“You ‘re a blasphemous creature,” said Mrs. Bilkins, severely.
“Thim ‘s the words his riverince spake this mornin’, standin’ foreninst us,” explained Mr. O’Rourke. “I stood here, see, and me jew’l stood there, and the howly chaplain beyont.”
And Mr. O’Rourke with a wavering forefinger drew a diagram of the interesting situation on the door-step.
“Well,” returned Mrs. Bilkins, “if you ‘re a married man, all I have to say is, there’s a pair of fools instead of one. You had better be off; the person you want does n’t live here.”
“Bedad, thin, but she does.”
“Lives here?”
“Sorra a place else.”
“The man’s crazy,” said Mrs. Bilkins to herself.
While she thought him simply drunk she was not in the least afraid; but the idea that she was conversing with a madman sent a chill over her. She reached back her hand preparatory to shutting the door, when Mr. O’Rourke, with an agility that might have been expected from his previous gymnastics, set one foot on the threshold and frustrated the design.
“I want me wife,” he said sternly.
Unfortunately, Mr. Bilkins had gone up town, and there was no one in the house except Margaret, whose pluck was not to be depended on. The case was urgent. With the energy of despair Mrs. Bilkins suddenly placed the toe of her boot against Mr. O’Rourke’s invading foot, and pushed it away. The effect of this attack was to cause Mr. O’Rourke to describe a complete circle on one leg, and then sit down heavily on the threshold. The lady retreated to the hat-stand, and rested her hand mechanically on the handle of a blue cotton umbrella. Mr. O’Rourke partly turned his head and smiled upon her with conscious superiority. At this juncture a third actor appeared on the scene, evidently a friend of Mr. O’Rourke, for he addressed that gentleman as “a spalpeen,” and told him to go home.
“Divil an inch,” replied the spalpeen; but he got himself off the threshold, and returned his position on the step.
“It’s only Larry, mum,” said the man, touching his forelock politely; “as dacent a lad as iver lived, when he ‘s not in liquor; an’ I ‘ve known him to be sober for days to-gither,” he added, reflectively. “He don’t mane a ha’p’orth o’ harum, but jist now he’s not quite in his right moind.”
“I should think not,” said Mrs. Bilkins, turning from the speaker to Mr. O’Rourke, who had seated himself gravely on the scraper, and was weeping. “Hasn’t the man any friends?”
“Too many of ‘em, mum, an’ it’s along wid dhrinkin’ toasts wid ‘em that Larry got throwed. The punch that spalpeen has dhrunk this day would amaze ye. He give us the slip awhiles ago, bad ‘cess to him, an’ come up here. Did n’t I tell ye, Larry, not to be afther ringin’ at the owld gintleman’s knocker? Ain’t ye got no sinse at all?”
“Misther Donnehugh,” responded Mr. O’Rourke with great dignity, “ye ‘re dhrunk agin.”
Mr. Donnehugh, who had not taken more than thirteen ladles of rum-punch, disdained to reply directly.
“He’s a dacent lad enough”—this to Mrs. Bilkins—“but his head is wake. Whin he’s had two sups o’ whiskey he belaves he’s dhrunk a bar’l full. A gill o’ wather out of a jimmy-john ‘d fuddle him, mum.”
“Is n’t there anybody to look after him?”
“No, mum, he’s an orphan; his father and mother live in the owld counthry, an’ a fine hale owld couple they are.”
“Has n’t he any family in the town”—
“Sure, mum, he has a family; was n’t he married this blessed mornin’?”
“He said so.”
“Indade, thin, he was—the pore divil!”
“And the—the person?” inquired Mrs. Bilkins.
“Is it the wife, ye mane?”
“Yes, the wife: where is she?”
“Well, thin, mum,” said Mr. Donnehugh, “it’s yerself can answer that.”
“I?” exclaimed Mrs. Bilkins. “Good heavens! this man’s as crazy as the other!”
“Begorra, if anybody’s crazy, it’s Larry, for it’s Larry has married Margaret.”
“What Margaret?” cried Mrs. Bilkins, with a start.
“Margaret Callaghan, sure.”
“Our Margaret? Do you mean to say that OUR Margaret has married that—that good-for-nothing, inebriated wretch!”
“It’s a civil tongue the owld lady has, any way,” remarked Mr. O’Rourke, critically, from the scraper.
Mrs. Bilkins’s voice during the latter part of the colloquy had been pitched in a high key; it rung through the hall and penetrated to the kitchen, where Margaret was thoughtfully wiping the breakfast things. She paused with a half-dried saucer in her hand, and listened. In a moment more she stood, with bloodless face and limp figure, leaning against the banister, behind Mrs. Bilkins.
“Is it there ye are, me jew’l!” cried Mr. O’Rourke, discovering her.
Mrs. Bilkins wheeled upon Margaret.
“Margaret Callaghan, is that thing your husband?”
“Ye-yes, mum,” faltered Mrs. O’Rourke, with a woful lack of spirit.
“Then take it away!” cried Mrs. Bilkins.
Margaret, with a slight flush on either cheek, glided past Mrs. Bilkins, and the heavy oak door closed with a bang, as the gates of Paradise must have closed of old upon Adam and Eve.
“Come!” said Margaret, taking Mr. O’Rourke by the hand; and the two wandered forth upon their wedding journey down Anchor Street, with all the world before them where to choose. They chose to halt at the small, shabby tenement-house by the river, through the doorway of which the bridal pair disappeared with a reeling, eccentric gait; for Mr. O’Rourke’s intoxication seemed to have run down his elbow, and communicated itself to Margaret. O Hymen! who burnest precious gums and scented woods in thy torch at the melting of aristocratic hearts, with what a pitiful penny-dip thou hast lighted up our little back-street romance!
II
It had been no part of Margaret’s plan to acknowledge the marriage so soon. Though on pleasure bent, she had a frugal mind. She had invested in a husband with a view of laying him away for a rainy day—that is to say, for such time as her master and mistress should cease to need her services; for she had promised on more than one occasion to remain with the old people as long as they lived. Indeed, if Mr. O’Rourke had come to her and said in so many words, “The day you marry me you must leave the Bilkins family,” there is very little doubt but Margaret would have let that young sea-monster slip back unmated, so far as she was concerned, into his native element. The contingency never entered into her calculations. She intended that the ship which had brought Ulysses to her island should take him off again after a decent interval of honeymoon; then she would confess all to Mrs. Bilkins, and be forgiven, and Mr. Bilkins would not cancel that clause supposed to exist in his will bequeathing two first-mortgage bonds of the Squedunk E. B. Co. to a certain faithful servant. In the mean while she would add each month to her store in the coffers of the Rivermouth Savings Bank; for Calypso had a neat sum to her credit on the books of that provident institution.
But this could not be now. The volatile bridegroom had upset the wisely conceived plan, and “all the fat was in the fire,” as Margaret philosophically put it. Mr. O’Rourke had been fully instructed in the part he was to play, and, to do him justice, had honestly intended to play it; but destiny was against him. It may be observed that destiny and Mr. O’Rourke were not on very friendly terms.
After the ceremony had been performed and Margaret had stolen back to the Bilkins mansion, as related, Mr. O’Rourke with his own skilful hands had brewed a noble punch for the wedding guests. Standing at the head of the table and stirring the pungent mixture in a small wash-tub purchased for the occasion, Mr. O’Rourke came out in full flower. His flow of wit, as he replenished the glasses, was as racy and seemingly as inexhaustible as the punch itself. When Mrs. McLaughlin held out her glass, inadvertently upside down, for her sixth ladleful, Mr. O’Rourke gallantly declared it should be filled if he had to stand on his head to do it. The elder Miss O’Leary whispered to Mrs. Connally that Mr. O’Rourke was “a perfic gintleman,” and the men in a body pronounced him a bit of the raal shamrock. If Mr. O’Rourke was happy in brewing a punch, he was happier in dispensing it, and happiest of all in drinking a great deal of it himself. He toasted Mrs. Finnigan, the landlady, and the late lamented Finnigan, the father, whom he had never seen, and Miss Biddy Finnigan, the daughter, and a young toddling Finnigan, who was at large in shockingly scant raiment. He drank to the company individually and collectively, drank to the absent, drank to a tin-peddler who chanced to pass the window, and indeed was in that propitiatory mood when he would have drunk to the health of each separate animal that came out of the Ark. It was in the midst of the confusion and applause which followed his song, “The Wearing of the Grane,” that Mr. O’Rourke, the punch being all gone, withdrew unobserved, and went in quest of Mrs. O’Rourke—with what success the reader knows.
According to the love-idyl of the period, when Laura and Charles Henry, after unheard-of obstacles, are finally united, all cares and tribulations and responsibilities slip from their sleek backs like Christian’s burden. The idea is a pretty one, theoretically, but, like some of those models in the Patent Office at Washington, it fails to work. Charles Henry does not go on sitting at Laura’s feet and reading Tennyson to her forever: the rent of the cottage by the sea falls due with prosaic regularity; there are bakers, and butchers, and babies, and tax-collectors, and doctors, and undertakers, and sometimes gentlemen of the jury, to be attended to. Wedded life is not one long amatory poem with recurrent rhymes of love and dove, and kiss and bliss. Yet when the average sentimental novelist has supplied his hero and heroine with their bridal outfit and arranged that little matter of the marriage certificate, he usually turns off the gas, puts up his shutters, and saunters off with his hands in his pockets, as if the day’s business were over. But we, who are honest dealers in real life and disdain to give short weight, know better. The business is by no means over; it is just begun. It is not Christian throwing off his pack for good and all, but Christian taking up a load heavier and more difficult than any he has carried.