CHAPTER XXVI
ALICE VISITS HANEY
Alice Heath was dying of something far subtler than "the White Death," to which Haney so often referred. Tortured by Ben's studied tenderness when at her side, she suffered doubly when he was away, knowing all too well that his keenest pleasure now lay in Bertha's companionship. Her doubt darkened into despair. In certain moments of exaltation she rose to such heights of impersonal passion as to acknowledge fully, generously, the claims of youth and health – admitting that she and Marshall Haney were the offenders and not the young lovers, whose desire for happiness was but an irresistible manifestation of the mystic force which binds the generations together.
"Why do we not quietly take ourselves off and make them happy?" she asked herself. "Of what selfish quality is our love? Here am I only a spiteful, hopeless invalid – I hate myself, I despise my body and everything I am. I loathe my wrinkled face, my shrivelled hands, my flat chest. I am fit only to be bride to death. I'm tired of the world – tired of everything – and yet I do not die. Why can't I die?"
These moods never soared high enough (or sank quite low enough) to permit the final severing stroke, and she ended each of them in a flood of tears, filled with ever-greater longing for the beautiful young lover whose heart had wandered away from her. It was hard not to welcome him when he came, but infinitely harder to send him away, for life held no other solace, the day no other aim.
In her saner moments she was aware of her own misdemeanor. She knew that her morbid questioning, her ceaseless grievings were wearing away her vital force, and that no doctor could ever again medicine her to sweet sleep, that no wind or cloud would bring coolness to her burning brain. "I am no longer worthy of any man's love," she admitted to her higher self.
She did not question Ben's honor – he was of those who keep faith. "He has no hope of ever being other than the distant lover of Bertha Haney, and he is ready to fulfil his word to me, but I will not permit him to bind himself to me. It would be a crime to lay upon him the burden of a wife old before her time, sterile and doomed to a slow decline." She revolted, too, at the thought of having a husband, whose heart was elsewhere, whose restless desire could not be held within the circuit of his wife's arms – and yet she could not give him up.
As her flesh lost its weight and her blood its warmth, her mind burned with even more mysterious brightness, sending out rays of such perilous sublimation that she was able to perceive, as no earthly inhabitant should do, the jealously guarded secrets of those surrounding her, and on the night of Bertha's struggle against her fate she divined in some supersensuous way the tumult in the young wife's mind.
She laughed at first with a cruel, bitter delight, but at last her nobler self conquered and she resolved to have private speech with Haney. She perceived a danger in the ever-deepening passion of the young lovers. She began to fear that their love might soon break over all barriers, and this she was still sane enough of thought and generous enough of soul to wish to prevent.
Her decision to act was hastened by a slurring paragraph in the morning paper wherein veiled allusion was made to "a developing scandal." She lay abed all the forenoon brooding over it, and when she rose it was to dress for her visit to Haney. Sick as she was and almost hysterical with her mood, she ordered a carriage and drove to the gambler's house, hoping to find him alone, determined upon an interview.
It chanced that he was sitting in his place upon the porch watching the gardener spraying a tree. He greeted his visitor most cordially, inviting her to a seat. "Bertie is down town, but she'll be back soon."
"I'm glad she is away, Captain Haney, for I have something to say to you alone."
"Have you, indeed? Very well, I've nothing to do but listen – 'tis not for me to boss the gardener."
She looked about with uneasy eyes, finding it very difficult to begin her attack. "How much you've improved the place," she remarked, irrelevantly, her voice betraying the deepest agitation.
He looked at her white face in astonishment. "How are ye, the day, miss?"
"I'm better, thank you, but a little out of breath – I walked too fast, I think."
"Does the altitude make your heart jump, too?" he asked, solicitously.
"No, my trouble is all in my mind – I mean my lungs," she answered. Then, with a ghastly attempt at sprightliness, she added: "Now let's have a nice long talk about symptoms – it's so comforting. How are you feeling these days?"
Haney answered with unwonted dejection. "I'm not so well to-day, worse luck. This is me day for thinkin' the doctors are right. They all agree that me heart's overworked up here." His dejection was really due to Bertha's moody silence.
"I'm sorry to hear that. Do they think you may live safely at sea-level?"
"They say so. Me own feeling is that the climate is not to blame. 'Tis age. I'm like a hollow-hearted tree, ready to fall with the first puff of ill wind. I've never been a man since that devil blew me to pieces."
She put her right hand upon his arm. "Is it not a shame that you and I should stand in the way of two fine, wholesome, young people – shutting them off from happiness?"
He turned a glance upon her quite too penetrating to be borne. "You mane – what? – who?"
"I mean Bertha."
"Do I stand in the way of her happiness?"
She met the question squarely, speaking with tense, drawn lips. "Yes, just as I do in Ben's way. We're neither of us fit to be married, and they are."
His eyes wavered. "That's true. I'm no mate for her – and yet I think I've made her happy." He was silent a moment, then faltered: "Ye lay your hand on a sore spot – ye do, surely. 'Tis true I've tried to have the money make up for me other shortcomings." He ended almost humbly.
"Money can do much, but it can't buy happiness."
"That's true, too – but 'tis able to buy comfort, and that's next door to happiness in the long-run, I'm thinkin'. But I'm watchin' her, and I don't intend to stand in her way, miss. I've told her so, and when the conquering lad comes along I mane to get out of the road."
"Have you said that?" Her face reached towards his with sudden intensity, and a snakelike brilliancy glittered in her eyes. "You've gone as far as that?"
"I have."
"Then act, for the time has come to make your promise good. Bertha already loves a man as every girl should love who marries happily, and the gossips are even now busy with her name."
He was hard hit, and slowly said: "I don't believe it! Who is the man? – tell me!" He demanded this in a tone that was not to be denied.
She delivered her sentence quickly. "She loves Ben. Haven't you seen it? She has loved him from their first meeting. I have known it for a long time, almost from the first; now everybody knows it, and the society reporters are beginning their innuendoes. The next thing will be her picture in the sensational press, and a scandal. Don't you know this? It must not happen! We must make way for them – you and I. We cumber the path."
He sank back into his seat and studied her from beneath his overhanging eyebrows as intently, as alertly, as silently as he was wont to do when watching the faces of his opponents in a game of high hazard. There was something uncanny, almost elfish, in the woman's voice and eyes, and yet even before her words were fully uttered the truth stood revealed to him. His eyes lost their stern glare, his hands, which had clutched the arms of his chair, relaxed. "Are you sure?" he asked again, but more gently. "You've got to be sure," he ended, almost in menace.
"You may trust a jealous woman," she answered. "I don't blame them – observe that. We are the ones to blame – we who are crippled and in the way, and it is our duty to take ourselves off. What is the use of spoiling their lives just for a few years of selfish gratification of our own miserable selves?"
He felt about for comfort. "They are young; they can wait," he stammered, huskily.
"But they won't wait!" she replied. "Love like theirs can't wait. Don't you understand? They are in danger of forgetting themselves? Can't you see it? Ben talks of nothing else, dreams of nothing else but her, and she is fighting temptation every day, and shows it. It's all so plain to me that I can't bear to see them together. They have loved each other from the very first night they met – I felt it that day we first rode together. I've watched her grow into Ben's life till she absorbs his every thought. He's a good boy, and I want to keep him so. He respects your claim, and he is trying to be loyal to me, but he can't hold out. I am ready to sacrifice myself, but that would not save him. He loves your wife, and until you free her he is in danger of wronging her and himself and you. I've given up. There is nothing more on this earth for me! What do you expect to gain by holding to a wife's garment when she – the woman – is gone?"
The wildness in her eyes and voice profoundly affected Haney, who was without subtlety in affairs of the heart. The women he had known had been mainly coarse-fibred or of brutish directness of passion and purpose, and this woman's words and tone at once confused and appalled him. All she said of his unworthiness as a husband was true. He had gone to Sibley at first to win Bertha at less cost than making her his wife – but of that he had repented, and on his death-bed (as he thought) he had sought to endow her with his gold. Since then he had lived, but only as half a man. Up to this moment he had hoped to regain his health, but now every hope died within him.
Part of this he admitted at once, but he ended brokenly: "'Tis a hard task you set for me. She's the vein of me bosom. 'Tis easy talkin', but the doin' is like takin' y'r heart in your two hands and throwin' it away. I knew she liked the lad – I had no doubt the lad liked her – but I did not believe she'd go to him so. I can't believe it yet – but I will not stand in her way. As I told her, I did not expect to tie her to an old hulk; I thought I was dying when I married her, and I only had the ceremony then to make sure that me money should feed her and protect her from the storms of the world. I wanted to take her out of a hole where she was sore pressed, and I wanted to make her people comfortable. I've brought her to this house. Me money has always been to her hand. It rejoices me to see her spend it, and I've been hoping that these things – me money – would make up for me poor, old, crippled body. I've been a rough man. I lived as men who have no ties have always lived – till I met her, then I quit the game. I put aside everything that could make her ashamed. I'm no toad, miss – I know she has that in her soul that can take her out of my level. Were I twenty years younger and a well man I could folly her – but 'tis no use debating now. I'll talk with her this night – " He paused abruptly and turned upon her with piercing inquiry: "Have you discussed this with Ben?"
She was beginning to tremble in face of the storm which she foresaw looming before her. "No – I lacked the courage."
A faintly bitter smile stirred his upper lip. "Shall I tell him what you have said to me?"
"No, no!" she exclaimed, in sudden affright, "I will tell him."
"Be sure ye do. As for these editors, I have me own way of dealing with them. I will soon know whether you are right or wrong. Ye're a sick woman, and such, they say, have queer fancies. You admit you're jealous, and I've heard that jealous women are built of hell-fire and vitriol. Anyhow, you've not shaken me faith in me girl – but ye have in Ben, for I know the heart of man. We're all alike when it comes to the question of women."
"Please don't misunderstand me – it is to keep them both what they are, good and true, that I come to you – we must not tempt them to evil."
"I understand what you say, miss, and I think you're honest, but you may be mistaken. I saw her meet-up with fine young fellies in the East; I could see they admired her – but she turned them down easily. She's no weak-minded chippy, as I know on me own account – the more shame to me."
"Of course she turns others down, for the reason that Ben fills her heart." She began to weary of her self-imposed task.
He, too, was tired. "We'll see, we'll see," he repeated musingly, and gazed away towards the cloud-enshrouded peaks in sombre silence – the lines of his lips as sorrowful as those of an old lion dying in the desert, arrow-smitten and alone. He had forgotten the hand that pierced his heart.
Thus dismissed, she rose, her eyes burning like deep opals in the parchment setting of her skin.
"Life is so cruel!" she said. "I have wished a thousand times that love had never come to me. Love means only sorrow at the end. Ben has been my life, my only interest – and now – as he begins to forget – Oh, I can't bear it! It will kill me!" She sank back into her chair, and, burying her face, sobbed with such passion that her slight frame shook in the tempest of it.
Haney turned and looked at her in silence – profoundly stirred to pity by her sobs, no longer doubting the reality of her despair. When he spoke his voice was brokenly sweet and very tender.
"'Tis a bitter world, miss, and me heart bleeds for such as you. 'Tis well ye have a hope of paradise, for, if all you say is true, ye must go from this world cheated and hungry like meself. Ye have one comfort that I have not – 'tis not your own doing. Ye've not misspent your life as I have done. What does it all show but that life is a game where each man, good or bad, takes his chance. The cards fall against you and against me without care of what we are. I can only say I take me chances as I take the rain and the sun."
Her paroxysm passed and she rose again, drawing her veil closely over her face. "Good-bye. We will never meet again."
"Don't say that," he said, struggling painfully to his feet. "Never is a long time, and good-bye a cruel, sad word to say. Let's call it 'so long' and better luck."
"You are not angry with me?" she turned to ask.
"Not at all, miss – I thank ye fer opening me eyes to me selfishness."
"Good-bye."
"So long! And may ye have better luck in the new deal, miss."
As she turned at the gate she saw him standing as she had left him, his brow white and sad and stern, his shoulders drooping as if his strength and love of life had suddenly been withdrawn.
While still in this mood she sent word to Ben that she wished to see him at once, and he responded without delay.
He was appalled by the change in her. Her interview with Haney had profoundly weakened her, chilled her. She was like some exquisite lamp whose golden flame had grown suddenly dim, and Fordyce was filled with instant, remorseful tenderness. His sense of duty sprang to arms, and without waiting for her to begin he said: "I hate to think of you as a pensioner in this house. You should be in your own home – our home – where I could take care of you. Come, let me take you out of this private hospital – that's what it is."
She struggled piteously to assure him that she would be back to par in a few days, but he was thoroughly alarmed and refused to listen to further delay.
"Your surroundings are bad, you need a change."
She read him to the soul, knew that this argument sprang not from love, but from pity and self-accusation; therefore, forcing a light tone, she answered: "I don't feel able to take command of a cook and second girl just yet, Bennie dear; besides, you're all wrong about this being a bad atmosphere for me. I'm horribly comfortable here, my own sister couldn't be kinder than Julia is. No, no, wait a few months longer till you get settled a little more securely in business; I may pick up a volt or two more of electricity by that time." Then as she saw his face darken and a tremor run over his flesh, she lost her self-control and broke forth with sudden, bitter intensity: "Why don't you throw me over and marry some nice girl with a healthy body and sane mind? Why cheat yourself and me?"
He recoiled before her question, too amazed to do more than exclaim against her going on.
She was not to be checked. "Let us be honest with ourselves. You know perfectly well I'm never going to get better – I do, if you don't. I may linger on in this way for years, but I will never be anything but a querulous invalid. Now that's the bitter truth. You mustn't marry me – I won't let you!" Then her mood changed. "And yet it's so hard to go on alone – even for a little way."
Her eyes closed on her hot tears, her head drooped, and Ben, putting his arm about her neck and pressing her quivering face against his breast, reproached her very tenderly: "I won't let you say such things, dearest – you must not! You're not yourself to-day."
"Oh yes, I am! My mind is very clear, too horribly clear. Ben dear, I mean all I say – you shall not link yourself to me. I have no delusions now. I'll never be well again – and you must know it."
"Oh yes, you will! Don't give up! You're only tired to-day. You're really much better than you were last week."
"No, I'm not! Let us not deceive ourselves any longer. The change of climate has not done me good. We waited too long. It has all been a mistake. Let me go back to Chester – I'm afraid to die out here. I can't bear the thought of being buried in this soil. It's so bleak and lonely and alien. I want to go back to the sweet, kindly hills – perhaps I can reconcile myself to death there – to sink into the earth on this plain is too dreadful."
He struggled against the weight of her sorrowful pleadings. "This is only a mood, dearest; you are over-tired and things look black to you – I have such days – everybody has these hours of depression, but we must fight them. It would be so much better for us both if I were your husband, then I could be with you and watch over you every hour. I could help you fight these dismal moods. It would be my hourly care. Come, let's go out and seriously set to work to find a cottage."
She was silenced for the moment, but when he had finished his counter-plea she looked up at him with deep-set glance and quietly said: "Ben, it's all wrong. It was wrong from the very beginning. You are lashing yourself into uttering these beautiful words, and you do not realize what you are saying. I am too old for you – Now listen – it's true! I'm twenty years older in spirit. I haven't been really well for ten years. You talk of fighting this. Haven't I fought? I've danced when I should have been in bed. I've had a premonition of early decay for years – that's why I've been so reckless of my strength. I couldn't bear to let my youth pass dully – and now it's gone! Wait! – I've deceived you in other ways. I've been full of black thoughts, I've been jealous and selfish all along. You deserve the loveliest girl in the world, and it is a cruel shame for me to stand in the way of your happiness just to have you light my darkness for a few hours. I know what you want to say – you think you can be happy with me. Ben, it's only your foolish sense of honor that keeps you loyal to me – I don't want that – I won't have it! Take back your pledge." She pushed away from him and twisted a ring from her finger. "Take this, dear boy, you are absolutely free. Go and be happy."
He drew back from her hand in pain and bewilderment. "Alice, you are crazy to say such things to me." He studied her with suffering in his eyes. "You are delirious. I am going to send the doctor to you at once."
"No, I'm not delirious. I know only too well what I'm saying – I have made my decision. I will never wear this ring again." She turned his words against himself. "You must not marry a crazy woman."
"I didn't mean that – you know what I meant. All you say is morbid and unreasonable, and I will not listen to it. You are clouded by some sick fancy to-day, and I will go away and send a physician to cure you of your madness."
She thrust the ring into his hand and rose, her face tense, her eyes wonderfully big and luminous. She seemed at the moment to renew her health and to recover the imperious grace of her radiant youth as she exaltedly said: "Now I am free! You must ask me all over again – and when you do, I will say no."
He sat looking up at her, too bewildered, too much alarmed to find words for reply. He really thought that she had gone suddenly mad – and yet all that she said was frightfully reasonable. In his heart he knew that she was uttering the truth. Their marriage was now impossible – a bridal veil over that face was horrifying to think upon.
She went on: "Now run away – I'm going to cry in a moment and I don't want you to see me do it. Please go!"
He rose stiffly, and when he spoke his voice was quivering with anxiety. "I am going to send Julia to you instantly."
"No, you're not. I won't see her if you do. She can't help me – nobody can, but you – and I won't let you even see me any more. I'm going home to Chester to-morrow; so kiss me good-bye – and go."
He kissed her and went blindly out, their engagement ring tightly clinched in his hand. It seemed as if a wide, cold, gray cloud had (for the first time) entirely covered his sunny, youthful world.