I’m breathing loudly. The heart beats so fast and so hard that you can barely hear your steps. I’d like to calm down. It’s dark everywhere. I’m running along the railroad. So it’s all good. I’ll make it and run in the right direction. The air is burning. The cool autumn air seems hot. Just a little more. It’s so empty.

What time is it? Very close. The light is near. It’s cool. And getting calmer.

Dana ran to the first train stop to catch the train. The girl noticed a small bench under a nondescript canopy. My legs were tired, that I would like to sit on it. On the contrary, can be a hundred meters away, you can see the railway building. Maybe a cash register. Inconspicuous station, apparently, some kind of village. There’s no name. At least you can’t see it anywhere. There is a noise of the trees behind. It looks like a forest.

Finally, the shortness of breath has passed. Looking through the darkness of the environment around, she turned her eyes to the shoes. Running shoes seem dirty. I’d like to wipe it, but can’t do it. So she shaked her feet to brush off the dust. She muttered to herself: – Time is not money, time is priceless. There is a man nearby whom Dana did not notice at first, but his face is still difficult to see in the dark. Stranger: I think the concept of «priceless» person will never be able to understand. And it is on my list of endless concepts that the human mind will probably never fully understand. «Infinity» is there and «time» is also Dana: You were not. Have you just emerged from the woods? Stranger: Why. I’ve been waiting for the train for a long time. It’s dark, you didn’t notice. I saw you running. Dana leaned forward, but the face of a stranger is still difficult to examine. He’s hiding it in the shadows.

The girl felt uncomfortable. She also felt a little creepy because of a calm, indifferent voice, so she couldn’t find out how old a stranger is. I do not want to ask something, but to continue the conversation is exciting: – Well, I see, you have thought enough about this topic. For reasons which are not clear to me, I think I understand you. Maybe it’s because of he doesn’t let go of one feeling. I thought I’d missed the train, but actually I’d overtake him while I was running. Understand?

This thought seemed to the girl so strange that she could hardly bring words what she wanted to say to a stranger. A deep muffled voice. It feels like asking a question insecurely.

Stranger: Yes, it’s a strange feeling. Before you said that, I hadn’t felt it. Even more she felt goosebumps ran through the body because of his answer. The strangeness of all that was happening grew, as the pause in the conversation. Dana exclaimed sharply: Where is this train? Stranger: You seemed so afraid to be late that you had more than a time.

The girl’s body shrouded itself. Her legs have crossed, and hands have hugged her torso. And the neck pulls the head to the shoulders. But only the eyes are looking into the distance. The underpass became visible in the fifty meters. The girl noticed him only now. A man came out of there. And despite the darkness, she was able to see his silhouette. He was a guy up to 185cm tall and about 30 years old, as Dana is. Smooth posture, strong body. Seems like he’s got a broad bone and Oval face. The girl seemed cool outside. But the guy was walking right at her in a T-shirt and shorts. There was a sense of attraction. The girl didn’t notice how she involuntarily stood up and took a step towards.

The sound of the train behind her sounded sharply. Dana turned around and saw that the stranger was standing still. Some guy walked by and turned to the woods. Dana never considered it. Everything looks so slowly, that it’s hard to say anything about. Strange feelings are overwhelming and it’s unclear to what to do with them. She wants to panic, but there is no point in it. After all, there is nothing special happens, in fact. At least, it seems so.

Stranger: Dana, we know each other! Dark silhouette with an creepy and calm voice no longer causes fear, so the girl did not understand how she defiantly to answered.

Dana: You’re still standing here! Show up yourself, at least. Anyway, what’s your name? Stranger: Have you seen him too?

Now it’s scary again. What this question means? The sound of the train is approaching. You can’t see it. But he’s already yelling. Wagons without a light rush passed by.

Dana: What does that mean?

Stranger: It means that you really wanted to be on this train, that he’s leaving you at the moment. You have to choose: stay and find out who I am or leave.

Wagons loud pass, one by one. The one thing that she could do is shouting. And to make a choice.

Dana: How am I going to leave?

Stranger: I’m standing near the call button. You may just say «stop» and I’ll do this. You’ll have time to get on the train. There is one thought on Dana’s head in yhe moment: «What does all this mean?». The voice inside suggests that all this could be a lie. And what she have to do next to this person?

Dana: Stop! – she made a decision. It seemed that the monologue in her head lasted forever. The train is slowing down. The wagons passed by one by one, so she couldn’t count it’s number. The penultimate carriage stalled in front of her. The doors were open in front of the girl. She looked around and noticed that the last wagon was dark, as the street around. Goosebumps ran through the skin and the girl quickly ran into the train.

The lighting inside was muted and strange colored.It reminds her when she look at a burning candle made of red wax. She looked around: what if the lamps didn’t shine at all? But it’s a lamp. What an unusual plafonds it have, perhaps it is old. The open compartment was quite noisy. Someone was playing cards, someone was playing musical improvised instruments. Someone even get managed to abstract and was reading a book. Someone was sleeping or maybe just was sitting with his eyes closed, because the specific light directly presses on the eyes.

Dana went forward a little more and decided to sit next to a woman with a child. The girl was about five years old. And she was seemed to be really asleep, unlike her mother, who was solving crossword puzzles. A man and a young man sat opposite. They were a little laughing. The man was joking to his friend. As soon as Dana settled down as the man switched to her: —

Did you run away from love?

Dana was not confused so she answered with a very firm voice:

– Is this a question or a statement?

The man stopped smiling:

– How do you want to accept this offer?

At this moment, the woman next to her took her stopped to solve the crossword puzzles and looked Dana in the eye:

– I’m sorry if my husband offended you. He’s a joker, but he doesn’t give up words in vain. Somehow, he can read people. He can help you. I’ll tell you more, you’re lucky to be our fellow traveler.

The girl was feeling uncomfortable of these words. She examined carefully each member of this family. People were looked pretty decent. But the clothes is not the judgment weapon. The face of the person can tell more. She was most interested in the appearance of a man.

Dana just wanted to look at him as she noticed his piercing look right in her eyes. It scared her. She dropped her eyes down immediately. And than she said in a soft voice,

– No, I didn’t. It’s just all about I’ve been confused about what I’m running.

– Man: Behind the train, from the silhouette or from the shadow?

Dana looked at the man again. She felt a piercing look at her again, instead of answering, which she did not know.

There is some kind of power in this men that makes the girl feel submissive. All of the thoughts are immediately being forgotten. Maybe it’s such a manipulation that the girl agreed to help another stranger for the evening. And something told her that it was worth trying to surrender to this power. She must be in the course, since she got on this train.

His young wife interrupted the inner reflections of the girl again:

– I would meet you again, but I think you will not stay long with us. But you still can talk with my husband. He can help you. Oh, I’ve said that before.

Everyone laughed amicably. It looks like a prank. But Nicholas’s continued to be serious and focused. Dana seems tired of the thought in her head. A sense of intensive flowness was growing, so she was not expecting to reach out to Nicholas:

– I’m Dana.

Nicholas: I know.

A sense of surprise probably helped her to look boldly on the face of a man. He seemed ugly to her, but very charismatic. She like it. There’s some kind of power in him. He got up and went to the end of the carriage and continuing to hold the girl’s hand. Dana followed him silently. They lurked quietly at the door.

Dana: I think everyone here knows my name. I don’t know who I am.

Nicholas just smiled slyly: Everything is fine, Dana. You’ll find out soon enough.

Dana: Does my palm say so? I feel like I’ve got something written on my forehead.

It is not clear to the girl why she is holding hands with a stranger. This moment seemed so strange that she decided to joke. She believed her words seriously, so she even looked at her forehead in the reflection of the window opposite. But she didn’t consider anything. But Nicholas was looking at her palm.

Nicholas: Dana, you’re running away from your emptyness and looking for something that’s going to fill it. But there is no emptiness. It’s a mask that hides a specific pain. Fear is behind it. You got on the right train and into the right wagon.

Dana: Is that wagon right for me?

Nicholas: You need the last one. And we’re already standing at the exit to it.

Dana paused in her thought. She wanted to pull her hand back, but instead she grabbed Nicholas even tighter. Feelings was beating like a fountain. She felt fear, mystery and hopelessness. She looked into the man’s confident eyes. Maybe he was tricky because he was talking riddles or maybe it was as a move in communication with girls. But the power of his gaze sprayed dubious thoughts in her head again. It seemed that she had no choice but to trust him.

Dana: Okay. The girl spoke one word quietly and dropped her eyes down, as if she was not ready to look into the face of the unknown. She turned at the door with a strong intention to go forward first.

Nicholas opened the door and followed Dana. A loud male laughter can be heard. Dana turned back, but it wasn’t Nicholas. The sound came from the last wagon. It’s become a little easier on her soul. They’re laughing, not crying. And the voice was pleasant. She even liked that laughter. Dana began to walk to the front door boldly. She liked this male bassist laughter, it was like a magnet. She opened the door inspiratedly.

The first thing she saw was nothing. She couldn’t hear the laughter. It was dark in the wagon. She could see the frames of the windows. It seems that even the wagon is completely empty without any chairs and shelves. She turned back, but Nicholas wasn’t there either. She could see some little pink point in the distance. There was a bass voice. «Come on, let’s go. Shut the door behind you.

Dana listened silently. A loud voice was heard again. It seemed so cheerful no longer, but rather calm and indifferentcive.

– Go ahead. Closer.

The girl had no choice but to go to the call of the voice. It seemed that he was whispering with each her step, «Bolder, bolder.» Dana was looking for something to grasp. But she couldn’t find anything. She just put her hands forward and waiting for something to stumble. The pink point was seen more and more clearly. There was some strange smell. Something scorched. It looks like dry grass, maybe with some kinds of flowers. She came closer slowly and stumble a warm big hand, which touched her shoulder. The bassist’s voice was a little laughing and she heard «Stop.» A stranger seemed to be standing in front of her at the end of the wagon. She found out that the pink point was the fire from his cigarette.

She couldn’t see anything, just silhouettes. The cigarette seemed to be squeezed by his lips. Dana felled that the man was trying to consider her. She wanted to know who was in front of her. Laughter broke out an air after a few minutes of silence. It was that one that was in the hallway. Sounds loud for her ears:

– Ahha, it’s hard for you to see me because of my dark skin. And you’re beautiful. But only outside, because you are ugly inside. Want a cigarette?

Goosebumps ran through the skin. But it was not out of fear, the girl understood, but because he was right. Then she agreed to take a cigarette. She just whispered, «I want to.» He removed his hand from her shoulder and fire the light. The face of the man became visible for a moment. It was a maimed face. Dark, covered with scars and black spots. The lights faded. The edge of the cigarette touched her lips. It looks like her mouth has unwittingly opened up in surprise. She squeezed cigarettea stronger, but did not smoke it immediately. There was one phrase in her head that was whispered:

– Ugly outside, but what is inside?

She was smoking while she said that. It was even something pleasant. She just pinched the cigarette with two fingers and began to slowly taste it. The saliva became sweet, the mouth became tender. It was a strange feeling.

Darkness only disturbed Dana. Her bright face could be seen as a silhouette. The man watched her every modest and shy action. He took a puff and answered the question in one word:

– Empty.

They continued to stand side by side, watching the pink smoldering points of their cigarettes only.

Dana: I’m empty now, too. What’s my ugliness then?

Man: My emptiness is in freedom, but yours hides the pain. That pain hid love from you.

He pronounced word after word slowly and confidently, so it seemed that the man was indifferent. But now it becomes clear that he is calm. It’s some kind of harmony. He continued to ask questions in the same tone, bringing Dana out of a state of doubt:

– Find a place where love is hidden. What does it look like?

Dana thought a little and whispered again:

– I don’t know.

Man: Love is always with us. We hide it and we open it.

Dana was illuminated by these words and said:

– I think that the place inside me is as dark as here. And my love can be seen with a small pink point, which can neither illuminate this darkness, nor dispel it, nor break through it.

Man: I love being in the dark. You are left alone with your fears in it. When you merge with the darkness, you feel empty. Because there are no fears. That’s how I become free. That’s how the pain goes.

Dana: Sounds so simple. If you could just be free.

The bassist’s laughter was heard again. But now it even makes fun of the girl. It was such a chest’s laughter that charged positive. It was interestingly that each time he broke off his laughter abruptly he became unflappable. It was looked like an actor’s playing. Dane liked it and even attracted it. Each time the tone of indifference became more clear and more pleasant, as it seemed to her. There was something familiar in it.

The pink point in front of the girl moved smoothly downwards. The man picked up a cigarette and talk again:

– The past should be left completely. Any attempt to forget, to change and to run away is a genuine desire to bring it back. But there is no any past, it cannot be so. Otherwise, the natural course of events will be disrupted. The past has no place in the future. It’s not real. And the more you reach for it, the more it slips away. Even if you can get him back a little bit. Remember, that’s not true. This illusion is doomed to failure. Something that must die – will die anyway.

Dana exhales smoke:

– So, the only way out is death?

Man: Yes. And now you’re dying.

Dana expected to hear again the rolling laughter, still hoping it was a joke. After that, she wanted to laugh, but her mouth was pulled. It was so tart and dry inside her throat. She feelt weaker and weaker with each exhalation. It was as if it was not the air and smoke coming out of her lungs, but life in itself. The head became heavy and the body was weightless. Her legs were coughing up. Massive hands picked her up and helped her to lie on the floor. She also saw a pink glowing point in front of her. The stranger froze over her and watched silently. It was getting really dark in her eyes.

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Dana's Phoenix. ArtHouse

Part 1

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