Loe raamatut: «Dilemma»

JON CLEARY

Dilemma

Dedication

For Natascia and Vanessa

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Dedication

Part One

Chapter One

Part Two

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Part Three

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Keep Reading

About the Author

Also by the Author

Copyright

About the Publisher

Part One

March 1994

Chapter One

1

Malone pulled up his car in the Erskineville street where he had been born, got out and waited for the memories to flood back. He had been doing this for the past six months, but now the memories were only a trickle; drought, the bane of farmers and sentimentalists, had set in. One side of the street had lost its row of workmen’s cottages; they had been replaced by a row of town houses or, as the estate agents now called them, villas. On the side where Malone stood, his side, the terrace houses had been gentrified. All had been painted: pale cream but with different-coloured doors: red, yellow, blue, green; all with ornate knockers, like suddenly proclaimed coats of arms. Some of the narrow verandahs that opened right on to the pavement had planter boxes behind their painted iron railings. All of them had security grilles on the windows; some had security doors. Only on the very end of the terrace was the rebel, the memory anchor.

Painted cream like the others, yes; but the door was brown, the plain knocker was black, there was no security grille. A youth had broken into the house a couple of years ago and Con Malone had met him with one of Malone’s old cricket bats and beaten him senseless. The kid had wanted to charge Con with assault and the two young cops who had been called by Brigid Malone had had to hold Con back from assaulting him further.

Con Malone was sitting on a kitchen chair on the verandah, soaking up the hour’s sun that the front of the house managed. He was reading the morning’s newspaper, a ritual that took him from the front pages, through the obituaries to the sports pages, read in sequence like a book. Malone paused a few steps from the front gate and looked at his father. The old man, like the memories, was fading. The tree-trunk body was thinner and smaller, there was now a hunch to the once-straight back. He suddenly felt an immense affection for his father.

Con looked up as Malone stepped in the front gate. ‘G’day.’

‘G’day. You’re still reading the Herald.’

‘Nothing but bloody opinionated columnists.’

‘The Daily Worker was all opinion.’

‘It was an honest paper, knew what was going on.’ He folded the paper carefully. If he had believed in butlers and could have afforded one, he would have had the butler iron the paper before bringing it to him. He had read that British aristocrats did that, the only thing he admired them for. ‘Bloody country’s going to the dogs.’

The bloody world, which didn’t really interest Con, was going to the dogs. The IRA had just attacked Heathrow airport in London; Bosnia was trying to go back to pre-1914; in the US the Whitewater scandal was overflowing its banks. At home things were slightly better: the economy was breaking into a gallop, condoms were being urged in schools to protect sexually rabid teenagers against HIV. The Chippendales were on tour, always promising but never actually doing the full monty, whatever that was. And down in Canberra, the Prime Minister, as all PMs before him and to come after him, was attacking those who criticized him and his politics. The world spun in monotonous circles.

‘Look at ’em!’ said Con in disgust. Two women had passed by on the other side of the road: Arab women in chadors, though their faces were uncovered. ‘Wogs, slant-eyes … When you were a kid growing up, this street was ours.’

‘Grow up, Dad. That was the nineteenth century. Mum inside?’

‘She’s down at the church. Putting the holy water in the fridge, case it goes off. You know what she’s like. Bloody churches, they’ve gone to the dogs, too. You been away?’

‘Up to Noosa, just Lisa and me.’ He had told his mother and father about the planned trip; but their memories, like themselves, were fading. ‘A second honeymoon, I think they call it.’

‘You’ve been lucky. Both of us, you and me. Mum’n I’ve been happy. Just like you and Lisa. That ain’t common, not these days. I read in this—’ holding up the paper ‘– two blokes married. Blokes! You think they’ll be happy like we been?’

Malone shrugged. ‘They could be.’

‘Bloody poofters. Wogs, slant-eyes – I’m in a foreign country. You back at work?’ Con Malone, then working on the wharves, hadn’t been able to hold his head up when his only child had become a cop. The union had doubled his dues for three months. ‘That last job must of wore you out. Two women poofters killing one of them’s husband.’

‘They’re called lesbians, Dad. Or dykes.’

It was Con’s turn to shrug. ‘Who cares? The cases get you down sometimes?’

‘Sometimes.’

‘What d’you do then? Hand ’em on to someone else?’

‘It doesn’t work like that. Not like on the wharves.’ He grinned when he said it; he’d better or his father would be on his feet, two fists up. The wharves had been Con’s parish, the union his religion.

‘So you’ve never walked away from a case?’

‘Not so far. But …’

‘Here comes Mum. Pious as hell. She’s just been talking to God or the Pope.’

Brigid Malone smiled as she approached, but she didn’t put out her hand or turn her cheek to be kissed. She kept that sort of affection for her grandchildren; she too belonged to the nineteenth century. A long while ago she had been a handsome woman, maybe even close to a beauty; but that, too, somehow seemed as distant as the nineteenth century. Like Con, she had shrunk over the past six months. Lately she had begun to talk of Ireland, of her girlhood: but only to her grandchildren. To talk like that to Scobie, her son, would be too difficult. With him she was still trapped in the tight corset of her earlier feelings. She loved him, he knew that, but if she shed tears for him he had never seen them.

‘How are Lisa and the children?’

‘Fine. How’s the Pope?’

‘I’ll ask him next time he writes. You coming in for a cuppa tea? I’ve made some scones.’

‘Date scones?’

‘What else?’

He followed them into the house. The safe house, where they had protected him as securely as he tried to do with his own children. Where crime, when it entered, could be handled with the simple logic of a cricket bat.

2

Ron Glaze had gone to the house, their house, but she had not been there. It was a Housing Commission home, built in the 1960s, improved by the garden he had built around it. Brick veneer, tiled roof, three bedrooms, one bathroom, living and dining rooms combined; three years ago, when things had been going well for them and between them, they had taken out a mortgage and bought it. They had grown up in this area, they were both Westies, and they had felt comfortable with it as a starting point. They occasionally dreamed of a house in one of the seaside suburbs, on a northern beach, say Collaroy or Narrabeen; but that was for the future, when they would have more money, even have kids. The future that had never come within coo-ee of them.

The light had been on in the hallway and he had pressed the doorbell. There had been no answer and after the second ringing of the bell he had taken out his key and let himself in. He had kept the key in his pocket, prepared to let her ask him in, not just barge in as if he owned the place. Which he still did – or anyway, half of it.

She had not been there. He had gone slowly through the house, as if looking for reminders of her and himself. He had been gone three months, but now it seemed like only yesterday. He was not a reader, but somewhere he had read a proverb or something: What was hard to bear was sweet to remember. Wrong: like so many proverbs. The last fight with her, when she had thrown him out of the house, had been hard to bear; there was no sweetness in remembering it. That fight had been right here, in the kitchen. He had been standing there, in his hand a Coke that he had taken from the fridge. He had looked around, then put down the Coke and walked out of the kitchen quickly, as if she were chasing him again, throwing things at him. He had walked into the bedroom, their passion pit, and lain down on the bed, his side, put his hands behind his head and stared at the ceiling, wondering if the effort to reconcile with her was going to be worthwhile.

He was of medium height, with thinning blond hair (a major worry) and a round cheerful face that hovered, like an image in water, between good-looking and plain, depending on the light. What appealed to women was his smile, wide and white. But he was not smiling now. He tried to remember the passion here in this bed, but it was just cold ashes. The gap between them had been growing over the past year; he had seen it widening and been unable to stop it. Maybe it had been his fault (the women) or maybe it had been hers (the ambition). He was not a chauvinist (so he thought), but women undoubtedly didn’t understand men. But he would not tell her that, not tonight.

He had lain there for almost an hour, waiting for her to come home. But she hadn’t, and then he had got up and gone looking for her, knowing for certain where he would find her.

They had been members for ten years of the Golden West Club; it was there they had met. It had been one of the first of the clubs that had sprouted in the western suburbs and it had grown and grown. It now had 60,000 members, all of whom, fortunately, did not attend on the same night; it had 1000 poker machines, all of which were genuflected to by the congregation each night. It had four restaurants and put on floor shows almost every night. It could afford overseas performers: Tom Jones had done his best to dislocate his hips here and John Denver had sung songs of places far away from the flat plain of the western suburbs. The Chippendales had performed here on Ladies Night Only; orgasms had erupted like an epidemic of wind. The women went home and sexually attacked their husbands. Those lucky men, more K-Mart than Chippendale, hadn’t been able to believe their luck.

Now they were sitting at a table in the club, as stiff with each other as on a first date.

‘Ron, it’s no use. It’s all over. Finished. What was it you used to say about the politicians and the union officials, you used to laugh about? At this point in time. That’s it, Ron. At this point in time it’s all over.’

Norma Glaze was thirty-one, a year younger than her husband. She had been a hairdresser ever since she had left school; even doctors did not need the ear and tongue that successful hairdressers had to have. Buzz words and phrases came and went like hairstyles; mode was the latest, but she had heard them all. Her clients picked them up from their husbands and boyfriends, though she could see none of them on a level playing field. Ron, a car salesman, had the tongue but not the ear; the latter was not necessary in the motor trade, he had often told her. At any point in time, on a level playing field or wherever. Talk was action …

‘Don’t you miss the fucking we had?’

‘Don’t start talking dirty, Ron. It’s not gunna get you anywhere.’

‘Okay, okay.’ He had three feet tonight, kept putting the wrong one forward. Selling himself to her had never been easy; maybe that was why he had sold himself so easily to other women. A Holden Caprice with low mileage: that was how he had sold himself and the women had laughed and bought him, if only for a demonstration run. ‘Miss you, hon. Really. Not just the sex bit …’

She looked around, glad they were at an isolated table; she had chosen it and led him to it as soon as he had walked in the door. They were a fair distance from the long bar, but close to the nearest bank of poker machines. Players were at the machines, but their backs were to the Glazes; their eyes, minds, every sense concentrated on the bright faces of the machines. This was Monday night, always a slow night. Two hundred people maximum, she thought, every one of the bastards looking at us out of the corners of their eyes or through the back of their heads. A hairdresser, she knew that gossip hung in the air like legionnaire’s disease.

She was attractive, too heavy in the jaw to be beautiful; she had large dark blue eyes and a mouth enlarged by careful makeup. Her black hair was cut in a bob with a fringe; a ninety-year-old customer had told her she looked like Louise Brooks, whoever the hell she was. She was as tall as Ron, with a good figure that needed careful dieting and two sessions a week at aerobics. All that was exterior: the interior, not even Ron had come close to knowing. Though, to tell the truth, she was not even sure she knew herself.

‘Ron, try and get it through your head—’ She shook her own head; the black hair moved, throwing off lights like a black mirror. The way he had always loved it … ‘We’re incompatible—’

‘Oh, for Crissakes! Jesus, hon, how can you say that?’ He sat back, looked round the huge room as if about to appeal to the gamblers at the poker machines, to the two barmen and the barmaid, to the drinkers at the other tables. But they were all ignoring him; or so it seemed. He looked back at her: ‘Norma, don’t start sounding like a fucking psychiatrist – You’re not going to one, are you?’

‘Don’t be silly.’ She toyed with her drink, a vodka and tonic, her staple. She had been drinking more and eating less lately: she would have to watch herself. ‘I hear you lost your job. What happened?’

He had been hoping she would not bring that up. He looked at his own drink, a beer. ‘Business was down. They say the economy is growing, but that’s bullshit. Are you getting more customers?’

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I’m thinking of opening up another salon.’

‘I’ve been looking at going into the nursery business,’ he said tentatively.

She didn’t laugh, as he had been afraid she might. But she did say, ‘What are you gunna use for money?’

‘I’ve got a bit saved. And I think the bank’ll listen to me.’

‘You owe me three months on the mortgage, your share.’

Jesus, why did she always have to harp on about money? ‘I’ll cover that.’

‘How?’

‘Don’t worry – I told you I’d cover it!’ He was trying to hold on to his temper. Over at the bar Charlene was looking at him, talking all the while to the three or four men at the bar. She waved to him and he nodded back. ‘Let’s talk about us, hon – not money—’

Norma had looked back over her shoulder. ‘You still got a thing for her?’

‘Who?’

‘Charlene, the freewheeling bike.’

‘For Crissake, Norma – cut it out! I never had a thing for her – Jesus, it was just one night! You were away, I dunno where—’

‘I was up at Gosford, taking care of my mother who was sick with pneumonia—’ She stopped abruptly, as if suddenly exhausted by the argument. She stared at her glass, twirled it round again with those fingers that had been so clever at finding their way round his body. Then she said, her voice so low that he had to lean forward to hear her, ‘Go, Ron. It’s over. I don’t want to see you again. Ever.’

‘Hon—’

‘Please go. Don’t make a scene – just go.’

All at once in the huge room there was one of those silences that are magnified by the number of those present. Two hundred people had abruptly stopped talking; even Charlene, at the bar, who never stopped. The poker machines were motionless: no symbols fell, no bell rang. The garish lights, an electrician’s nightmare, seemed brighter, more eye-burning. Heads turned to see what had caused the silence; but there was nothing to be seen. It had just happened, like the closing of a book.

Ron stood up. There was an aridness in Norma’s voice that all of a sudden opened up a desert before him.

‘Goodbye,’ he said and walked the long walk to the wide front doors. Norma didn’t turn her head to watch him, which was a pity. He had never known the meaning of dignity, but tonight he accomplished it, even if he was unaware of it. His back was straight, his pace steady.

Come to think of it, Charlene would say later, he looked cold-blooded. Which would be damning, but was wrong.

3

He was a tall lean man with a bony face that stopped just short of being handsome. He had thick dark hair with already a touch of grey at the temples; he would be grey-haired by the time he was forty-five, thirteen years away. He moved with an unhurried easy grace, as if he knew he was destined for a long life and minutes and seconds saved did not matter. He wore a blue button-down shirt, a purple-and-green striped tie, a brown tweed jacket and grey slacks. He had a habit of standing with his right hand in his jacket pocket, rather like 1930s British actors in late-night movies. He was noticeable, though not by intent.

He was on his way back from Katoomba, where, due to the bungling of the locals, he had had to work longer than he had planned. He had come down from the Blue Mountains and was on the freeway heading for the city when his bladder began to assert itself. He was coming into the outskirts of the suburbs and began to look for a place to pull off the freeway. A curving exit opened up ahead and he took the Mitsubishi Magna up it and brought the car to a halt. He got out, relieved himself, felt the relief of a long piss, one of the unlisted small joys of life. He was about to get back into the car when he saw the big neon-lit building about a couple of hundred metres along the crossroad. All at once he felt thirsty and hungry. Later he would remember, with sour humour, that the whole tragic night had begun with an urge to piss.

He drove into the car park of the club; it looked large enough to take at least a thousand cars, but tonight there were less than two hundred. He knew of it, it was famous, the first of the clubs that had started back in the fifties. It had drawn the local residents together, given them a haven and distraction from the sterile suburbs in which they lived; it had provided what the urban planners had not thought of, a focus. It was wealthy, had voting power with the other clubs, and it spread money where it was needed in the district. A sign by the wide front doors told him: All Visitors Welcome.

He walked in, was overwhelmed by the size of the huge room. He was accustomed to smaller places, had grown up in a three-bedroom semi-detached in Collaroy and size, especially interiors, still impressed him. There were a fair number of people in the room, most of them lined up before the banks of poker machines that sat, with smug faces, like creatures from outer space waiting for the suckers to pay homage. One woman wore a long black glove on the hand that pumped her machine; he wondered if she drew it on like a surgeon about to operate. He was not a gambler, never had been, and he wondered what other strangers like himself, coming in, thought of the machines and their brazen look.

He walked up to the bar. ‘Can I get something to eat without going to the restaurant?’ He could see a restaurant up on a mezzanine floor. ‘A sandwich or something?’

The barmaid had the sort of smile that she gave to everyone, whether she was favouring them or disappointing them. ‘I can get you some sandwiches from the kitchen.’

‘Thanks. And a beer. You have a Heineken, by any chance?’ He had a pleasant voice, every word distinct.

‘We have everything. You name it, we’ve got it, definitely. You moved in around here or just visiting?’

‘Just visiting.’

‘I’m Charlene, the oldest inhabitant. I was a teenager when I started here.’

He hoped she wasn’t going to tell him her life’s history. She was in her mid-forties, he guessed, bright, bouncy and unembarrassed by her openness: you got what you saw. Her hair was a blonde dome, some hairdresser’s self-monument. One would not have been surprised to find an autograph on the wearer’s forehead. But she was efficient and he could see why she had lasted so long. Members, he was sure, would say she was a pillar of the club.

She brought him his beer and sandwiches. ‘It’s ham-and-avocado salad. Nice – I had one m’self for supper. You’ll have to take it to a table. We don’t allow ’em lining up here at the bar to eat. You know what men are like. Let ’em near a bar and they think it’s their mother’s tit, if you’ll forgive the expression.’

‘Of course.’ He couldn’t remember his mother’s tit, but was sure he hadn’t hung round it after he’d left babyhood. He had been one of five children and his mother, deserted by their father, had never had the time to coddle any of them.

He took his right hand out of his pocket to pick up the beer and the sandwiches and only then was it apparent why he kept the hand hidden. It was crippled, a twist of claws. He grasped the sandwich plate, took the beer in his left hand and went across to a table some distance from the bar. He sat down and only then noticed the woman three tables away from him. She looked at him without interest, then got up, went to the bar and brought back a drink. She was an attractive woman, everywhere but in her face: pain was there and anger and those emotions were never attractive. He had seen them before, in his work.

He watched her while he ate and drank, taking his time. It had been a long, hard, full day and now he was enjoying the relaxation, no matter how short it might be. The woman interested him: what had brought the pain and anger to her face? In profile they were less obvious; he shifted his chair so that she remained in profile to him. The more he looked at her, the more he became interested in her. There was a sensuality to her that he had missed at first: something in the line of her body, the way she moved when she raised her glass to her lips. But she paid him no attention and at last he decided it was time to go. He had at least another three-quarter of an hour’s drive to home.

He stood up, went across and paid the barmaid. ‘Thanks. I’m refreshed.’

‘Half your luck. I’m done in. I’m not as young as I used to be. But don’t tell anyone.’ She gave him the smile. He liked her friendliness, but wondered why she played the part she had created for herself. When she got home, did she take off the front and throw it aside like a dirty brassiere?

‘I never tell on a lady,’ he said, smiled at her and left.

Out in the car park he was about to get into the Magna when he saw the woman moving unsteadily towards a grey Volvo. He paused, watching her. She stopped by the car, opened her handbag, took out her keys and dropped them. He heard her swear, then she leaned on the side of the car and slowly slid down, her free hand groping for the keys on the ground. He shut the door of the Magna and moved across to her.

‘Can I help?’

She looked up at him. ‘I’ve dropped my keys.’ She stood up, slowly, still leaning on the car. They were close and he could smell the liquor on her breath. ‘I think the night air’s got to me.’

He found the keys, but didn’t hand them to her. ‘Do you live far from here?’

She waved vaguely. ‘About five minutes. I dunno – I’m not much good at distances. I’m not much good at closeness, either.’ She giggled.

‘I think I’d better drive you home. Or get you a cab.’

‘No cab. You go back in there, ring for cab and someone’s gunna ask you if it’s for me again. No thanks.’ She was still leaning against her car, but with her back to it now. She looked carefully at him, as if making a decision on him; then she nodded back at the club. ‘I saw you looking at me in there. Why?’

‘I often look at attractive women.’

If she had giggled he would have walked away. But she just nodded, as if she knew that was the most natural thing in the world for men to do. He wondered how much experience of men she had had, but guessed she would be able to handle them.

‘What’s your name?’

‘Fred.’

‘Fred what?’

‘Just Fred. What’s yours?’

‘Norma. Just Norma.’ Then she straightened up, stepped away from the car. ‘Drive me home, Fred.’

She gave him directions and it was indeed only five minutes’ drive. She said nothing during the five minutes, just sat side on looking at him. He could smell her perfume; and something else? Did desire have a perfume? When he slowed, looking for her street, she spoke at last. ‘The next street on the right. They all look alike around here. It’s the egali – something or other look.’

‘Egalitarian.’

‘That’s it. One of my clients said it – she’s a teacher, a real bolshie. I’m a hairdresser. What do you do, Fred?’

He could see something was building here. He would go along with it, she attracted him, but he was still cautious. If this was going to be a one-night stand, that was all it was going to be. ‘I’m an adviser.’

‘I could do with some advice.’ She continued to look at him, then she smiled to herself, shrugged and said, ‘How are you gunna get back to your own car?’

‘I’ll walk.’

‘It’s a long walk. You want me to ring for a cab?’ She opened the car door, got out. ‘Come in.’

He was not a floater, someone who picked up women like fish; he had always been steady, almost careful in his courting. This, though, wasn’t courting; nothing in this, if anything happened, would remain in the memory of either of them as anything of consequence. He was not inexperienced in women; he recognized he was being invited inside for more than a phone call for a cab. He got out of the car, already big in his trousers, and followed her in through the front gate and up the narrow path.

‘Don’t step on the garden. It used to be my husband’s pride and joy. It’s gone to pot now.’

He paused in his step. ‘Where is he?’

She stopped and looked back at him. ‘Don’t worry. He’s looking after someone else’s garden somewhere. We’re finished,’ she said, fumbling with the front door key. He wasn’t sure whether there was pain or anger in her voice, as there had been in her face at the club. ‘Finished. Bugger!’

She had dropped her keys again. He found them, put a key in the door and opened it. They were close together; he could smell the perfume and the heat of her. But he was not going to kiss her on the doorstep. ‘After you, Norma.’

He followed her into the house, closed the door behind him. She turned back, gave him the direct look again. ‘Do you wanna call a cab?’

‘Not yet.’

She came into his arms as easily as if they were old lovers. There was no frantic tearing at each other; she led him towards the main bedroom, again as if they were old lovers. Only when they were undressing, on opposite sides of the bed, did she notice his claw.

‘Is that your loving hand?’

She said it with a smile and he wasn’t offended; but all at once he was embarrassed by it. As he had been with other women. ‘No.’

‘How’d it happen?’

But he just shook his head, fell on the bed and pulled her down on him. Later, he would not remember the next half-hour. Drunkenness seemed to overtake her: the drunkenness of sex, the delayed effect of the drinks she had had at the club: he would never know. She tore at him as if she hated him; but wouldn’t let go. At last he struggled free, fell back from her.

She grabbed at him again. ‘Yes!’

‘No – I can’t—’

‘What’s the matter? Your dick crippled like your hand?’

That shocked him, he hadn’t expected that sort of cruelty; he was equally shocked when he hit her. Anger is the most primitive emotion, the least civilized attribute of man. It comes from the oldest and deepest part of the brain, is always there; the last emotion left in a paralysed brain is anger. Later, he would remember that psychiatrists had put that opinion in court.

She rose up in the bed, hit him in the face with her fist; the fist turned into a claw, tore at him. He put up his left hand, tried to push her chin up and away. The hand slipped to her throat as she clawed at him again. She was babbling incoherently; she hit him in the eye and he swore with pain. Then his grip tightened on her throat.

He was shocked when she fell on him, pushing his left arm back into him. His fist opened and he slid his hand away from her throat. He pushed her off him, slipped to one side and lifted himself to look at her.

Then tentatively, like a lover’s hand, he put his left hand on her throat again. There was no pulse.

4

Ron Glaze couldn’t take no for an answer: it was the salesman in him.

After he had left the club he had gone to McDonald’s and stuffed himself with two Big Macs; unhappiness made him hungry. You’ll never grow up, his mother had told him; but hadn’t spoiled him by turning him into a mummy’s boy. When McDonald’s told him they wanted to close down for the night he had gone out and sat on a bench in the mall. People passed him, some that he knew; they said Hi, and he nodded back at them. Some of them looked back at him curiously, but none of them came back to speak to him. He sat there for almost an hour, then he got up and wandered up the main street, stood on the pavement and looked across at Wisden’s Car Sales, at the cars standing there in long rows, the floodlights reflected in the wind-screens like malevolent smiles. Oh shit, he said aloud and began to cry.