7. He must be one that is judicious in religion; that is, not of an erroneous, heretical wit; nor ignorant of those great and excellent truths, which you should oft confer about; but rather one that excelleth you in solid understanding, and true judgment, and a discerning head, that can teach you somewhat which you know not; and is not addicted to corrupt you with false opinions of his own.
8. He must be one that is not schismatical and embodied in any dividing sect; for else he will be no longer true to you, than the interest of his party will allow him; and if you will not follow him in his conceits and singularities, he will withdraw his love, and despise you; and if he do not, yet he may endanger your stedfastness, by the temptation of his love.
9. He must be one that hath no other very intimate friend, unless his friend be also as intimate with you as with him; because else he will be no further secret and trusty to you, than the interest or will of his other friend will allow him.
10. He must be one that is prudent in the management of business, and especially those which your converse is concerned in; else his indiscretion in words or practice, will not suffer your friendship to be long entire.
11. He must be one that is not addicted to loquacity, but can keep your secrets; otherwise he will be so untrusty as to be uncapable of doing the true office of a friend.
12. He must have a zeal and activity in religion and in all well-doing; otherwise he will be unfit to warm your affections, and to provoke you to love and good works, and to do the principal works of friendship, but will rather cool and hinder you in your way.
13. He must be one that is not addicted to levity, unconstancy, and change; or else you can expect no stability in his friendship.
14. He must not much differ from you in riches, or in poverty, or in quality in the world. For if he be much richer, he will be carried away with higher company and converse than yours, and will think you fitter to be his servant than his friend. And if he be much poorer than you, he will be apt to value your friendship for his own commodity, and you will be still in doubt whether he be sincere.
15. He must be one that is like to live with you or near you, that you may have the frequent benefit of his converse, counsel, example, and other acts of friendship.
16. He must be one that is not very covetous, or a lover of riches or preferment; for such a one will no longer be true to you, than his mammon will allow him.
17. He must be one that is not peevish, passionate, and impatient; but that can both bear with your infirmities, and also bear much from others for your sake, in the exercise of his friendship.
18. He must be one that hath so good an esteem of your person, and so true and strong a love to you, as will suffice to move him, and hold him to all this.
19. He must be yet of a public spirit, and a lover of good works, that he may put you on to well-doing, and not countenance you in an idle self-pleasing and unprofitable life. And he ought to be one that is skilful in the business of your calling, that he may be fit to censure your work, and amend it, and direct you in it, and confer about it; and it is best for you if he be one that excelleth you herein, that he may add something to you (but then you will not be such to him, and so the friendship will be unequal.)
20. Lastly, There must be some suitableness in age and sex. The young want experience to make them meet for the bosom friendship of the aged (though yet they may take delight in instructing them, and doing them good). And the young are hardly reconcilable to all the gravity of the aged. And it must not be a person of a different sex, unless in case of marriage. Not but that they may be helpful to each other as christians, and in a state of distant friendship; but this bosom intimacy they are utterly unfit for, because of unsuitableness, temptation, and scandal.
Directions for the Right Use of Special Bosom Friendship
Direct. I. Engage not yourself to any one as a bosom friend, without great evidence and proof of his fitness in all the foregoing qualifications. By which you may see that this is not an ordinary way of duty or benefit, but a very unusual case. For it is a hard thing to meet with one among many thousands, that hath all these qualifications; and when that is done, if you have not all the same qualifications to him, you will be unmeet for his friendship, whatever he be for yours. And where in an age will there be two that are suited in all those respects? Therefore our ordinary way of duty is, to love all according to their various worth, and to make the best use we can of every one's grace and gifts, and of those most that are nearest us; but without the partiality of such extraordinary affection to any one above all the rest. For young persons usually make their choice rashly, of one that afterwards proveth utterly unmeet for the office of such a friend, or at least, no better than many other persons; nay, ten to one, but after-experience will acquaint them with many that are much wiser, and better, and fitter for their love. And hasty affections are guilty of blind partiality, and run men into sin and sorrow, and often end in unpleasant ruptures. Therefore be not too forward in this friendship.
Direct. II. When you do choose a friend, though he must be one that you have no cause to be suspicious of, yet reckon that it is possible that he may be estranged from you, yea, and turn your enemy. Causeless jealousies are contrary to friendship on your part; and if there be cause, it is inconsistent with friendship on his part. But yet no friendship should make you blind, and not to know that man is a corrupt and mutable creature; especially in such an age as this, wherein we have seen, how personal changes, state changes, and changes in religion, have alienated many seeming friends. Therefore love them, and use them, and trust them, but as men, that may possibly fail all your expectations, and open all your secrets, and betray you, yea, and turn your enemies. Suspect it not, but judge it possible.
Direct. III. Be open with your approved friend, and commit all your secrets to him, still excepting those, the knowledge of which may be hurtful to himself, or the revealing of them hereafter may be intolerably injurious to yourself, to the honour of religion, to the public good, or to any other. If you be needlessly close, you are neither friendly, nor can you improve your friend enough to your own advantage. But yet if you open all without exception, you may many ways be injurious to your friend and to yourself; and the day may come which you did not look for, in which his weakness, passion, interest, or alienation, may trouble you by making all public to the world.
Direct. IV. Use as little affectation or ceremony with your friend as may be; but let all your converse with him be with openness of heart, that he may see that you both trust him, and deal with him in plain sincerity. If dissimulation and forced affectation be but once discovered, it tendeth to breed a constant diffidence and suspicion. And if it be an infirmity of your own which you think needeth such a cover, the cloak will be of worse effect, than the knowledge of your infirmity.
Direct. V. Be ever faithful to your friend, for the cure of all his faults; and never turn friendship into flattery: yet still let all be done in love, though in a friendly freedom, and closeness of admonition. It is not the least benefit of intimate friendship, that what an enemy speaketh behind our backs, a friend will open plainly to our faces. To watch over one another daily, and be as a glass to show our faces or faults to one another, is the very great benefit of true friendship. Eccles. iv. 9-11, "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth, for he hath not another to help him up." It is a flatterer and not a friend, that will please you by concealing or extenuating your sin.
Direct. VI. Abhor selfishness as most contrary to real friendship. Let your friend be as yourself, and his interest as your own. If we must love our neighbour as ourselves, much more our dearest bosom friends.
Direct. VII. Understand what is most excellent and useful in your friend, and that improve. Much good is lost by a dead-hearted companion, that will neither broach the vessel and draw that out which is ready for their use; nor yet feed any good discourse, by due questions or answers, but stifle all by barren silence. And a dull, silent hearer, will weary and silence the speaker at the last.
Direct. VIII. Resolve to bear with each other's infirmities: be not too high in your expectations from each other; look not for exactness and innocence, but for human infirmities, that when they fall out, you may not find yourselves disappointed. Patience is necessary in all human converse.
Direct. IX. Yet do not suffer friendship to blind you, to own or extenuate the faults of your dearest friend. For that will be sinful partiality, and will be greatly injurious to God, and treachery against the soul and safety of your friend.
Direct. X. And watch lest the love, estimation, or reverence of your friend, should draw you to entertain his errors, or to imitate him in any sinful way. It is no part of true friendship to prefer men before the truth of Christ, nor to take any heretical, dividing, or sensual infection from our friend, and so to die and perish with him; nor is it friendly to desire it.
Direct. XI. Never speak against your friend to a third person; nor open his dishonourable weakness to another. As no man can serve two masters, so no man can well please two contrary friends: and if you whisper to one the failings of another, it tendeth directly to the dissolution of your friendship.
Direct. XII. Think not that love will warrant your partial, erroneous estimation of your friend. You may judge him fittest for your intimacy; but you must not judge him better than all other men, unless you have special evidence of it, as the reason of such a judgment.
Direct. XIII. Let not the love of your friend draw you to love all, or any others, the less, and below their worth. Let not friendship make you narrow-hearted, and confine your charity to one: but give all their due, in your valuation and your conversation, and exercise as large a charity and benignity as possibly you can; especially to societies, churches, and commonwealth, and to all the world. It is a sinful friendship, which robbeth others of your charity; especially those to whom much more is due than to your friend.
Direct. XIV. Exercise your friendship in holiness and well-doing: kindle in each other the love of God and goodness, and provoke each other to a heavenly conversation. The more of God and heaven is in your friendship, the more holy, safe, and sweet, and durable it will prove. It will not wither, when an everlasting subject is the fuel that maintaineth it. If it will not help you the better to holiness and to heaven, it is worth nothing. Eccles. iv. 11, "If two lie together, then they have heat; but how can one be warm alone." See that your friendship degenerate not into common carnal love, and evaporate not in a barren converse, instead of prayer and heavenly discourse, and faithful watchfulness and reproof.
Direct. XV. Prepare each other for suffering and death, and dwell together in the house of mourning, where you may remember your nearer everlasting friendship; and not only in the house of mirth, as if it were your work to make each other forget your latter end.
CHAPTER XXIX.
CASES AND DIRECTIONS FOR LOVING AND DOING GOOD TO ENEMIES
Most which belongeth to this subject is said before, chap. ix. about forgiving enemies, and therefore thither I refer the reader.
Tit. 1. Cases about Loving and Doing Good to Enemies
Quest. I. Whom must I account an enemy, and love under that name?
Answ. 1. Not every one that is angry with you, or that giveth you foul words, or that undervalueth you, or that speaketh against you, or that doth you wrong; but he that hateth you, and seeketh or desireth your destruction or your hurt as such designedly. 2. And no man must be taken for such, that doth not manifest it, or by whom you cannot prove it. 3. But if you have reasonable suspicion you may carry yourself the more warily for your own preservation, lest he should prove your enemy, and his designs should take you unprovided.
Quest. II. With what kind of love must an enemy be loved, and on what accounts?
Answ. Primarily with a love of complacence, for all the good which is in him, natural or moral: he must be loved as man for the goodness of his nature; and his understanding and virtues must be acknowledged as freely, and loved as fully, as if he were no enemy of ours: enmity must not blind and pervert our judgment of him, and hinder us from discerning all that is amiable in him; nor must it corrupt our affections, and hinder us from loving it and him. 2. Secondarily we must love him with a love of benevolence, desiring him all that happiness which we desire to ourselves, and endeavouring it according to our opportunities.
Quest. III. Must I desire that God will pardon and save him, while he repenteth not of the wrong he doth me; and being impenitent, is uncapable of pardon?
Answ. 1. You must desire at once that God will give him repentance and forgiveness. 2. If he be impenitent in a state and life of ungodliness, or in a known and wilful sin, he is indeed uncapable of God's pardon and salvation in that case: but if you know him not to be ungodly, and if mistake or passion only, or some personal offence or falling out, have made him your enemy, and you are not sure that the enmity is so predominant as to exclude all true charity; or if he think you to be a bad person, and be your enemy on that account, you must pray for his pardon and salvation, though he should not particularly repent.
Quest. IV. What if he be my enemy upon the account of religion, and so an enemy to God?
Answ. 1. There are too many who have too much enmity to each other, upon the account of different opinions and parties in religion, in an erroneous zeal for godliness, who are not to be taken for enemies to God. What acts of hostility have in this age been used by several sects of zealous christians against each other! 2. If you know them to be enemies of God and godliness, you must hate their sin, and love their humanity and all that is good in them, and wish their repentance, welfare, and salvation.
Quest. V. What must I do for an enemy's good, when my benefits are but like to imbolden, encourage, and enable him to do hurt to me or others?
Answ. 1. Usually kindness tendeth to convince and melt an enemy, and to hinder him from doing hurt. 2. Such ways of kindness must be chosen, as do most engage an enemy to returns of kindness, without giving him ability or opportunity to do mischief in case he prove implacable. You may show him kindness, without putting a sword into his hand. Prudence will determine of the way of benefits, upon consideration of circumstances.
Quest. VI. May I not defend myself against an enemy, and hurt him in my own defence? And may I not wish him as much hurt as I may do him?
Answ. When you can save yourself by fair words, or flight, or some tolerable loss, without resisting him to his hurt, you should rather choose it, and "resist not evil," Matt. v. 39. When you cannot do so, you must defend yourself with as little hurt to your enemy as you can. And if you cannot save yourself from a lesser hurt, without doing him a greater, you must rather suffer it.
Object. But if I hurt him in my own defence, it is his own fault.
Answ. So it may, and yet be yours too: you are bound to charity to your enemy, and not to justice only.
Object. But if I run away from him, or resist him not, it will be my dishonour; and I may defend my honour as well as my life.
Answ. Such objections and reasonings (which the Jesuits use against Jesus) were fitter for the mouth of an atheist than of a christian. It is pride which setteth so much by the esteem of men, yea, of bad and foolish men, as to plead honour for uncharitableness: and the voice of pride is the voice of the devil, contrary to him "who made himself of no reputation," Phil. ii. 7, 8, and submitted to be arrayed in a garb of mockery, and led out with scorn like a fool, and bowed to, and buffeted, and spit upon, and crucified; who calleth to us to learn of him to be meek and lowly, and to deny ourselves, and take up the cross, (which is shameful suffering,) if we will be his disciples, Matt. xi. 28, 29; Luke xiv. 30-33. To every christian it is the greatest honour to be like Jesus Christ, and to excel in charity. It is a greater dishonour to want love to an enemy, than to fly from him, or not resist him. He that teacheth otherwise, and maketh sin honourable, and the imitation and obedience of Christ to be more dishonourable, doth preach up pride, and preach down charity, and doth preach for the devil against Jesus Christ; and therefore should neither call himself a Jesuit nor a christian.
Yea more, if the person that would hurt or kill you, be one that is of more worth and usefulness as to the public good, you should rather suffer by him, or be slain by him, than you should equally hurt him or kill him in your own defence. As if the king of another kingdom that hath no authority over you, (for of your own there is no question,) should assault you; or any one whose death would be a greater loss than yours. For the public good is better than your own.
And it will not always hold, that you may wish another as much hurt as you may do him: for in defending yourself, you may sometimes blamelessly do more hurt than you were willing to do. And you must never wish your enemies hurt as such, but only as a necessary means of good, as of preservation of himself, or you, or others.
Quest. VII. Must kings and states love their enemies? How then can war be lawful?
Answ. Kings and states are bound to it as much as private men; and therefore must observe the foresaid law of love as well as others. Therefore they must raise no war unnecessarily, nor for any cause be it never so just in itself, when the benefits of the war are not like to be a greater good, than the war will bring hurt both to friends and foes set together. A lawful offensive war is almost like a true general council: on certain suppositions such a thing may be; but whether ever the world saw such a thing, or whether ever such suppositions will come to existence, is the question.
Tit. 2. Motives to Love and do Good to Enemies
Motive I. God loveth his enemies, and doth them good; and he is our best exemplar. Matt. v. 44, 45, "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; that ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."
Motive II. Jesus Christ was incarnate to set us a pattern, especially of this virtue: he sought the salvation of his enemies; he went up and down doing good among them. He died for his enemies: he prayeth for them even in his sufferings on the cross: he wept over them when he foresaw their ruin. When he was reviled, he reviled not again. This is the pattern which we must imitate.
Motive III. God loved even us ourselves when we were his enemies; or else what had become of us? And Christ died even for us, as enemies, to reconcile us by his death to God, Rom. v. 9, 10. Therefore we are specially obliged to this duty.
Motive IV. To be God's enemies is to be wicked and unlovely; so that in such God could see nothing amiable, but our nature and those poor remainders of virtue in it, and our capacity of being made better by his grace; and yet he then loved us: but to be an enemy to you or me, is not to be ungodly or wicked as such; it is an enmity but against a vile, unworthy worm, and therefore is a smaller fault.
Motive V. We do more against ourselves than any enemy or devils, and yet we love ourselves; why then should we not love another who doth less against us.
Motive VI. All that is of God and is good must be loved; but there may be much of God, and much natural and moral good, in some enemies of ours.
Motive VII. To love an enemy signifieth a mind that is impartial, and loveth purely on God's account, and for goodness' sake; but the contrary showeth a selfish mind, that loveth only on his own account.
Motive VIII. If you love only those that love you, you do no more than the worst man in the world may do; but christians must do more than others, Matt. v. 47; or else they must expect no more than others.
Motive IX. Loving and doing good to enemies is the way to win them and to save them. If there be any spark of true humanity left in them, they will love you when they perceive indeed that you love them. A man can hardly continue long to hate him whom he perceiveth unfeignedly to love him. And this will draw him to love religion for your sake, when he discerneth the fruits of it.
Motive X. If he be implacable, it will put you into a condition fit for God to own you in, and to judge you according to your innocency. These two together contain the sense of "heaping coals of fire on his head: " that is, q. d. If he be not implacable, you will melt and win him; and if he be implacable, you will engage God in your cause, who best knoweth when and how to revenge.
Tit. 3. Directions for Loving and doing Good to Enemies
Direct. I. Make no man your enemy, so far as you can avoid it: for though you may pretend to love him when he is your enemy, you have done contrary to love in making him your enemy; for thereby he is deprived of his own love to you. And if his charity be his best commodity, then he that robbeth him (though he be never so culpable himself) hath done that which belongeth to the worst of enemies; it is a thousand times greater hurt and loss to him, to lose his own love to others, than to lose another's love to him: and therefore to make him hate you, is more injurious or hurtful to him, than to hate him.
Direct. II. Take not those for your enemies that are not, and believe not any one to be your enemy, till cogent evidence constrain you. Take heed therefore of ill, suspicious, and ungrounded censures; except defensively so far only as to secure yourselves or others from a possible hurt.
Direct. III. Be not desirous or inquisitive to know what men think or say of you (unless in some special case where your duty or safety requireth it). For if they say well of you, it is a temptation to pride; and if they say ill of you, it may abate your love and tend to enmity. "Also take no heed to all words that are spoken, lest thou hear thy servant curse thee: for ofttimes also thy own heart knoweth, that thou thyself likewise hast cursed (or spoken evil of) others," Eccles. vii. 21. It is strange to see how the folly of men is pleased with their own temptations.
Direct. IV. Frown away those flatterers and whisperers who would aggravate other men's enmity to you or injuries against you, and think to please you by telling you needlessly of other men's wrongs. While they seem to show themselves enemies to your enemies, indeed they show themselves enemies consequently to yourselves; for it is your destruction that they endeavour in the destruction of your love. "If a whisperer separate chief friends," Prov. xvi. 28, much more may he abate your love to enemies: let him therefore be entertained as he deserveth.
Direct. V. Study, and search, and hearken after all the good which is in your enemies. For nothing will he the object of your love, but some discerned good. Hearken not to them that would extenuate and hide the good that is in them.
Direct. VI. Consider much how capable your enemy (and God's enemy) is of being better. And for aught you know God may make him much better than yourselves! Remember Paul's case. And when such a one is converted, forethink how penitent and humble, how thankful and holy, how useful and serviceable he may be; and love him as he is capable of becoming so lovely to God and man.
Direct. VII. Hide not your love to your enemies, and let not your minds be satisfied that you are conscious that you love them; but manifest it to them by all just and prudent means; for else you are so uncharitable as to leave them in their enmity, and not to do your part to cure it. If you could help them against hunger and nakedness, and will not, how can you truly say you love them? And if you could help them against malice and uncharitableness, and will not, how can you think but this is worse? If they knew that you love them unfeignedly, as you say you do, it is two to one but they would abate their enmity.
Direct. VIII. Be not unnecessarily strange to your enemies, but be as familiar with them as well as you can. For distance and strangeness cherish suspicious and false reports, and enmity; and converse in kind familiarity, hath a wonderful power to reconcile.
Direct. IX. Abhor above all enemies that pride of heart, which scorneth to stoop to others for love and peace. It is a devilish language to say, Shall I stoop or crouch to such a fellow? I scorn to be so base. Humility must teach you to give place to the pride and wrath of others, and to confess it when you have wronged them, and ask them forgiveness: and if they have done the wrong to you, yet must you not refuse to be the first movers and seekers for reconciliation. Though I know that this rule hath some exceptions; as when the enemies of religion or us are so malicious and implacable, that they will but make a scorn of our submission, and in other cases, when it is like to do more harm than good, it is then lawful to retire ourselves from malice.
Direct. X. However, let the enmity be in them alone: watch your own hearts with a double carefulness, as knowing what your temptation is; and see that you love them, whether they will love you or not.
Direct. XI. Do all the good for them that lawfully you can; for benefits melt and reconcile: and hold on though ingratitude discourage you.
Direct. XII. Do them good first in those things that they are most capable of valuing and relishing; that is (ordinarily) in corporal commodities: or if it be not in your power to do it yourselves, provoke others to do it (if there be need). And then they will be prepared for greater benefits.
Direct. XIII. But stop not in your enemy's corporal good, and in his reconciliation to yourself; for then it will appear to be all but a selfish design which you are about. But labour to reconcile him to God, and save his soul, and then it will appear to be the love of God, and him that moved you.
Direct. XIV. But still remember that you are not bound to love an enemy as a friend, but as a man so qualified as he is; nor to love a wicked man, who is an enemy to godliness, as if he were a godly man; but only as one that is capable of being godly. This precept of loving enemies was never intended for the levelling all men in our love.