She Was the Quiet One

She looked up into his eyes, holding her breath, afraid he would stop confiding in her.

“Tell me,” she whispered.

“I shouldn’t. I can’t—well, maybe I’ll tell you another time. But believe me when I say that bad things have happened in my life. Here at Odell, and elsewhere. Things that almost pulled me under, that I thought I would never recover from. But I did. I got past it. And you can, too. You remind me of myself, you know.”

“I do? How?”

“Maybe I’m projecting. But the way you’re so quiet in class, and yet, I can tell how deeply you’re feeling things. You’re a dreamer. So am I.”

“Yes. You see. You understand me.” Her eyes filled with tears again.

“That gives me some insight into how to help you, Bel. You need something to dream about. A focus, something special to work toward. If you could find that, I think you could be successful here. I think you could even be happy. Will you try?”

“I want to, Heath. I worry that I’m not up to it,” Bel said.

There, she’d used his name. Was he going to rebuke her? But no, he took her hand, and she held on, like he could save her from the flood.

“Don’t sell yourself short. If you could see the girl I see, I know you’d believe in yourself. You are up to it,” he said, and there was so much sympathy in his voice that she nearly melted.

“But I’m not as smart as the kids here,” she said.

“It’s not true. I’ve seen your file. I admit, your grades aren’t anything to write home about. But your scores are off the charts. You’re very smart, Bel. You just have to do the work, and you’ll succeed.”

“That’s not the only problem,” she said. “People are mean here. Everyone’s a poser. I feel so lost.”

“You have your twin sister to fall back on, don’t you?”

“Not really. Rose and I used to be good friends, but this place is driving us apart. She doesn’t like who I hang out with. She doesn’t approve of my behavior. We fight all the time. I hate it.”

“Odell can put pressure on relationships, it’s true. You have to ignore the noise. Find some time when it’s just the two of you, and hash things out. Will you try?”

“I want to make up with her. I do. I’ve been feeling so alone.”

“You’re not alone, Bel. You have your sister. You also have me.”

Bel wiped her eyes, and gazed at him. “You mean that?”

“I do mean it. I’m your advisor, and it’s my job to help you be happy here. As a matter of fact, I have a suggestion.”

Bel was hoping for something intimate and personal, like the two of them having dinner together. Now that would give her something to live for. Instead Heath suggested that Bel join the cross-country team, which he coached. It would get her out in nature, and the endorphins generated by long-distance running would improve her outlook. Yada yada yada, she thought. But then she realized that he couldn’t ask her to dinner even if he wanted to. It would look weird, and it was probably against the rules. But if she joined the team he coached, she could spend more time with him, and not just time, but time in the woods on the running trails, maybe even alone.

“I’d love to,” she said.

“Good, it’s settled. Come to the field house this afternoon at three forty-five, and we’ll get you squared away with a uniform.”

He glanced at his watch, which made her sad. She didn’t want their meeting to end.

“I have to get going,” he said. “It’s later than I thought. I’m glad we had this talk, Bel. Everything’s going to be all right. You’re going to be happy here, I promise. Okay?”

“If you say so.”

“I do say so.” He stood up and glanced around quickly, making sure that nobody would see. “C’mere, you seem like you could use a hug,” he said, holding out his arms.

Bel didn’t hesitate. She stepped into his embrace and gloried there, letting herself bask in the warmth of his body, his breath against her hair. She drank in the scent of his shampoo, which made her think of the ocean, of sandalwood. She would’ve stayed like that forever, but he released her, and stepped away.

“Okay, see you at the field house later,” he said.

Then he was gone.

The air felt cooler now—fresher, sweeter, and it smelled of flowers and grass. Somewhere somebody mowed a lawn, and the buzz of the lawn mower was cheerful to her ears. Bel started walking toward Moreland, and the deep green of the trees and the grass was pleasing to her now. There would always be a before and an after. A before and an after their talk. A before and an after their embrace. Before, she was lost, but now, a light shined on everything she saw. Bel could go tell Darcy and the seniors what happened, and bask in their envy. But she wouldn’t. She didn’t want to share this. Her friendship with Heath Donovan was her secret, hers alone.

9

“He just got glasses yesterday, poor thing, and doesn’t quite know what to make of them,” Mrs. Donovan said. Rose sat at the Donovans’ kitchen table, holding little Scottie in her lap. The air was fragrant with the scent of the chocolate-chip cookies fresh from the oven. The child fidgeted with the bright-green eyeglasses attached to his head with a strap, so Rose held him away from her and made funny faces to distract him. He watched her solemnly, his eyes behind the lenses wide as saucers.

“You’re so good with him,” Mrs. Donovan said. “Do you babysit?”

“I’d babysit for this guy anytime. He’s the sweetest,” Rose said, lowering her nose and drinking in the scent of the child’s flaxen hair.

Mrs. Donovan laughed. “I’ll take you up on that. He is a sweetie. He was a preemie, you know. He doesn’t talk much yet. He’s a little delayed. Watch out, though. His sister is a holy terror, and it’s a package deal.”

“She seems so fun. Is she here?”

“Harper is fun. She’s a handful, though. She’s in her room playing Goat Simulator on the laptop, so we can have some peace and quiet.”

“Playing what?”

“Goat Simulator. It’s this video game where the kid pretends to be a goat running wild in a town. It’s actually a pretty good metaphor for Harper’s life, come to think of it. Anyway, she’s obsessed with it.”

Mrs. Donovan placed a plate of cookies on the table in front of Rose. Max lounged at Rose’s feet, his tail thumping back and forth with the rhythm of a metronome. This afternoon tête-à-tête was like a dream come true. To be invited into a teacher’s home, and to have it be so cozy and adorable. The kitchen had an old-fashioned gas stove, a tile backsplash and pretty curtains. Mrs. Donovan had the nicest smile, and was so easy to talk to. In Rose’s old school, the teachers barely knew her name. Rose couldn’t believe her luck in getting Mrs. Donovan as her advisor.

“Tea?” Mrs. Donovan asked.

“I’d love to, but I’m holding the baby,” Rose said.

“Oh, I’ll take him, so you can enjoy your refreshments.”

Mrs. Donovan brought mugs of tea over to the table. Why did people say she wasn’t good-looking? She might not be flashy or blingy, but she had a fresh, wholesome prettiness—like a mother should. Rose’s mother had been glamorous, yet Rose had never felt comfortable with her eccentric, arty style. Done up in thrift-shop finds, with a big tattoo of angel wings on her arm for their dad. She cooked up pots of organic quinoa for dinner, but never baked cookies. Rose had secretly wished for a normal mom, someone more like Mrs. Donovan. She felt guilty thinking that, yet, if Rose was honest, here in this delightful kitchen with Mrs. Donovan, she didn’t miss her mother much at all.

Scottie went to Mrs. Donovan happily. Rose took a bite of a cookie. It was warm and gooey inside. Bliss.

“These are divine. Thank you so much for baking for me. You didn’t have to!” Rose exclaimed.

“Oh, it was no trouble. Harper helped. She loves baking—today, anyway. Five minutes from now, she’ll be on to something else.”

“It must be so special for them, growing up at Odell,” Rose said.

“People think that,” Mrs. Donovan replied, frowning. “But being a faculty kid makes for a strange childhood. We eat most of our meals in the dining hall, with a million people all around. Scottie gets overwhelmed by the excitement, and Harper eats it up. Literally. Yesterday I found three brownies in her pockets. Students sneak her extra dessert.”

Rose laughed. “That’s adorable.”

“Not when she’s bouncing off the walls at bedtime from all the sugar. Besides, it’s a control thing. How can I teach her no when there are so many teenagers around who say yes?”

“Yes, but—it’s so wonderful here, with beautiful grounds to play in. I grew up in an apartment complex in the city. Everything was concrete. We couldn’t have pets. To me, Odell feels like paradise.”

“You’re not alone in thinking that. Some people see the campus, and it’s love at first sight. My husband was like that. He lived and breathed Odell when we were students, and that’s still true. Even if he wasn’t sure about being a teacher, he knew he wanted to be here,” Mrs. Donovan said, and laughed sheepishly.

“He doesn’t like being a teacher?”

“Oh, I, uh, didn’t mean it that way,” Mrs. Donovan said, coloring slightly, as if she’d said too much. “Heath loves his work. Especially now that we’re dorm heads, and truly immersed in the community. He finds it very fulfilling.”

There was a false note in Mrs. Donovan’s voice that made Rose wonder how she herself felt about Odell.

“And you? Do you like your work?” Rose asked.

“Thank you for asking. I love teaching math. But I’m a bit of an introvert, so the dorm head job, living here on campus, doesn’t come as naturally to me as it does my husband. But I think it’s important work, so it’s satisfying in that sense. Historically, Moreland has had challenges. I had run-ins with girls from this dorm when I was a student here. It just seems to attract the mean girls.”

“There are mean girls here now,” Rose said.

“I realize that. And I want to be part of fixing the culture. Heath and I are trying to foster a healthy atmosphere in Moreland. But it’s tricky. We have to identify the girls causing the trouble, hopefully before they do anything too disruptive, and get them to change their ways, if possible.”

Rose wondered if Mrs. Donovan had heard the gossip. There was a rumor going around that the Moreland seniors—the same girls Bel hung out with—were engaged in a competition to seduce Mr. Donovan. Rose was so outraged when she heard that that she wanted to hit somebody. If it was true, they ought to be expelled. She had half a mind to tell Mrs. Donovan about it right now, and put a stop to it. But how awkward was that—telling Mrs. Donovan other girls wanted to sleep with her husband? It was too embarrassing, and would spoil their cozy tea date.

“Enough about me,” Mrs. Donovan said. “How are you doing, Rose? You’ve been through so much with your mom’s passing. Odell can be a tough transition in the best of times. Are you settling in all right?”

“Yes. I love it here. I couldn’t be happier.”

Mrs. Donovan looked at her skeptically. “I’m very glad to hear that, but you don’t have to say it if it isn’t true. I know you’re off to a great start academically. You’re doing excellent work in math class. I’ve also heard from some of your other teachers that you’re a confident speaker at the Harkness Table, which is a big indicator of success at Odell.”

Her teachers said good things about her. Rose nodded, arranging her features so she wouldn’t look too pleased with herself.

“I adore my classes, Mrs. Donovan. I feel so engaged, like I’m really learning.”

“What about outside of class? Are you feeling comfortable socially?” Mrs. Donovan asked.

“I’m doing so much fun stuff,” Rose said cheerily, grabbing her backpack, and pulling out her notebook. “Here’s my list so far. Auditioning for the fall play. I joined the debate team. I’m working on the literary magazine. Joined Model UN and French Club. Oh, and I might audition for the chorus. I’ve never sung in front of people except for karaoke, but I was pretty good at that.”

Mrs. Donovan looked at her in astonishment. “Rose, that’s a wonderful list. I’m very impressed. But you have be careful not to take on too much.”

Rose felt it should be obvious that she could handle anything she took on. Was Mrs. Donovan selling her short because of her background? Odell was a clubby place, and though Rose’s father’s family were old Odellians, and Grandma had money, Rose and Bel had been raised by a single mom in modest circumstances. Compared to her classmates, with their summers filled with golf and tennis, their vacations abroad and tutors for every subject, Rose had grown up underprivileged. But she intended to keep up with the Joneses in every way, and she didn’t want Mrs. Donovan doubting her.

“Don’t worry, I’m very organized. When my mother was sick, I bought the groceries, I did the laundry and the cooking. I dealt with the doctors. I even paid the bills, with help from my grandmother. And I still got straight A’s, although admittedly, my old school was easy compared to Odell.”

Mrs. Donovan’s face softened with sympathy. “You poor thing. To be burdened like that, at your age. No wonder you’re trying to be superwoman. We have excellent therapists in the health center. You should talk to someone.”

“That’s not necessary.”

“It can help you process your grief over losing your mom.”

“I try not to dwell on things that make me sad. I put them out of my mind, and go on the best I can.”

“Everybody needs to talk things out, Rose. That reminds me. I’ve been meaning to ask about your sister.”

“My sister?”

“Yes. Is everything all right between you and Bel?”

“Everything’s fine. Why?” Rose asked, alarmed.

“I heard through the grapevine that the two of you had a falling-out.”

Damnit! Kids had been gossiping about that incident in the dining hall, and it must’ve gotten back to Mrs. Donovan. Rose had been livid about the whole incident, to the point that she hadn’t spoken to Bel since, despite Bel’s multiple attempts to apologize. This whole mess was Bel’s fault, and Mrs. Donovan needed to know that.

“There was an incident in the dining hall the first day of classes,” Rose began.

“Go on.”

“Bel . . . Well, she can be immature, and she doesn’t always have the best judgment. We were talking a minute ago about mean girls in Moreland. I’m afraid Bel’s fallen in with that crowd. Darcy Madden, and her friend Tessa, that redheaded girl. She was sitting with them at lunch, and I tried to get her to move tables. I’m worried they’ll get her into trouble.”

Mrs. Donovan looked at Rose with concern in her eyes.

“I can’t comment specifically on other students’ disciplinary history. But you’re right about that group being a problem. So that caused trouble between the two of you.”

“We haven’t spoken since,” Rose said, conveniently omitting the fact that she was the one refusing to speak to Bel, not the other way around.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Mrs. Donovan said.

“Is there anything you can do?” Rose asked.

“Do?”

“To get Bel to stop hanging out with them.”

“Well. I suppose I could ask Heath to mention it to her. He’s her advisor.”

“That would be great. I’ll be honest, if Bel gets in trouble, I’m afraid it’ll reflect badly on me.”

“Rose, you keep mentioning Bel getting in trouble. Is she doing something she shouldn’t? Something specific, not just socializing with the wrong crowd. If you’re aware that other students are breaking the rules, you’re supposed to report them. Even if it’s your sister. The Honor Code requires it. Do you understand?”

Rose thought again about the contest to seduce Mr. Donovan. Bel’s new best friend was behind it. She hoped that didn’t mean her sister was involved with it. But she didn’t have proof, and she was afraid to say anything. Not only would it be terribly awkward to bring this up with Mrs. Donovan, but Rose could wind up with a reputation as a rat. That was social suicide at Odell.

“I haven’t heard anything specific,” Rose insisted. “Nobody tells me anything because I’m known as a girl who follows the rules. I just worry about my sister.”

“I understand. I’ll ask Heath to speak to her about the company she keeps. But there’s something I need to ask of you in return.”

“Okay.”

“Make up with Bel. Talk through your differences. You two are both new here. You’ve been through a lot. You need each other. Can you do that, Rose? Please? For me?”

Rose hesitated. She was hurt and pissed off enough that she really didn’t feel like making up with her sister. Not yet. Still, she couldn’t refuse Mrs. Donovan’s request, when Mrs. Donovan represented everything that was good and kind in the world.

“I’ll try,” she said, taking another cookie. “Promise.”

10

Bel had a stalker. Zachary Cuddy from her Spanish class wouldn’t leave her alone. She’d hooked up with him the second week of school, on the night of the opening dance, and immediately realized her mistake. She’d been trying to shake him ever since, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. Zach seemed to think he owned her, even though they hadn’t done more than fool around briefly in the woods. Yet nearly every day, he’d claim the seat next to her at morning convocation, or wait for her after Spanish to escort her to her next class. Yesterday, she’d turned around in the lunch line to find Zach standing right behind her, literally breathing down her neck. She nearly screamed. She’d tried ignoring him, laughing at him, running in the opposite direction, telling him to knock it off or she’d tell a teacher—nothing worked. He’d just look at her with puppy-dog eyes and beg her to tell him what he’d done wrong, so he could fix it.

Zach was one of several mistakes in Bel’s brief Odell career that could be laid at Darcy Madden’s door. Bel did whatever it took to please Darcy, and unfortunately the things that pleased Darcy had a certain twisted quality. Yet, Darcy’s friendship cast a circle of light so bright that Bel ignored the consequences. To be inside Darcy’s circle was to be among the chosen. Most Odell kids were earnest and square, but Darcy’s friends were different. They laughed, and did wild things—bad things even—but they were bulletproof, and never suffered. Darcy and her crew hailed from old Odellian families with gobs of money. If they misbehaved, or broke rules, Mom and Dad met with the headmaster, and the kid got sentenced to counseling or, at worst, rehab. Bel had already seen this, with a girl named Mia who got suspended for alcohol the first week of school. She went home for three days, and came back smiling, with a tan, a new pair of Saint Laurent boots, and a fifth of bourbon that they drank the same night in Darcy’s room. Life in Darcy’s circle was a big joke. The terrible pressures of Odell—the crushing workload, the college-admissions race, the insane three-hundred-page code of conduct manual—vanished at the flick of Darcy’s shiny, blond hair. Bel needed to be part of that. It wasn’t the money that turned her head, or the privilege. It was the freedom from fear.

Bel didn’t stop to calculate the cost of doing Darcy’s bidding, but in the back of her mind, she knew it was adding up. Under Darcy’s influence, she’d turned her back on her sophomore classmates (a bunch of uptight bores), allowed her sister to be insulted in front of the entire dining hall (Rose was too sensitive, anyway), worn pajamas to class on a dare (so hilarious, even though she’d gotten two demerits, and four meant suspension), and snuck out of the dorm to smoke weed out at Lost Lake (so chill, though getting caught could mean expulsion). Bel felt bad about those things, and yet, she also felt good—carefree, young, and most of all, flattered to be included. Being Darcy’s pet made her somebody important, where otherwise, Odell would grind her down.

The Zach hookup happened because Darcy decreed it. Darcy worried that her boyfriend, Brandon Flynn, was paying too much attention to Bel. You’re like the new toy, Darcy had said threateningly, better watch you don’t get chewed. Bel had done nothing to encourage Brandon’s attention. She found him repugnant, actually. Husky build, sandy hair, a Frankenstein forehead, Brandon was a mouth-breathing delinquent. He was also very, very rich, his dad being a real-estate billionaire, and Darcy was very possessive of her Mr. Moneybags. She refused to believe that Bel wasn’t interested in Brandon, or that Bel was only nice to Brandon because he was Darcy’s boyfriend. That couldn’t be true, Darcy said, because Brandon was the only guy Bel gave the time of day to.

That’s when Bel let slip that there was someone else she pined for. It slipped out, and then it was too late to take it back. Bel couldn’t tell Darcy about her Mr. Donovan obsession without getting roped into their awful contest. She had to make up another boyfriend. That’s where Zach came in, in a major miscalculation.

On the night of the opening dance, the Alumni Gym was dark, stuffy and jammed wall-to-wall with kids swaying to Rihanna. Bel was milling about with Darcy and Tessa, waiting for Brandon to text them that he’d scored weed, so they could all meet up at the lake. From the corner of her eye, Bel saw Zach Cuddy heading her way, and immediately knew that he was going to ask her to dance. He’d been harassing since the first day of class. Her first instinct was to turn away and pretend not to see him, but she saw her opportunity, and caught herself.

“Hey, here comes my crush,” Bel said to Darcy.

Darcy followed Bel’s gaze. “Him? He looks like a loser.”

Zach was tall and thin, with a shock of dark hair and mild blue eyes behind professorial-looking eyeglasses. Some people might call Zach handsome, but Bel and Darcy were not among those people.

“I think he’s cute,” Bel insisted.

“Whatever, girl. It’s your coochie. Invite him to the lake if you want.”

“Uh—”

Bel didn’t want to go as far as inviting Zach to the lake. But Darcy shot her a skeptical look, and she knew she had no choice. She stepped onto the dance floor and intercepted him.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hey, I’m Zach from your Spanish class.”

“Duh, I know. Why do you think I’m talking to you?”

“Oh. Excellent. Would you do me the honor of dancing with me?”

“No.”

His face fell.

“I don’t want to dance right now,” Bel said, glancing over her shoulder to make sure Darcy was watching. “I need some air. My friends are going down to the lake. Why don’t you come?”

Zach looked over at Darcy nervously. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Why?”

Zach hesitated, lowering his voice. “Um, when you say friends, you’re talking about Darcy Madden, right?”

“Yeah, so?”

“I’d love to hang out with you. But I’m not looking to get wasted or anything.”

“Who said anything about getting wasted?”

“It’s just, from what I hear—”

“What you hear. Do you judge people based on gossip?”

Zach looked taken aback. “No.”

“Don’t judge her, then. People just say stuff about her because they’re jealous. It’s a pretty night. Come outside with me. Please?”

Bel took Zach’s hand and gave him her sweetest smile. His eyes lit up.

The loudspeakers started making an awful screeching noise, which distracted the chaperones. Darcy and Tessa slipped out the back door, and Bel pulled Zach along, hurrying to keep up. Outside, the night was warm, lit by a fat harvest moon hanging low in the velvety sky. There was a loud sound of crickets chirping, and the smell of mulch and wet leaves, as they headed for the path into the woods. Zach’s hand trembled in hers.

“Are we seriously going to the lake? I’ve never been there at night,” he said.

“I have,” she said. “It’s gorgeous. Come on, hurry.”

Darcy and Tessa had been swallowed by the trees. Bel raced to keep up, flicking on the flashlight on her phone to light the way.

The Odell campus bordered a thousand-acre nature preserve—pristine land made up of dense forest, open fields, hilltops, valleys and babbling streams, all crisscrossed by a network of hiking trails. Lost Lake sat about a mile into the nature preserve from the border of campus. The path that led there was dark and mysterious, but with her friends in front of her and a boy by her side, Bel felt safe. More than safe, she felt happy to be alive. It was a beautiful night, and she was on a crazy adventure, with a slight edge of hysteria, as if she was high already even though she hadn’t smoked anything. That was the effect Darcy’s shenanigans had on her.

Bel stumbled on a root, giggling as Zach caught her.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine. Relax, Zach. You’re too uptight,” she said.

They didn’t talk again until they reached the wide meadow that bordered the lake. Zach caught the view across the open water, sparkling in the moonlight, and drew a sharp breath.

“See?” Bel said. “It’s worth it. C’mon.”

They headed for the wooden hikers’ lean-to that faced the lake. It had been the favorite rendezvous point for Odell kids looking to sin since time immemorial. Zach seemed to know that as well as Bel did. Or else he just smelled the pot.

“Uh, no, I can’t,” he said, stopping in his tracks.

“You don’t smoke weed?”

“Not on campus I don’t. Surest way to get caught.”

“This isn’t campus.”

“Not technically. But if you think the faculty doesn’t know about the lean-to, you’re mistaken. They raid it regularly.”

Darcy had never told Bel that, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t true. “Are you sure?” Bel asked.

“Positive. A bunch of guys from my dorm got caught drinking here last spring. They all got kicked out.”

“Wow. I had no idea.”

“Yeah, although, they were nobodies. And two of them were black. I’m not saying the school excessively punishes poor, black kids. It’s the opposite. If you’re somebody important, you get away with stuff that normal kids get punished for. Those friends of yours—I know who they are. They’re connected. Maybe you are, too. But I’m not, so I should probably go.”

Bel felt sorry for Zach. Plus, she hadn’t come this far just to turn around and leave without putting Darcy’s Brandon concerns to rest.

“We don’t have to get high,” Bel said. “Let’s just go in the woods and hook up. You can’t get expelled for that, right?”

He smiled. “I don’t know, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

“Hold on. I’m just gonna let Darcy know that we’re going someplace more private.”

She did. And they did. Their make-out session, which stopped well short of actual sex and was so forgettable to Bel, was now imprinted on Zach’s brain forever, to the point where he was making her life unbearable. She had to do something to get rid of him.