The Path to Yourself

Editor Natalia Shevchenko

Proofreader Alexey Lesnyansky

Cover design by Sofya Miroedova

© Aigerim Dautova, 2024

ISBN 978-5-0062-8074-8

Created with Ridero smart publishing system

Chapter 1

I should’ve washed my hair! Oh God, make me get up in time at least when I have to meet people! There’s no chance to leave work early. I could call in sick – Nah, Paul would give me away. The imbecile is a terrible liar! Rose contoured her lips with a pencil stub, slightly overlining them – just like the makeup artist in the yesterday’s reel.

When Rose got to the party carrying a lemon pie, all the other guests were already there. She entered the brand-new apartment of her rich and successful former classmate, but no one noticed her. Everyone’s attention was locked on one woman who was talking about behind-the-scene stuff of the Cannes Film Festival. The guests were eating up the latest celebrity gossip, including timelines of girlfriends and boyfriends. No one doubted a single word uttered by the storyteller, for she was none other than Dina, a fashion icon and famous blogger. Five million followers on Instagram¹, ten million on TikTok, an ambassador of the biggest brands… The very picture of perfection. Rose didn’t miss a single story, post, or live broadcast by her. She knew Dina’s favorite colors, restaurants, and resorts.

“And then there’s Sara Sampaio in the Zimmermann dress. The orange one, you might’ve seen.” Dina tossed back her black hair.

“The one with feathers? It was Zuhair Murad,” Rose said.

Everyone stared at her.

“Right! Naomi Campbell had a similar one. Was it Zuhair Murad too?”

“Naomi was wearing Valentino. A coral-red feathery dress.” Rose straightened her back.

All the women looked at her again.

“And I even told Leo, ‘They are like twins!’”

The guests laughed.

“Personally, I think that Naomi looked so much better in Chanel. She was a goddess!”

Rose felt the eyes of twenty women on her.

“Yes, she was.”

Rose forgot all about her unwashed hair, Paul, and the reprimand her boss had given her that morning. That was her moment of glory. All those days, weeks, months, and even years she had been scrolling the Instagram feed finally paid off. She and she alone was now talking with Dina herself.

The party was in full swing. The women and their champagne glasses moved to the freshly renovated walk-in. The dressing room with its custom-designed and hand-painted walls, white furniture, and a ridiculously expensive chandelier could justifiably claim to be one of the top pins on Pinterest, at the very least. Neatly organized bags, shoes, and flowy dresses. The proud owner of this paradise who had recently become a partner in a consulting firm humbly asked the guests to help her pick outfits for the new job. The honor to explore the depths of this treasury was quite obviously conferred on Dina. In just a few minutes, the model walked the improvised runway among the rows of severe critics with champagne glassed in their well-manicured hands. Slim pants and a fitted cardigan – the spitting image of Kate Moss in 1990s. But there was a silence instead of applause and looks of bewilderment instead of approving smiles.

“I love it!” Rose cried out. “It’s Jacquemus! Oh, the unbelievable tops and, sure enough, bags. Girls, who else is a fan of their bags? And what about The Row? You have so many pieces by the label! I’m just mad about it! Come on!” Rose was riding the turbulent waves of vanilla-perfect seas.

A black shirt, palazzo pants, gold earrings, hair gathered into a low bun. The outfit by Rose finally broke the silence. Then followed minimalist dresses, gray sweaters, Gucci loafers, and Gianvito Rossi stilettos. The hostess indulged the guests with some old-fashioned outfits to the accompaniment of Rose’s comments. You can find magic even in the most ordinary things: All it takes is making up a story for each outfit and pronouncing the names of famous brands correctly. The room was filled with joy and the air was thick with feminine energy. The failure of a celebrity was overshadowed by the triumph of a mediocre girl. The wine was followed by desserts, and the catwalk by endless girly chatting. At the end of the party, Dina got Rose’s phone number, as healthy pragmatism comes before any minor misunderstandings.

The next morning, Rose was sitting in the passenger seat of a car, going to an event dedicated to the company’s tenth anniversary. The long journey provided her with a ninety-minute engagement in the virtual vanity fair called Instagram. Rose could still vividly see the party of the previous day, and her imagination added details and hopes of her wildest dreams. She was hoping to find at least a hint of praise or even admiration, but the hope was in vain. The application froze and didn’t respond. Rose kept running her index finger on the touchscreen until a callus formed on the fingertip, but Instagram just wouldn’t refresh the feed. The cracked screen of her smartphone kept showing the ad of a sushi bar with heavenly sushi rolls (two for the price of one!). Every imaginable curse rained down on the invisible employees of the city administration who failed to provide the internet connection along the interurban road. At last, Rose threw the phone into the back seat and stared out of the window. Marylin Manson was shrieking at her from the car speakers.

“What if we listen to something else?!” Rose rummaged through transparent CD cases in the glove compartment.

“There’s nothing else there. Nothing much,” Paul said.

“There!” Rose inserted a CD, and the speakers coughed up the voice of 16-year-old Britney Spears.

Rose was barely able to hold back her laughter, but she did her best. She knew that otherwise, there was a great chance they’d be listening to Manson’s screams the rest of the way. Britney was singing non-stop, tirelessly and stubbornly. All the other CDs turned out to have Britney too: Britney feat. Madonna, Britney remixes, Britney Spears live from Las Vegas, and what not. By the end of their journey, Rose was just as sick of her as on her wedding day only a month ago. Back then, her colleagues, friends, and parents would hoot with laughter and proposed similar toasts, making sure to touch their plastic cups. By nightfall, each of the guests had finished eating their pieces of the wedding cake from disposable plates and toasted to the newlyweds’ health, happiness, and having many children… at least five times. As luck would have it, the bride had gotten sick to her stomach during the performance by her female friends who had been dancing to Britney’s songs. Too much excitement and fatty Napoleon cake in one day. Rose had tried to wash the stain off the purple dress (the cost of which had not been yet recouped by gift money) while the guests had been applauding the beautiful dancers. When you are almost thirty, logic prevails over emotions. So, you have a fashionably lilac dress instead of a crisp white one, and the wedding party is held in your apartment instead of a restaurant. That’s what Paul thought. He was happy his girlfriend was on board with him and had no idea what things were really like.

For two weeks, his bride-to-be had been wandering through bridal salons and bashfully peering in the windows. Young XS girls would confidently try on all kinds of dresses while their mothers and saleswomen would gasp in amazed delight. Rose was built differently. Her size varied between XL and XXL depending on the sizing chart of a certain brand.

“We don’t have your size!”

“Well, you could preorder a dress, but is a two-month wait.”

“A pantsuit would suit you better!”

That’s what she would hear. Only one lady – in a wig and with bright red lips – managed to revive her dying hope. “There’s something for you. Just like Meghan Markle had!”

Finally, Rose had found herself in a spacious dressing room with a poster of two swans on the wall. It had taken the salon lady about fifteen minutes to fit the soft body of the unrecognized princess in the dress of the Duchess of Sussex. Just a few steps around the hall, and the dress had meanly come apart at the seams, and the beauty had been set free from the shackles.

“Now you must buy it!” the wigged lady had shouted.

“What? What would I do with it? It doesn’t fit and it costs a fortune!”

Rose had managed to get away from the frenzied woman and given up her dream, letting Paul proceed with the arrangement of the solemn occasion himself.

Chapter 2

The old hair curler hissed, singeing the heavy strands. Tight curls flowed over the freckled shoulders, warm against the cool, soft skin. Rose stood in front of her wish visualization map – a bright spot dividing the wallpaper into two parts. Every year, Rose cut out pictures from fashion magazines and adhered them onto a white sheet of paper. They were to give her hope and inspire positive changes for the next twelve months. This time, the paper held pictures of Sofia Richie on her wedding day. The youngest daughter of the famous American singer smiled at her from the photograph. She was the supreme manifestation of everything Rose had ever wanted or dreamed of. And yet, Rose avoided to look at her creation, for fear of facing the promises she had made to herself: To stop being lazy and waste time, to save money on travel, to lose weight. And what is the most important, to find herself. To forge her own path.

The pride-to-be was drawing arrows on her eyes when the morning silence was broken with a distant scream. Her mother burst into the room, and in a matter of seconds, the air rang with her yelling.

“I’m not going anywhere! You call it a wedding?! What am I supposed to say to the kin? To neighbors and other people? What kind of photos am I supposed to show them? Couldn’t you find a better man? This one is a broke-ass, good-for-nothing mouth breather! And you are a fool of a woman!”

For the whole year before that, the very same mother had been demanding that her daughter get married as soon as possible (the biological clock was ticking!). She’d kept saying that she was desperately in need of grandchildren and repeated dozens of similar nonsensical things. The freshly drawn arrows ran down Rose’s face. The preparations were accompanied by the mother’s reproaches that stopped only at the entrance to the registry office where the unsuspecting groom was waiting with a bouquet of lilies in his hands. He was surrounded by friends and their mutual coworkers, equipped with cameras, flowers, and balloons. A pathetic speech by the registrar, and the newly wedded couple went down the state-property stairs and into a big life.

Another mother was waiting for them at home, having missed her son’s marriage registration for a very good reason. Pies. A lot of pies – with meat and vegetables, sweet and spicy, big and small, with and without braided crusts. The heavenly-smelling, melt-in-the-mouth culinary masterpieces crowded the entire apartment, taking up all the dishes, all the tables, and a single windowsill. The baking had been underway since last night and the pies had taken half the morning to decorate. The rest of the day had been dedicated to chicken and fish dishes, all kinds of salads, and pickled mushrooms. Oh, especially the mushrooms! Everything was handmade, not a single appetizer bought. That would be a shame! What would the guests say?!

In charge of the speeches was the head of the sales department who had actually rented out this very apartment to the couple only a couple of weeks ago. Before that, it had been rented by an office manager who managed to run away from a sixth-month debt, taking with her the TV set and the landlord’s faith in women.

“I still remember, as if it was yesterday, the day eight years ago when a young university graduate answered our job advertisement,” the chief accountant began. Just a casual mention: She had been working in the company for only six years. “I took her under my wing straight away! Today this little bird is getting married! And who is she getting married to? Another fully-fledged specialist of our company. Good for you! Our small but close-knit team has become even stronger! Be happy!” With the last words, tears welled up in her eyes, smudging the heavy mascara.

Paul and Rose had been indeed working together in a nuts-and-chips distribution company for eight years. Over this time, the office had expended by two more rooms, one warehouse, and six employees. The team members loved to say, “We are a family”. They also loved to poke their noses into personal, sometimes even intimate details of their colleagues’ lives. Frequent tea parties in the kitchen, Labor Day celebrations, and visits to local pubs somehow deepened the concept of family. In a family, there should be no secrets. Each piece of news was laid open for everyone’s inspection to meet with universal approval or condemnation. A gentle affection that had developed between the IT administrator and the delivery service operator quickly dominated all the informal conversations in the office. The women demanded that Paul marry Rose immediately and threatened him with all kinds of negative consequences. The men held the fort, silently. The defenses were broken in the spring. After another get-together in a pub, where everyone was teasing them and calling them lovebirds, Paul finally proposed. The proposal sounded somewhat like this: “Maybe we should marry after all. Why not?”

Rose was relieved. At last, they wouldn’t bother her anymore.

Chapter 3

“Hi there. Starbucks at the Gallery, tomorrow 10 a.m. Does it work for you? Dina.”

Rose read the message again. Then again. And again. Restarted the phone, but the message was still there. She thumbed, her hands shaking:

“I am so pleased to get a message from you! Of course, I’ll come.” Erased.

“You must have called the wrong number.” Erased.

“I can’t, I have work to do.” Erased.

“Maybe later, in the evening?” Erased.

“Yes, it does!” Sent.

The next morning, Rose was fifteen minutes late. She walked sideways into the coffee shop, picking at a hangnail on her thumb.

“Are you always late?” Dina asked without greeting her.

“I’m not. I’m sorry, the taxi got stuck in traffic and then the engine gave out. And besides – » Rose said even though it was a lie. She was about to burst into tears.

“I got you a latte. It was a wild guess.” Dina smiled, scanning her.

“Thanks. I love lattes.” Rose sat down on the edge of the chair and grabbed the paper cup with both hands.

“I shall be honest with you. I’m looking for someone nice. Loyal. Smart. Hardworking. Someone with an eye for all these fashion trends. Someone who can tell Balmain from Bottega Venetta. And a couple more things. I want you to become my assistant.” Dina fell silent.

Rose did not say a word.

“The pay is decent, no worries. Business trips at my expense. Milan, Paris, Tokyo. We – I have customers from all over the world. Benefits. Nice working hours. What else do they usually have in the package?”

What is she doing? Is she talking me into working for her? Rose stirred the tepid coffee with a stick, too afraid to look up. What if she does, and Dina is not here?

“So, what do you think?”

“Are you serious?”

“About the hours? I definitely am! Why?”

“No, about me. Me, Rose. Do you want to hire me?”

“I do”. Dina looked at her intently, as if trying to read her thoughts. “You will love it. You’ll meet so many celebs. Come on!”

“I don’t know, this is so unexpected – ”

“Well?!”

“I’m… Alright.” Rose did not take her eyes off the coffee, almost drowning in it.

“That’s great! See you tomorrow.” Dina disappeared, leaving behind a fragrance trail and an empty cup.

That night, Rose wandered about the apartment, devouring everything she could get her hands on. Some cheese, cookies, jam, leftover pizza. There was a repeating loop of thoughts in her mind: She would be laughed at, frowned upon, talked about. Leaving a stable job for an Instagram girl’s assistant. Had she lost her mind? She kept making excuses, trying to please everyone who’d be in doubt. Rose finished the last éclair in the fridge and did what she knew best. She called in sick so as not to appear in the office for a week.

She got out of the smoky taxi cab and pressed the bell push. The heavy door immediately opened. Déjà vu. A marble table, fashion magazines, flower vase, light-colored walls with abstract paintings on them. Rose had seen it all hundreds, if not thousands of times on her phone’s screen. Dina recorded Instagram stories every day, in this very interior. A familiar voice came from the kitchen. The woman that voice belonged to was rebuking her housemaid for something. Then she quickly walked into the living room, sat opposite Rose, and opened her daily planner. Unknown places, people, names. There was a flood of information, and Rose struggled to keep up with it and to maintain her composure.

“Any questions?”

“Yes!”

But Dina didn’t listen to her. She silently disappeared with a heap of papers in her hands.

Rose tried to decipher what she had just written, but her eyes were blurred with tears. With her body shaking, she slid onto the floor. She lay curled up in the fetal position and wept, ignoring the terrified housemaid who was buzzing about her with a towel. Someone made her drink an entire teapot of some herbal infusion, sweet and lukewarm; it had a soporific effect. And then, there was finally silence.

“Still breathing?” A woman’s voice echoed throughout the room.

Rose looked up and met someone’s intent gaze.

“Where am I?”

“At work, as far as I understand.”

The blue eyes moved away, and Rose was able to make out a young girl with a full head of blonde hair.

“I’m so sorry. I – I didn’t mean to – ”

“I bet. No one would want to screw up on the first day.” The girl was looking directly in Rose’s eyes.

Rose shivered. She got up from the sofa and headed towards the door. On her way out, she saw her planner lying on the stranger’s lap. The girl held her hand possessively on the open pages.

“The restroom is on your left!” the blonde girl shouted after her.

“Oh no, I just – ”

“Wanted to leave?”

“No, why would I?”

“Umph – ”

“Could I?”

“You can do anything.”

“I’d just like some water.”

“Aunt Sally, bring some water!”

“Thank you.”

“It’s Monday.”

“Pardon?”

“There are tons of tasks on Monday. I can help you. If you want, of course.”

The girl handed the planner over to its rightful owner.

Rose nodded and sat back down.

They spent the whole day driving around various joints, markets, and shabby offices. The glamorous star turned out to be the owner of a cheap restaurant chain and commodity stores. Poverty-stricken parts of the city, back-breaking labor, and unpresentable public provided money for the beautiful life everyone saw on Instagram. Behind every Chanel bag or Celine dress there was day-to-day work with suppliers, staff, and consumers. Dina worked like crazy. With her sleeves rolled up high, she had her finger on the pulse of a huge enterprise.

What she showed on social networks was another part of her personality. This life consisted of five-star hotels and fancy boutiques, endless shopping, impressive parties with expensive champagne and beautiful people. There was no room for any flaws, sadness, or failure. The two parallel realities were completely separate and could never intersect, but they both had the same goal – money. Dina used every opportunity to increase her income, tirelessly adapting to the demands of the great Kingdom of Consumption. Ella – that was the blonde girl’s name – had once been a part of both worlds, a faithful assistant, a companion, but something forced her to leave and fall off the radar for a long time. Today she returned, albeit secretly. No questions asked, Rose followed the girl everywhere and tried to retain at least something in her memory.

“Do you need a ride?” Ella was scribbling in Rose’s planner, adding new tasks and crossing out what had already been done.

“It would be nice, thank you! And thanks for the help!”

“Get enough sleep. There’ll be even more to do tomorrow. I’ll pick you up at ten.”

“Even more? Is it always like this?”

“What the hell did you expect? An endless extravaganza? You’d better get used to it, sis.”

That last block before her house, Rose decided to go on foot. She was rehearsing her speech for Paul, counting the pros on her fingers, finding excuses for cons. The air in the corridor was close and heavy with the smell of pizza and beer. The sofa creaked – must’ve been an old spring – and then came a lazy shuffle of footsteps. It was approaching the deceptress who was ready to come clean.

“Where have you been?” Paul was holding an unfinished beer can.

“I’ve got a new job.” Rose didn’t look him in the eyes and refused to approach him, as if he was no husband of hers but a scalding hot pan.

“Are you kidding?”

“No. They pay almost twice as much.” Rose pulled out her trump card which was the only trump card up her sleeve so far.

“What’s the company? And position?” A shadow passed over Paul’s face.

“I’ll be an assistant to a famous blogger. Her name’s Dina. You’ve probably heard of her.”

Pause.

“Are you mad? Running errands for an Internet whore?”

“She’s not… She owns a restaurant chain and a chain of stores, she’s a serious businesswoman. This is a great opportunity!”

“Why on Earth do you need it?”

“I can travel with her – to Europe, or Japan, or the US, anywhere! There’s insurance, social benefits, overtime paycheck… Everything is paid for. We do need some money, after all. That’s why.”

“You’ve never even left the city, and now you want to see half the world at once! Isn’t it a bit too much? Besides, what kind of fool would pay for all this? She’s lying!”

“How can you be so sure?”

“It’s just too good to be true. She’s gonna kick you out or set you up. And in the office, they’ll quickly find a replacement. You will lose your job, mind you.”

“Dina is a business owner. You should see the scale! Why would she want to set me up?”

“Why? Because there are no miracles! One cannot just get paid handsomely for nothing!”

For the second time that day, Rose cried on the cold bathroom floor. Alone, without any support or a cup of warm tea. Her inner voice got louder and louder until, by midnight, it burst into a scream. Torn into a thousand pieces, she made a choice.