alcohol and cigarette smoke that was pasted to her skin and clothing. The odor was choking the air between us.

“You need to start acting your own age and not like some teenager who can’t control their hormones.” I don’t know why I said that; it just flew out of my mouth.

“Excuse you!” she barked at me. “Don’t mess around and get a beat down in the middle of the street,” she threatened me. I didn’t say any more because my mother was crazy enough to knuckle-up her fists and fight me right where I stood.

“Why does he think I look like someone he knows? Why does he even think he knows who my father is?”

“Simon doesn’t know what he’s talking about, baby. He’s just talking out of the side of his head. Don’t pay him any attention.”

“I’ll be back later,” I said, not wanting to speak with her anymore.

“Hold on a minute.” She wiggled her fingers into her front pocket and pulled out a crumpled-up five-dollar bill. “Get yourself something to eat while you’re out. I probably won’t be home when you get back.”

“Why?” I questioned her again. I’d gotten so tired of her being gone all of the time.

“Because I’ve got things to do. If things work out, I may be able to make a little money today.”

“Doing what?” I asked suspiciously.

“I don’t know. That’s why Simon has come over. He’s going to tell me about his business.”

I didn’t like her answer, and before I could stop my words I found myself interrogating her once again.

“Is it a legitimate job?” She didn’t answer me. “Why don’t you look for a real job, Mom?” I asked in a softer tone of voice.

“Because I don’t have to. That’s why I have you, so I can collect a check.” She quickly turned icy on me. Her comment made me feel as if I had no emotional value to her. I was just a person she could get a welfare check for.

“You know that the back rent is due, and if you don’t pay we could be put out again. I don’t think the landlord is playing around.”

“I’m not worried about it,” she said and didn’t offer up any type of comfort to assure me that everything would be okay. I wanted to scream and yell at her. I wanted to explode, but instead I just built a wall around my emotions for her. At the moment I refused to allow her to cripple me emotionally. If she didn’t care, then I didn’t, either.

“Have fun with your friend Simon,” I said as I walked off.

“I will!” she yelled back at me as I rushed off down the street.

* * *

I thought for sure the lines for registration would be long, but they weren’t. I was able to go through the process fairly quickly. One of the school administrative staff printed out my class schedule and handed it to me. I glanced down at it and noticed that I had math first thing in the morning.

“Nine o’clock in the morning is too early to have a math class. Can you switch it for me?” I asked the lady who’d printed out my schedule. She looked at me for a long moment, as if I’d lost my mind.

“I guess that means no,” I said sarcastically.

She frowned and yelled out, “Next.”

My biggest concern now was school supplies or my lack of them. I hated being unprepared but I really didn’t have a choice in the matter. I’d have to recycle the folders that I had from last year and latch on to someone when I needed additional supplies. It was an embarrassment I’d have to contend with.

By twelve-thirty that afternoon I’d arrived back home. As I came up the block I saw Toya still hanging around the front of the building toying around with her deck of cards.

“What’s up, girl?” I asked as I took a seat on a kitchen chair that Toya had placed on the stoop.

“How are you just going to walk up and take my seat?” Toya tried to sound angry, but I didn’t take her seriously.

“My feet hurt from walking in these cheap shoes,” I explained as I allowed my fingertips to massage my scalp, which had suddenly started itching. It was a telltale sign that I needed to wash my hair and oil my scalp.

“Do you want me to braid your hair for you?” Toya asked.

“No, I need to wash it before I do anything with it.”

“So, how did registration go?” Toya asked.

“It went okay. It went quickly. I have to figure out how I’m going to get my school supplies because my mother—well, you know that I can’t depend on her.” A mischievous expression formed on Toya’s face at that moment.

“You’re right, Keysha. We can’t depend on our parents because they aren’t cut out for the job. What we need to do is look out for each other. Don’t you agree?”

“Yeah, I can agree with that,” I said as I scratched the dry skin on my left leg.

“Listen, I’ve been thinking of a way that we can help each other.” Toya stopped shuffling her cards and focused all of her attention on me.

“Why are you looking at me like that, Toya?” I asked, sensing she was calculating something in her mind.

“I’ve got a plan. Junior needs some new clothes and so do you and I. My baby would look so cute in some baby Nikes and some new gear from Sean John. I want some stuff from Phat Farm, and I know that you do, as well. So here is what I say we should do. Let’s go down to the mall and get what we need.”

“You must have come into some money,” I said, joking. She didn’t say a word; she just looked at me and forced me to read her thoughts. Toya had a very serious expression on her face.

“You want to go out boosting again, don’t you?” I knew that’s what she wanted to do, but I wanted to confirm it.

“Yeah I do.” She paused in thought for a moment. “I have got the perfect plan that includes you, me and Junior.”

“Toya, you know you’re my girl, and I’m all for heading out to the mall for a five-finger discount deal, but why do we have to drag Junior into this? Last time we went out you and I both almost got busted.”

“That’s exactly why we’re bringing Junior with us. He’ll act as our decoy,” Toya explained, completely convinced that bringing Junior along would work.

“I don’t know, Toya.” I had a very uneasy feeling about dragging her son along with us. Boosting is not as easy as it sounds. Whenever I go, I’m always on edge because I don’t want to get caught.

“Keysha, you know we both need stuff. You need clothes just like I do, and you know that we can make money selling the stuff that we can’t fit to the kids at school. You’ve done this before. Why are you acting as if it’s a problem now?”

“I don’t know,” I answered her as I searched my mind for a reason as to why I was feeling the way I was.

“Listen, we’ll put all of the stuff that we get in the bottom of Junior’s stroller. If someone tries to stop us, I have a purse full of old receipts that we can use, okay? Trust me, it’s going to work. This plan is foolproof.”

“How in the world did you come up with that one?” I asked because Toya’s mind was always working a mile a minute.

“I saw someone else do it like that,” Toya said, going into more detail. “I went to the grocery store over the weekend for my grandmother. As I was walking past one of the aisles, I saw this woman tearing open a package and stuffing its contents into her baby’s diaper bag. Once she was done, I watched her stroll right on out of the store without paying a damn dime. So I thought, Damn, that’s slick, because no one would ever suspect a woman with a baby in a stroller to be out shoplifting. The security people aren’t paying attention to people like her. She was dressed like someone’s mother who was just out shopping. The security people are harassing the person who walks in the door looking like a thug. Do you see where I’m going?”

“Yeah,” I answered as I began to understand her thinking a little better.

“So all I’m doing is improving on what I’ve seen. I’ll take Junior with me and stuff merchandise into several diaper bags and the compartment at the bottom of the stroller. While I’m doing that, your job will be to distract the sales clerk. Of course, we’re going to have to make a few trips to get everything we need, but hey, I think it’s worth the effort. Don’t you?”

“Yeah, it’s worth it,” I said even though I still wasn’t comfortable with Toya involving Junior in all of this.