Maggie. Well, from my sowl, ye's a mighty inquisitive ould chap. It's a famale.
Oldbuck (aside). Ah, it's true then. Sh! Come here, my good girl. (Maggie approaches him, and hits his foot.) O, my foot! You clumsy —
Maggie (poking his foot with the cane). Does it burn?
Oldbuck. O! O! O! Will you be quiet?
Maggie. If ye'll kape a civil tongue.
Oldbuck. I'm dumb. But tell me – this patient – who is she? I'll be secret.
Maggie. Sure, ye's mighty mysterious. It's myself.
Oldbuck. You? (Aside.) They said she was incog. This must be her. And now I look at her, there's a certain grace about her, a queenly air – O, it's the duchess. (Aloud.) Your grace —
Maggie. What's that?
Oldbuck. Pardon me, your grace, I failed to recognize, in this mean attire, the high-born lady, which your highness must be.
Maggie. The ould fellow's looney. (Pokes his foot with the cane.)
Oldbuck. O! O! my foot!
Maggie. Will ye's kape a civil tongue?
Oldbuck. Ten thousand pardons. I forgot your disguise.
Maggie. Disguise is it? Troth, it's my belafe that it's yerself is disguised intirely – in liquor.
Plumpface (outside, L., coughing violently). Where's (cough) the (cough) doctor? (Enters, L.)
Oldbuck. Old Plumpface, confound him!
Maggie. The doctor, is it? Troth, he's away on a call. He'll soon return. Take a cheer. (Hands him chair, L. He sits.)
Plumpface (coughs). O, this infernal cough! I'm in the last (cough) stages of a decline. (Coughs.)
Maggie. The docther'll cure ye's in a jiffy.
Oldbuck. Not that cough. Egad, he's kept it up for twenty years, and grows fat on it. Hallo, Plumpface! I thought Allopath was your medical adviser.
Plumpface. He's a swindle. (Cough.) He does me no good. (Cough.) I'm going to try the new one. (Cough.)
Oldbuck. Humbug! Keep your money. There's nothing the matter with you. You've tried twenty doctors. They bleed your pocket, and add power to that infernal cough.
Plumpface. Humbug yourself! (cough) hobbling round (cough) with that (cough) foot wrapped up. (Cough.) Stay at home and diet. (Cough.)
Maggie. Ye'll make a die of it some day, sure, wid that watchman's rattle in ye's throat.
Plumpface (to Maggie). Here (cough), I want to whisper to you. (Cough.)
Maggie (comes close to him.) D'ye call that a whisper?
Plumpface. Hush! (Cough.) Don't let Oldbuck hear. (Cough.) How is she? (Cough.)
Maggie. What she d'ye mane?
Plumpface. Hush! The doctor's (cough) patient here.
Maggie. Is it mysilf? Troth, I'm pickin' up lively.
Plumpface (aside). Her? Can she be the duchess? It must be, incog. Your grace. (Cough.)
Maggie (aside). Your what?
Plumpface. I'm delighted to (cough) meet your highness. (Cough.) When did you leave the old country? (Cough.)
Maggie. The ould counthry, is it?
Oldbuck. Here, this way. (Aside to Maggie.) Plumpface is an old fool. Don't mind him, your grace.
Maggie. Will, 'pon my sowl, if here isn't a couple of the quarest ould chaps I iver met. O, here's the docther. (Gives Oldbuck his cane.)
Enter Dr. Aconite, L. Exit Maggie, R.
Dr. A. The ice is broken. I've cured four individuals in ten minutes. My fortune's made. (Comes, C.)
Plumpface (jumping up). O, doctor (cough), my cough!
Oldbuck (jumping up). Dear doctor, my foot – O!
Plumpface. Please attend to me first. (Cough.)
Oldbuck. No, I arrived first, and claim your attention first.
Plumpface. It's a lie. I sent an hour ago. (Cough.)
Oldbuck. He's a humbug. That cough's hereditary.
Plumpface. You villain! (Shakes fist at Oldbuck.)
Oldbuck. You swindler! (Shakes fist at Plumpface.)
Dr. A. (stepping between them). Gentlemen, be calm. 'Tis the proud boast of medical science that it can settle all difficulties, mental as well as physical. You need my aid; but such are the claims upon my time that I cannot, without doing injustice to my numerous patients, attend to you at present. Give me your address, and I will call upon you at the earliest possible moment.
Oldbuck. I am Squire Oldbuck.
Dr. A. (aside). The rich squire – good!
Plumpface. And I am Peter Plumpface. (Cough.)
Dr. A. (aside). The great manufacturer – good!
Oldbuck. I can pay handsomely.
Plumpface. I can pay liberally.
Dr. A. Gentlemen, you shall receive my early attention. You will pardon me, but I have a patient in the house who requires my immediate attention.
Oldbuck (aside). "The Duchess of Dublin."
Plumpface (aside). The Dublin duchess. (Cough. Aloud.) My dear doctor, I have heard of your skill. May I depend upon you?
Dr. A. At the earliest possible moment.
Oldbuck. You will give me early attention?
Dr. A. Immediate.
Oldbuck. Then I'll hobble home at once. Good day, doctor. (Aside.) When old Plumpface is out of the way, I'll slip back again.
[Exit, L.
Plumpface (coughs). I know your skill, doctor (cough,) and shall depend upon you. Good day. (Cough. Aside.) I'll come back and quicken his memory when Oldbuck is out of sight.
[Exit, L.
Dr. A. (rubbing his hands). Ha, ha! that's a capital joke. Dr. Aconite, poor physician, turns two of the richest men out of his office to wait his pleasure! But that's the right way. 'Twill never do to be too anxious. Egad! they're rich acquisitions; for, though I have never met them, that cough and that gouty foot have been the rounds of the medical fraternity. Wonder how they happened to drop in upon me? No matter; I can cure them both in time. Ah, Time, you are the doctor's best friend, for you pay as you go. Luck's come at last, and that imaginary dinner shall be a real, substantial feast, to mark the day when Dr. Aconite took his first fee.
Enter Sharpset, L.
Sharpset. Heow d'ye dew. You're Dr. Aconite, I reckon?
Dr. A. I am.
Sharpset. Jes' so. Wall, I'm Silas Sharpset, E. s. q., 'he founder and proprietor of the "Excelsior Perambulating Museum of Wonderful, Whimsical, Extraordinary, and Eccentric Living Curiosities."
Dr. A. Indeed!
Sharpset. Jes' so. You'll find in my wonderful collection studies of human nater in every variety. The remarkable and only original living fat girl, seven years of age, who has attained the enormous weight of seven hundred and seventy-seven pounds by a daily diet of molasses candy and gum drops.
Dr. A. Remarkable, indeed!
Sharpset. Jes' so. Also, the only real living skeleton, aged thirty-nine, weight seventeen pounds and three ounces, who lives on oatmeal gruel, eaten by the spoonful, once in forty-eight hours, who kin crawl through a stove-pipe of six inches diameter, and dance the Cachuca in a quart measure.
Dr. A. Ah, that's too thin.
Sharpset. Jes' so. Then there's the man born without either arms or legs, who can lift a hogshead with his teeth, and write a remarkably legible hand with his back hair, which he wears in a cue for that purpose.
Dr. A. Cue-rious, indeed.
Sharpset. Jes' so. Then there's the bald-headed accountant, with his head so full of figures that he can run up the longest account in no time, and, by the force of his stupendous intellect, make the sum total appear in round figures, visible to the naked eye, on the top of his head.
Dr. A. A calculating baldhead.
Sharpset. Jes' so. But the assortment is too numerous to mention. I kin only say, that for variety, versatility, and invention, this collection is unsurpassed, and kin be seen in all its beauty for twenty-five cents a head.
Dr. A. Well, sir, what is your business with me? My time is precious.
Sharpset. Jes' so. Wall, then, to come to the p'int. You've got a nat'ral living curiosity, and I want it.
Dr. A. I've got a curiosity? So I have – a curiosity to know what you mean.
Sharpset. Jes' so. Mighty secret, but it's no use, doctor; it's all over town. You'll have to give in, so you might as well make the best terms you kin with me, for I've greater facilities for exhibiting the critter than any other live man. Jes' so – Silas Sharpset, E. s. q., can't be beat.
Dr. A. Exhibiting the critter, Mr. Sharpset? There's a wildness in your eye that betokens insanity. You are laboring under a wild hallucination. Go hence. Soak your feet, wrap a wet towel round your head, and return to your couch at once.