The Rules 2: More Rules to Live and Love By

The Rules 2

MORE RULES TO LIVE AND LOVE BY

Ellen Fein & Sherrie Schneider

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Foreword:

The Rules

 Phenomenon

Chapter

 1: Why

The Rules

 Work

Chapter

 2:

Rules

 for Turning a Friend Into a Boyfriend

Chapter

 3: Second Chances—

Rules

 for Getting Back an Ex

Chapter

 4: Don’t Waste Time on Fantasy Relationships

Chapter

 5: Don’t Stand by His Desk and Other

Rules

 for the Office Romance

Chapter

 6: Long-Distance Relationships. Part I: How They Should Start

Chapter

 7: Long-Distance Relationships. Part II: Making It Work

Chapter

 8: You

Can

 Ask Your Therapist to Help You Do

The Rules

Chapter

 9: If He Doesn’t Call, He’s Not That Interested. Period!

Chapter

 10: 25 Reasons Why Women Want to Call Men But Shouldn’t!

Chapter

 11: Show Up Even If You Don’t Feel Like It

Chapter

 12: Keep Doing

The Rules

 Even When Things Are Slow

Chapter

 13: Don’t Tell the Media About Your Love Life and Other

Rules

 for Celebrities

Chapter

 14: Don’t Be a Groupie and Other

Rules

 for Dating Celebrities or High-Profile Men

Chapter

 15: Observe His Behavior on the Holidays

Chapter

 16: Don’t Go Overboard and Other

Rules

 for Giving to Men

Chapter

 17: Buyer Beware (Weeding out Mr. Wrong)!

Chapter

 18: Closing the Deal (Getting Him to the Altar)

Chapter

 19: Don’t Be the Rebound Girl and Other

Rules

 for Dating a Man Who Is Separated

Chapter

 20: A

Rules

 Refresher for Married Women

Chapter

 21:

Rules

 for the Bedroom (When You’re Married)

Chapter

 22: Starting Over—

Rules

 for the Mature Woman

Chapter

 23:

Rules

 for Same-Sex Relationships

Chapter

 24:

Rules

 for Personal Ads and Dating Services

Chapter

 25:

Rules

 for On-line Dating

Chapter

 26: Use a

Rules

 Support Group

Chapter

 27:

Rules

 for Girlfriends, Bosses/Coworkers, and Children

Chapter

 28: Don’t Worry, Even Men Like

The Rules

Chapter

 29:

Rules

 Tips for Men

Chapter

 30:

The Rules

 Are a Healthy Way of Life

Chapter

 31: Success Stories: Women Who Followed

The Rules

 and Changed Their Lives!

Chapter

 32: Last But Not Least—20 Extra Hints

Chapter

 33: Answers to Frequently Asked Questions About

The Rules

Acknowledgements

Keep Reading

Also by the Authors

Copyright

About the Publisher

Foreword: The Rules Phenomenon

Four years ago, when we set out to write

The Rules,

 we knew that we had an important message to share. We believed in

The Rules.

 We had seen them work time and time again in our own lives, in our close circle of girlfriends and an ever-widening circle of friends and acquaintances, as well as coworkers and relatives.

When our phones began ringing off the hook with dating questions and (eventually) success stories, we knew we had to write

The Rules

 in book form to make it available to

all

 women.

Lo and behold,

The Rules

 became not just a best-selling book, but a phenomenon, revolutionizing dating practices both here in America and abroad.

In fact,

The Rules

 became so popular that it achieved a kind of pop culture status. It was spoofed on

Saturday Night Live

 (“Get the ring!”), used as the plot for several TV sitcoms, and also inspired a number of parody books including

Breaking the Rules

 (“Stare straight at men and talk incessantly”) and

Rules for Cats

 (“Don’t accept a trip to the vet after Wednesday”).

Suddenly,

The Rules

 was everywhere! A financial publication ran an article on the rules for investing (“Don’t buy on Friday if your broker calls after Wednesday”) and a political columnist wrote that one presidential candidate might have won the election if he had just tried to be a “creature unlike any other.”

Why all the fuss? Why all the interest in

The Rules

 when there are dozens of other dating books on the market? Why has

The Rules

 become such a phenomenon?

The answer is simple:

The Rules

 work! Unlike other dating books that are therapeutic and theoretical—that sound good, that give warm ’n fuzzy, meaningless, and misleading advice such as

be yourself, don’t play games, tell a man how you feel,

 but don’t work in real life—

The Rules

 tell the truth about dating and help you get Mr. Right!

The Rules

 take the analysis and angst out of dating. It’s simple. If he calls you, he likes you. If he doesn’t,

Next!

 What does

be yourself

 mean if that’s calling a man three times a day or staying on the phone for three hours? Why would anyone want to read a dating book that didn’t help you get the man you want to marry you?

Many people ask how we wrote a best-seller. To be honest, we were not trying to. We wrote

The Rules

 to help women date with self-esteem and get married. Period.

While we are naturally thrilled by the success of the book, what’s been even more rewarding is seeing how women of all ages and all walks of life use

The Rules

 to love themselves and marry Mr. Right. After three decades of haphazard dating—dutch treat, sex on the first date, and living together—these women are delighted that such a dating book exists.

“I wish I had known about

The Rules

 ten years ago,” is the most frequent comment we hear.

“

The Rules

 should be given out to all women at birth,” wrote another

Rules

 fan.

The book hit a chord not only with single women in their twenties, thirties, and forties, but with mothers and grandmothers. “She won’t listen to me, maybe she’ll listen to you,” wrote one mom. Another mom told us she gave the book to her daughter and her daughter’s friends.

While many readers thanked us for the general guidelines provided in

The Rules,

 just as many wrote and called asking for more specific answers to dating situations and problems—for example, rules for long-distance relationships, rules for getting back an ex-boyfriend, rules for dating a celebrity, rules for dating a coworker, rules for turning a male friend into a boyfriend, rules for dating services and on-line dating, and for advice on how to start a

Rules

 support group, among many other topics.

We wrote

The Rules II

 to answer all these questions—and to clarify any confusion you might have about rules in the first book, such as, “How will he know the real me if I do

The Rules

?” and “Can I

ever

 call a man?”

We have included some success stories in

The Rules II

 that we hope will inspire you to do

The Rules.

 We hope to publish many more—perhaps yours!—in the future.

We look forward to your comments, questions, success stories, and wedding invitations!

 Ellen and Sherrie

Chapter 1

Why The Rules Work

Why do

The Rules

 work?

Because

The Rules

 are based upon the basic truths of human nature! Everyone wishes we could be more open and honest with men in the early stages of dating or ask men out, but these wishes are pure fantasy. To think men and women should treat each other exactly alike, as platonic friends do—dutch treat, even steven, tit for tat—is unrealistic. In the

romantic

 world, there’s only one way that truly works. The man must be attracted to and then pursue the woman. It simply doesn’t work any other way.

That doesn’t mean we have to

like

 it. Even

we

 didn’t want

The Rules

 to be true. Who wants it to be true that a man’s attraction to us doesn’t grow? Who wants it to be true that a man might lose interest if we’re too aggressive, too needy, or too predictable?

Everyone wishes certain things were different from what they are. Who wants war, crime, or bitter cold weather? Who wants to diet and exercise? Wouldn’t it be great if we could eat whatever we wanted, whenever we felt like it and still be slim, fit, and have perfect thighs?

Rules

 girls are realists. They accept that men and women are different and act accordingly. They don’t always

like

 to do

The Rules,

 but they do them anyway because they love the results.

Of course, as popular as

The Rules

 has become, it has also been the subject of controversy—mostly by the media and the authors of other dating books, not by women who simply want advice about men. They just want to get married!

The Rules

 have been criticized for being old-fashioned and antifeminist, and for encouraging women to play games and get married at any cost (“get the ring”). We would like to examine these criticisms one by one and explain why they are unfounded.

Old-fashioned? Not really. While

The Rules

 may sound like something your mother may have told you about, times and circumstances have completely changed. Women in the ’90s need

The Rules

—not because pursuing men is morally wrong or scandalous, or any of the reasons your mother may have told you. No,

The Rules

 tell us not to pursue men for one simple reason. It doesn’t work!

Fifty years ago, women didn’t call men or live with men before marriage because it was considered socially unacceptable. Fifty years ago, they didn’t even need to think about “ending the date first.” Their fathers ended it for them by requiring them to be home at a certain time, much like their great-grandfathers put an end to dates by holding up a shotgun on the front porch!

In addition, back then, women often had to get married in order to move out of their parents’ house. Women were financially dependent on men, and once married they became full-time wives and mothers who, for the most part, did not pursue careers.

Compare that to ’90s women. Many are financially self-sufficient. They can afford their own apartments, cars, vacations, wardrobes, and creature comforts. They can even have or adopt and support a child on their own. They no longer need men to get away from their parents or to have good or interesting lives. But the truth is they

want

 men in their lives—as partners/friends, lovers, husbands/fathers. They can function without men, but they yearn for marriage and children and/or fulfilling relationships.

Their problem is

how

 to get married or be in fulfilling relationships. The sexual revolution of the ’60s proved to be filled with empty promises—sex and living together did not add up to commitment.

Who or what can women turn to for dating advice? They may or may not be able to relate to their mothers. Besides, some mothers, trying to be hip and modern or desperate for their daughters to get married and produce a grandchild, will give them bad advice and tell them to call men and pay their own way. (“Don’t be so picky,” they tell them.)

Their female friends, conditioned by the social mores of today and with well-meaning intentions, may say “Oh, call him if you like him! What have you got to lose?” If he turns them down, “So, what?” they say.

Well, we say:

(1) Maybe if you don’t call him, he’ll build up a

real

 desire and call you!

(2) A man who is receptive to your advances (without making any of his own) may date or even marry you at your suggestion, but down the road he’ll be bored and ambivalent toward you.

Women have turned to

The Rules

 because it’s the only advice they can count on that works. They’re not retro, they’re fabulous!

Antifeminist? No, as far as we are concerned, there is no conflict between

The Rules

 and feminism.

Rules

 girls can be feminists.

We are feminists.

 We believe in and are grateful for the advances women have made in the last century. How else could we have become authors and formed a company? All women have different definitions of feminism, but to us, it is about getting equal pay for equal work. It’s about women being authors, astronauts, doctors, lawyers, CEOs, or whatever they want to be—getting promoted, being treated the same and paid as much as men!

Feminism is also about women believing in their own importance. It is about being fulfilled by our jobs, our hobbies, our friendships. It is knowing that the women in our lives are as important as the men—and treating our friends with respect and consideration to prove it!

But with all due respect, feminism has not changed men or the nature of romantic relationships. Like it or not, men are emotionally and romantically different from women. Men are biologically the aggressor. They thrive on challenge—whether it’s the stock market, basketball, or football—while women crave security and bonding. This has been true since civilization began!

Men who respond to

The Rules

 are not sick or stupid, but quite normal and healthy. Your average guy. What would be

sick

 is if a man chased and chased a woman who clearly didn’t want him, who repeatedly said “no” when he asked her out as early as Monday for Saturday night. But that’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about a woman who says “yes” to dates when asked a few days in advance and is nice to men on dates. She’s simply not too eager and doesn’t drop everything to see him at a moment’s notice. That way he respects her and wants to be with her and marry her.

Why

 men are naturally driven by challenge is not important. The point is to do what works to have a successful relationship, which is to let men do the pursuing … in other words, to follow

The Rules.

After twenty to thirty years of do-what-you-feel and haphazard dating, most women we know are actually relieved to have rules and boundaries to live by. These women are happy that feminism has helped them get ahead in business and given them financial independence, but they agree that trying to be as aggressive in relationships with men as they are in their careers doesn’t work.

Are we telling women to play games? Some people like to focus on the most superficial aspects in

The Rules

—the ones most likely to promote controversy—but the book is really about self-esteem, about setting boundaries. Yes, in some ways, you’re playing a game. The game is called

liking yourself

! The game is not accepting just any treatment from a man. The game is being true to your heart. Everyone knows in their hearts that

The Rules

 work, that this is the way it really is. But some people have to read the book a few times before they get the message that it’s not just about egg timers, lipstick, and not returning calls.

The Rules

 is not an etiquette book—it’s not about how to order wine on a date or which fork to use. While these niceties are important, they’re not what

The Rules

 focus on.

The Rules

 are about saving women—and men, for that matter—heartache. There are many disastrous relationships out there because women either initiated relationships with men or kept them going long after they should have been over. A failed relationship is depressing, confidence-shaking, and altogether unpleasant. By following

The Rules,

 you avoid these disastrous results—and these painful emotions.

We had to write

The Rules

 strictly, like a strict diet book, because we knew women would break them. Yo