Loe raamatut: «Pax»

“So there were lots of them.”

Peter heard how stupid it sounded, but he couldn’t help repeating it. “Lots.” He plowed his fingers through the heap of plastic soldiers in the battered cookie tin – identical except for their poses: standing, kneeling, and prone, all with rifles pressed hard to their olive-green cheeks. “I always thought he just had the one.”

“No. I was always stepping on them. He must have had hundreds. A whole army of them.” The grandfather laughed at his own accidental joke, but Peter didn’t. He turned his head and looked intently out the window, as if he had just caught sight of something in the darkening back yard. He raised a hand to draw his knuckles up his jaw line, exactly the way his father rasped his beard stubble, and wiped surreptitiously at the tears that had brimmed. What kind of a baby cried about something like this?

And why was he crying at all, anyway? He was twelve and he hadn’t cried for years, not even when he’d fractured his thumb bare-handing Josh Hourihan’s pop fly. That had hurt a lot, but he’d only cursed through the pain waiting with the coach for X-rays. Man up. But today, twice.

Peter lifted a soldier from the tin and drifted back to the day he’d found one just like it in his father’s desk. “What’s this?” he’d asked, holding it up.

Peter’s father had reached over and taken it, his face softening. “Huh. Been a long time. That was my favourite toy when I was a kid.”

“Can I have it?”

His dad had tossed the soldier back. “Sure.”

Peter had stood it up on the windowsill beside his bed, pointing the little plastic rifle out in a satisfying show of defence. But within the hour Pax had swiped it, which made Peter laugh – just like him, Pax had to have it.

Peter dropped the toy back into the tin and was about to snap the lid back on when he noticed the edge of a yellowed photo sticking up from the mound of soldiers.

He tugged it free. His dad, at maybe ten or eleven, with one arm draped around a dog. Looked like part-collie, part-a-hundred-other-things. Looked like a good dog, the kind you would tell your own son about. “I never knew Dad had a dog,” he said, passing the photo to his grandfather.

“That’s Duke. Dumbest creature ever born, always underfoot.” The old man looked more closely at the picture, and then over at Peter as if seeing something for the first time. “You’ve got the same black hair as your dad.” He rubbed at the fringe of grey fuzz banding the top of his head. “I had it too, way back. And look, he was scrawny then, too, same as you, same as me, with those ears like a jug. The men in our family – I guess our apples don’t fall far from the tree, eh?”

“No, sir.” Peter forced a small smile, but it didn’t hold up. “Underfoot.” That was the word Peter’s father had used. “He can’t have that fox underfoot. He doesn’t move as fast as he used to. You stay out of the way, too. He’s not used to having a kid around.”

“You know, war came and I went and served, like my father. Like your father now. Duty calls, and we answer in this family. No, sir, our apples don’t fall far from the tree.” He handed back the photo. “Your father and that dog. They were inseparable. I’d almost forgotten.”

Peter put the photo back into the tin and pressed the lid down tight, then slid it under the bed, where he’d found it. He looked out the window again. He couldn’t risk talking about pets right now. He didn’t want to hear about duty. And he sure didn’t want to hear any more about apples and the trees they were stuck underneath. “What time does school start here?” he asked, not turning round.

“Eight. They said to show up early, introduce yourself to the homeroom teacher. Mrs. Mirez, or Ramirez … something. I got you some supplies.” The old man nodded over to a spiral notebook, a beat-up thermos, and a bunch of stubby pencils bundled together with a thick rubber band.

Peter walked over to the desk and put everything into his rucksack. “Thanks. Bus or walk?”

“Walk. Your father went to that school, and he walked. Follow Ash to the end, turn right on School Street, and you’ll see it – big brick building. School Street – get it? You leave by seven thirty, you’ll have plenty of time.”

Peter nodded. He wanted to be left alone. “Okay. I’m all set. I guess I’ll go to bed.”

“Good,” his grandfather replied, not bothering to hide the relief in his voice. He left, closing the door behind him firmly as if to say, You can have this room, but the rest of the house is mine.

Peter stood by the door and listened to him walk away. After a minute, he heard the sound of dishes clattering in the sink. He pictured his grandfather in the cramped kitchen where they’d eaten their silent dinner of stew, the kitchen that reeked so strongly of fried onions that Peter figured the smell would outlive his grandfather. After a hundred years of scrubbing by a dozen different families, this house would probably still smell bitter.

Peter heard his grandfather shuffle back along the hall to his bedroom, and then the low spark as the television caught, the volume turned down, an agitated news commentator barely audible. Only then did he toe off his trainers and lie down on the narrow bed.

Six months – maybe more – of living here with his grandfather, who always seemed on the verge of blowing up. “What’s he always so mad about, anyway?” Peter had asked his father once, years ago.

“Everything. Life,” his father had answered. “He got worse after your grandmother died.”

After his own mother had died, Peter had watched his father anxiously. At first, there had just been a frightening silence. But gradually his face had hardened into the permanent threat of a scowl, and his hands clenched in fists by his sides as if itching for something to set him off.

Peter learned to avoid being that something. Learned to stay out of his way.

The smell of stale grease and onions crawled over him, seeping from the walls, from the bed itself. He opened the window beside him.

The April breeze that blew in was chilly. Pax had never been alone outside before, except in his pen. Peter tried to extinguish the last sight he’d had of his fox. He probably hadn’t followed their car for long. But the image of him flopping down on the gravel shoulder, confused, was worse.

Peter’s anxiety began to stir. All day, the whole ride here, Peter had sensed it coiling. It always seemed like a snake to him, his anxiety – waiting just out of sight, ready to slither up his spine, hissing its familiar taunt. You aren’t where you should be. Something bad is going to happen because you aren’t where you should be.

He rolled over and pulled the cookie tin out from under the bed. He fished out the photo of his father with one arm slung so casually around the black-and-white dog. As if he had never worried he could lose him.

Inseparable. He hadn’t missed the note of pride that had entered his grandfather’s voice as he’d said that. Of course he’d been proud – he’d raised a son who knew about loyalty and responsibility. Who knew that a kid and his pet should be inseparable. Suddenly the word itself seemed an accusation. He and Pax, what were they then … separable?

They weren’t, though. Sometimes, in fact, Peter had had the strange sensation that he and Pax merged. The first time it happened had been the first time he’d taken Pax outdoors. The kit had seen a bird and had strained against the leash, trembling as though electrified. And Peter had seen the bird through Pax’s eyes – the miraculous lightning flight, the impossible freedom and speed. He’d felt his own skin thrill in full-body shivers, and his own shoulders burn as though yearning for wings.

It had happened again this afternoon. He had felt the car spin away as though he were the one being left. His heart had quickened with panic.

Tears stung again, and Peter palmed them with frustrated swipes. His father had said it was the right thing to do. “War is coming. It means sacrifices for everybody. I have to serve – it’s my duty. And you have to go away.”

Of course, he’d been half expecting it. Two of his friends’ families had already packed up and left when the evacuation rumours had begun. What he hadn’t expected was the rest. The worst part. “And that fox … well, it’s time to send him back to the wild anyway.”

A coyote howled then, so nearby that it made Peter jump. A second one answered, and then a third. Peter sat up and slammed the window shut, but it was too late. The yips and howls, and what they meant, were in his head now.

Peter had only two bad memories of his mother. He had a lot of good ones, too, and he often took those out to comfort himself, although he worried that they might fade from so much exposure. But the two bad ones he’d buried deep. He did everything in his power to keep them buried. Now the coyotes were baying in his head, unearthing one of them.

When he’d been about five, he’d come upon his mother standing dismayed beside a bed of blood-red tulips. Half of them were standing at attention, half of them splayed over the ground, their blossoms crumpling.

“A rabbit got them. He must think the stems are delicious. The little devil.”

Peter had helped his father set a trap that night. “We won’t hurt him, right?”

“Fine. We’ll just catch him, then drive him into the next town. Let him eat someone else’s tulips.”

Peter had baited the trap himself with a carrot, then begged his father to let him sleep in the garden to keep watch. His father had said no, but helped him set an alarm clock so he’d be the first to awaken. When it went off, Peter had run to his mother’s room to lead her outside by the hand to see the surprise.

The trap lay on its side at the bottom of a freshly scraped crater at least five feet across. Inside was a baby rabbit, dead. There wasn’t a single mark on its little body, but the cage was scratched and dented, and the ground all around clawed to rubble.

“Coyotes,” his father said, joining them. “They must have scared it to death trying to get in. And none of us even woke up.”