Loe raamatut: «The Redemption Of Lillie Rourke»

CHAPTER ONE

RAIN SHEETED DOWN the grimy window and puddled on the blacktop, and a dozen identical buses lined up in angled parking slots.

Lillie watched as grim-faced passengers boarded, a few pulling wheeled suitcases, others hauling overstuffed backpacks. As they jockeyed for overhead bins, the scent of damp wool and denim filled the space. And, she realized, someone was eating a tuna sandwich. She hoped its owner would finish it soon, because inhaling the fishy odor wouldn’t make the four-hour trip any easier.

“Are you saving this seat for someone?”

Lillie’s gaze traveled from the man’s haggard face to his frayed sweatshirt and holey jeans. Something told her he hadn’t paid top dollar for the distressed look. The passengers waiting in line behind him seemed equally interested in her answer, so Lillie gathered up her jacket and purse.

“Don’t worry,” he said, settling in beside her. “I don’t bite.”

“That’s good to know.”

His right forefinger aimed at the straps of the backpack nestled in her lap. “I don’t steal either, so...”

She relaxed her grip, but only a bit.

“Going all the way to Florida?”

“No.” As the driver buckled himself in, she slid the backpack to the floor. “Only as far as Baltimore.”

“Ah. A surprise Mother’s Day visit, huh?”

Lillie nodded, watching the driver adjust his rearview mirror, fire up the motor and close the door. It had been dumb luck that she’d get home in time to celebrate the day with her mom. She’d missed the annual cookout last year, thanks to Rising Sun’s strict don’t-leave-the-grounds policy. And in all honesty, she hadn’t been fully present the year before that, thanks to—

“My mom moved to Orlando couple years back. That’s where I’m headed.”

Another nod. Perhaps her nonanswers would send a not interested in talking message.

But he said, “Don’t mind admitting, I’m not looking forward to it.”

Lillie knew the feeling.

“Because last time I saw her, I was falling-down drunk.” He winced, then hung his head. “I apologized. Promised I’d quit. But that look on her face...”

The look that said “I don’t believe you.” Lillie cringed, remembering it on her parents’ faces. Her siblings’. Worse yet, on Jase’s handsome face.

Her seatmate sighed in frustration. Or maybe it was regret.

“That’s what finally convinced me to sign into rehab—that look, I mean—and what kept me clean these past two years.”

A recovering addict, going home to make amends, and to prove that he’d kicked the habit, once and for all.

Just like you, Lill. Except that he’d been sober a whole year longer than she had.

Of all the empty seats on this bus, why had he chosen the one beside her?

He held out a hand. “Gabe Sheffield.”

“Lillie Rourke,” she said, taking it.

She’d learned in rehab that to truly come to terms with drug or alcohol dependence, addicts had to admit their own culpability in the addiction. Lillie had managed to take full responsibility with the staff at Rising Sun, but wasn’t at all sure she could pull it off with the people she’d hurt.

For one thing, her parents and siblings would have questions, and so would Jase. She owed them straightforward answers. What better way to practice dealing with the ugly facts than by confessing them with someone she’d never see again?

“I was in rehab, too.”

“Yeah?” He studied her face. “You could have fooled me.”

“Why?”

“You don’t look desperate, or like you have something to prove.”

During her final group therapy session, that was exactly what a fellow patient feared most. Until that moment, she hadn’t given it a thought. Funny, because she felt both right now.

“Sixteen months ago,” she continued, “I signed myself into Rising Sun. It was a really intense time.”

“How long?”

“Seven weeks.”

Gabe’s brow furrowed as he considered her words. “You beat the addiction in less than the normal amount of time?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Rising Sun, huh? Isn’t that the place where movie stars go?”

Lillie knew how fortunate she’d been to have had Pete in her corner; his steady and generous contributions to the facility helped allow her to take advantage of the facility’s groundbreaking treatments.

“Actually, a friend pulled some strings. I did odd jobs there in exchange for room and board and sessions with the staff.”

“Cool.” Then, “Did you get any autographs while you were there?”

She’d met a major-league baseball player, a well-known country singer and half a dozen Broadway stars. But she felt protective of their anonymity.

“All that matters is that I’ve been out for a year now, working pretty much nonstop, and saving to repay...everyone.”

“Yeah, we tend to rack up some big-time debts, don’t we.”

Lillie bristled. She hadn’t minded being treated like every other resident at Rising Sun, so why did it bother her when this guy assumed he and she were alike?

“So is Baltimore home, or just a payback stop?”

“It’s both.”

Lillie had grown up in the big old house that had become her parents’ B and B. They didn’t know it yet, but Lillie had no intention of accepting a salary for helping out in the kitchen, serving meals and cleaning guest rooms. And although they’d try to talk her out of finding another job to fill the hours when they didn’t need her, that was exactly what she intended to do. Sending money to her siblings, the guys in the band and Jase’s mother had been easy. Earning back their trust wouldn’t be.

Jase? Jase would be another matter entirely.

She thought about what Jase had said that last night. If only there had been venom in his words, or if he’d ordered her to leave. Slammed a door. Something. If he had, she might have learned to live with it. Instead, when Jase found out that she’d stolen the band’s money for a handful of pills, he had looked...

After all this time, the only word she could come up with to describe it was wounded.

Lillie closed her eyes and remembered how she’d gone through the well-rehearsed list of apologies he’d heard far too many times before. Promises that nothing like this would ever happen again. Claims that this time, this time, she’d get help. For the longest time, he’d just stared, grim-faced and slump-shouldered, then quietly ground out, “The guys have bills to pay, too, you know. When are you gonna realize your needs aren’t more important than everybody else’s?”

“Say, Lillie,” Gabe said, breaking into her thoughts, “maybe you can help me make a tough decision. You know, since you understand things.”

“I stink in the advice department.”

He shrugged. “My older brother lives in Florida, too. It’s the main reason our mom moved down there. He owns a landscaping company. Offered me a job and a place to stay. You know, until I get on my feet.” Gabe paused. “But I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. I’m godfather to his thirteen-year-old son, see, and not to toot my own horn, but the kid’s crazy about me.”

Lillie thought of her brother’s twins, who’d once lit up at the sight of her, and wondered if Sam had told the girls that their beloved aunt was a drug addict.

“You’re worried that if you spend too much time around your nephew, you’ll be a bad example?”

“Bingo.”

The bus merged with traffic on 28th Street, and Gabe shifted in his seat.

“Your brother told your nephew...everything?”

“That’s just it,” Gabe said. “I don’t know.”

He looked as distraught as she felt. Disappointing people was tough. She’d certainly learned that the hard way.

“Well, even if the boy knows, that’s not such a bad thing, is it? I mean, you made a mistake—”

“Lots of mistakes.”

“—but you made things right, and stayed clean for a long time. What better example can you set than that?”

Who are you trying to convince, Lill? Gabe? Or yourself?

“Maybe...” And then, “So how’d you get into, ah, trouble?” He held up his hand again. “If I’m poking my nose where it doesn’t belong, say the word.”

Lillie reminded herself that this was the perfect opportunity to practice the difficult “I was a mess and I’m sorry” speech before she had to deliver it yet again...to Jase, the one person she hadn’t repaid. Yet.

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “A little over three years ago, my car was T-boned by a city bus.”

“Holy smokes. How badly were you hurt?”

Lillie stared at the jagged white scar that crossed the back of her right hand, and instinctively covered it with her left. “There were seven operations...” To repair her shattered left leg and arm, and the ribs that had punctured her lung. Even after all this time, nightmares about the impact still had the power to shake her from deep sleep.

“Then I spent a month in an inpatient rehab center—the physical therapy kind—followed by months more of outpatient work.”

“Holy smokes,” Gabe repeated. “That’s one brutal story.” He paused. “Did the transit system pay the medical bills?”

“Yes, they were very accommodating.”

“So the trouble started when your doctors put you on pain meds?”

“More like when they decided I didn’t need them anymore.”

“And?”

Admittedly, the pain had been excruciating, making it next to impossible to climb to her second-floor apartment—especially when hauling groceries—or to stand onstage for hour-long intervals or sleep more than an hour at a time.

“There were three doctors. My surgeon. My regular guy. And my shrink. Little did I know, they compared notes. And when they realized I was hooked on the meds, they cut me off.”

“Harsh,” Gabe said. “Wouldn’t it have been better to wean you slowly?”

“Maybe.” But given how totally dependent she’d grown, maybe not.

“So you had to find other ways to cut the pain...”

It should have been easy to admit. It wasn’t. And so Lillie said, “What about you?”

Gabe shrugged. “Nothing as dramatic or understandable as a car wreck. No, I was the stereotypical spoiled brat with too much time on his hands and too much money in his pockets. Got in with the wrong crowd—although at the time they sure didn’t seem like the wrong crowd—and the rest is history.”

It wasn’t unusual for recovering addicts to be tough on themselves. Unfortunately, the self-deprecating mindset, her counselors said, was responsible for more addicts relapsing than just about anything else.

“Still,” she reminded him, “your mom inspired you to get help.”

“She’s only half the reason. I watched a pal OD on crack.” He grimaced and his voice trailed off, a clear sign that he’d recalled a raw memory. “I got real serious about rehab after that.” He turned slightly. “So when you got off the prescription meds, what cut the pain?”

“Hydrocodone, mostly.”

“As in Watson-387?”

“That, and half a dozen other types of pills supplied by my go-to guy.” Although she hadn’t touched drugs or alcohol since entering rehab, it shamed Lillie to admit that she’d washed down hydro, norco, vic, and more—with dry gin—and paid for it with money taken from those who cared most about her. Her sister and her husband. Her brother and his wife. Her parents. Her best friend. The guys in the band.

It had been humiliating, facing each of them, stammering through clumsy apologies, voice quaking and hands shaking as she returned every dollar. Though she didn’t believe she’d earned their forgiveness, they’d been gracious, smiling as they told her to stay in touch and take care of herself. Had they meant it?

She’d saved the toughest encounter for last. Jase...

“Your friend,” Gabe began, “the one who hooked you up with the Rising Sun people...is he a boyfriend?”

That inspired a smile. “No, Pete owns a pub in the Bronx. We met when my agent booked me to sing with his house band. I was barely eighteen, and he looked out for me.”

“Like a big brother.”

“Exactly.” Pete was the first person she’d turned to after that last night with Jase, when it became clear that she’d gotten completely out of control.

“So—to quote my grandpa—you’re footloose and fancy-free?”

Lillie had no idea how to answer him. Jase likely wouldn’t want anything to do with her, other than to accept repayment of the money she’d taken. If that was the case, she’d deal with it, somehow... In all this time, she hadn’t entertained thoughts of starting a relationship with someone new. He’d been her first true love, and he’d probably be her last. In her mind and heart, she hadn’t yet earned the right to romance or happiness.

“This Pete guy, he’s got connections at Rising Sun because he’s a recovering addict?”

“Yes. They helped him kick his addictions, so when he inherited a lot of money, he donated a chunk to them. He’d been into the hard stuff. Heroin. Mescaline. You name it, Pete did it. And almost died when someone sold him a bad batch of H.”

“Yeah, I can see how that’d scare a dude straight.”

“That, and finding out he had a child.”

“Whoa.” Gabe nodded. “The whole set-a-good-example thing, like me.” He reached into his duffle bag and withdrew two bottles of water. After handing one to Lillie, he said, “So you’ve been clean for a year?”

“Fourteen months.” And sixteen days...

He unscrewed the cap, took several gulps. “You said you were on the road before this all happened?”

“Mmm-hmm. I was a singer. Hotel lounges, mostly, but now and then, my agent would book me with a band. I saw a lot of this country through bus windows.” Until Jase, when she’d been more than content to stand on the same stage, singing into the same mic, every night for nearly a year before—

“Play an instrument?”

“Guitar. Practically the only thing I owned that I didn’t sell for, well, you know.”

“Yeah, I do.” He picked at the bottle’s label. “I have an Ovation. Belonged to my grandfather. And like you, it’s one of a handful of things I held on to.”

“Mine is handcrafted. It’s a MacCubbin. It has a great sound.” Jase had scrimped to give it to her the Christmas before she left for Rising Sun. While living at the center—and ever since—she’d taken the instrument from its plush-lined case only to change the strings and buff the Brazilian rosewood to a fine sheen. The calluses on her fingertips had all but disappeared, because she couldn’t bear to hear the resonant tones that reminded her of the music she and Jase had made together.

“You going back to it now? Music, I mean?”

And think about the way she once shared a mic with Jase, creating perfect harmony?

“Absolutely not.”

“I get it. Too much temptation.”

Lillie had earned her keep at Pete’s, serving liquor of every description, and managed to stay away from it. And yet she said, “Something like that.”

Gabe yawned. “Well, I hope you won’t think I’m rude or anything, but I’m gonna try to catch a few z’s before our first stop.”

“Good idea. I might do the same.”

Moments later, listening to his soft, steady snores, Lillie closed her eyes. But she didn’t expect to sleep, not with all those newly awakened memories whirling in her mind.

She was surprised when the lurch of the bus startled her awake.

“Hey, thanks for keeping me company. It was great talking with you,” Gabe said, standing as she pulled her rolling suitcase from the overhead bin. “Maybe we can exchange numbers, do coffee if I ever get to Baltimore.”

He produced an old envelope and a ballpoint, and not knowing how to say not interested without hurting his feelings, she accepted both. As she wrote her first name, Lillie was tempted to change a digit or two in her cell number. But starting her new life on a lie, even one that small, didn’t seem like a good idea. So she handed back the pen and the envelope.

“Thanks,” she said, “but...”

Gabe took it and, he must’ve read her hesitation because he said, “I get it.” He shrugged. “Good luck to you.”

“And to you.”

She meant it, but if he ever did call, she’d find a reason to decline. She was in no position to start anything—not even a friendship—with anyone. Not until she had a better handle on who and what she had been...and what she’d done.

Besides, she wanted Jase, and no one else.

The admission gave her the strength to make a decision that had been a long time coming: she’d earn his trust again, no matter what it took.

* * *

“LILLIAN MARIE ROURKE, is that you?”

Only one person had ever called her by her full name. Heart drumming with joy—and dread—Lillie turned toward the robust voice.

“Dad! It’s so great to see you.”

“My, my, my,” her dad said, gripping her biceps, “just look at you. Roses in your cheeks and sparkles in those big brown eyes. You look...” Liam wrapped her in a fierce hug. “You look healthy.” He held her at arm’s length again. “Are you happy, Lill?”

She was glad to be home, with rehab behind her. Glad to have put in hard, fourteen-hour days at work afterward. Lillie had saved a few thousand dollars, every penny earmarked to repay the last of her debts. Until then, she wouldn’t truly be happy, so she didn’t answer him directly.

“Where’s Mom?”

“At the inn, planning your homecoming.” He winked. “Here,” her dad said, grabbing her suitcase, “let me take that. Can you believe I found a space right out front?”

Lillie followed him to the parking lot, tossed her backpack into the trunk beside the wheeled bag and climbed into the front seat. “You look wonderful,” she said. “Have you been dieting?”

“Dieting? Me?” He laughed. “No, but I’ve started a new project at the inn. Turns out it’s good exercise.”

“A project?”

Liam started the car. “An addition.”

“Ah, Mom’s kitchen bump-out.”

“And screened-in porch.”

“With a terrace beyond it?”

“And a gazebo. And an arbor. I tell you, Lill, she’s more excited than a bride on her wedding day. She has visions of hosting wedding parties. None of those eight-bridesmaids-and-groomsmen shindigs, mind you. Don’t know where we’d put ’em all in a place the size of the White Roof.”

Amelia had once dreamed of planning Lillie’s wedding. It was all she could talk about after Jase proposed. Back then, her mother had looked into the possibility of renting an arbor for them to exchange vows under. They’d trim it with white roses and baby’s breath. It would be a twilight ceremony, followed by a candlelight reception, complete with a string quartet, finger sandwiches and a four-tiered cake that Lillie would bake and decorate herself. Maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t a completely impossible dream...

“You won’t believe what your mother has done to that little room on the first floor of the turret.”

“Let me guess... It’s where the brides and bridesmaids will get dressed...” Along with mothers of the brides...

“A-yup.”

Liam reached across the console and squeezed her hand. “It’s really good to have you home, kitten. We missed you.”

How long since he’d called her that? Not since... Lillie shook off the hard memory.

“I missed you guys, too.”

“You’re really okay, then?”

In other words, are you clean and sober, for real? “Yes, I’m fine. Fourteen months now.” And sixteen days.

“What about all those aches and pains from the accident? They’re gone?”

Translation: Pain meds had started her down the road to addiction; was it possible she’d make a U-turn at the first temptation? They’d warned her at rehab to expect varying levels of mistrust. So much for the “forewarned is forearmed” theory, she thought, doing her best to shake off the sting of reality.

“Oh, I have the occasional ache, but who doesn’t? Don’t worry, though, I’ve fought too hard to put that life behind me. Forever. Ever. Period. Even if more surgery is in my future. Besides, I worked in a pub for months and months and didn’t so much as sniff a cork. So I passed the supreme test.” Not to mention, she’d continue daily meetings with the new sponsor recommended by Rising Sun to stay on track, but no one needed to know that. “You’re looking at the new me.” She raised her right hand. “Honest.”

Why did she suddenly feel sixteen again, explaining that she’d never stay out past curfew, ever, ever again?

“We just want what’s best for you, is all. You had us real worried there for a while. But if you say you’re cured—”

She hated to burst his bubble, but Lillie had to be up-front with him. “I wish there was a cure, Dad, but the fact is, I’m an addict. I’ll always be an addict, even after I’m old and gray and rocking on Mom’s new screened porch. But you have my word, I’ll never use again.”

There. It was out. Sadly, she’d need to repeat the little speech to reaffirm it for her mother and siblings. And Jase, whom she’d yet to apologize to. Something told her that no matter how many times she said it, the reassurance wouldn’t get any easier.

Lillie squared her shoulders. “So how are things at the inn? Are you overrun with guests?”

“Actually, just one old couple this weekend. They’d booked last year. It’s an annual thing for them, anniversary celebration. Once they check out, we’ll shut down for the next couple of months, you know, so the contractors won’t disturb anybody.”