"José," she said, "what in the world possesses you to speak to me this way? Have you any right to assume this attitude—merely because I flirted with you as harmlessly—or meant it harmlessly—"
She glanced involuntarily across the studio where the others had gathered over the new collection of mezzotints, and at her glance Neville raised his head and smiled at her, and encountered Querida's expressionless gaze.
For a moment Querida turned his head away, and Valerie saw that his face was pale and sinister.
"José," she said, "are you insane to take our innocent affair so seriously? What in the world has come over you? We have been such excellent friends. You have been just as nice as you could be, so gay and inconsequential, so witty, so jolly, such good company!—and now, suddenly, out of a perfectly clear sky your wrath strikes me like lightning!"
"My anger is like that."
"José!" she exclaimed, incredulously.
He showed the edge of perfect teeth again, but she was not sure that he was smiling. Then he laughed gently.
"Oh," she said in relief—"you really startled me."
"I won't do it again, Valerie." She looked at him, still uncertain, fascinated by her uncertainty.
The colour—as much as he ever had—returned to his face; he reached over for a cigarette, lighted it, smiled at her charmingly.
"I was just lonely without you," he said. "Like an unreasonable child I brooded over it and—" he shrugged, "it suddenly went to my head. Will you forgive my bad temper?"
"Yes—I will. Only I never knew you had a temper. It—astonishes me."
He said nothing, smilingly.
"Of course," she went on, still flushed, "I knew you were impulsive—hot-headed—but I know you like me—"
"I was crazily in love with you," he said, lightly; "and when you let me touch you—"
"Oh, I won't ever again, José!" she exclaimed, half-fearfully; "I supposed you understood that sentiment could be a perfectly meaningless and harmless thing—merely a silly moment—a foolish interlude in a sober friendship…. And I liked you, José—"
"Can you still like me?"
"Y-yes. Why, of course—if you'll let me."
"Shall we be the same excellent friends, Valerie? And all this ill temper of mine will be forgotten?"
"I'll try…. Yes, why not? I do like you, and I admire you tremendously."
His eyes rested on her a moment; he inhaled a deep breath from his cigarette, expelled it, nodded.
"I'll try to win back all your friendship for me," he said, pleasantly.
"That will be easy. I want you to like me. I want to be able to like you…. I shall have need of friends," she said half to herself, and looked across at Neville with a face tranquil, almost expressionless save for the sensitive beauty of the mouth.
After a moment Querida, too, lifted his head and gazed deliberately at Neville. Then very quietly:
"Are you dining alone this evening?"
"No."
"Oh. Perhaps to-morrow evening, then—"
"I'm afraid not, José."
He smiled: "Not dining alone ever again?"
"Not—for the present."
"I see."
"There is nothing to see," she said calmly. But his smile seemed now so genuine that it disarmed her; and she blushed when he said:
"Am I to wish you happiness, Valerie? Is that the trouble?"
"Certainly. Please wish it for me always—as I do for you—and for everybody."
But he continued to laugh, and the colour in her face persisted, annoying her intensely.
"Nevertheless," he said, "I do not believe you can be hopelessly in love."
"What ever put such an idea into that cynical head of yours?"
"Chance," he said. "But you are not irrevocably in love. You are ignorant of what love can really mean. Only he who understands it—and who has suffered through it—can ever teach you. And you will never be satisfied until he does."'
"Are you very wise concerning love, José?" she asked, laughing.
"Perhaps. You will desire to be, too, some day. A good school, an accomplished scholar."
"And the schoolmaster? Oh! José!"
They both were laughing now—he with apparent pleasure in her coquetry and animation, she still a little confused and instinctively on her guard.
Rita came strolling over, a tiny cigarette balanced between her slender fingers:
"Stop flirting, José," she said; "it's too near dinner time. Valerie, child, I'm dining with the unspeakable John again. It's a horrid habit. Can't you prescribe for me? José, what are you doing this evening?"
"Penance," he said; "I'm dining with my family."
"Penance," she repeated with a singular look—"well—that's one way of regarding the pleasure of having any family to dine with—isn't it, Valerie?"
"José didn't mean it that way."
Rita blew a ring from her cigarette's glimmering end.
"Will you be at home this evening, Valerie?"
"Y-yes … rather late."
"Too late to see me?"
"No, you dear girl. Come at eleven, anyway. And if I'm a little late you'll forgive me, won't you?"
"No, I won't," said Rita, crossly. "You and I are business women, anyway, and eleven is too late for week days. I'll wait until I can see you, sometime—"
"Was it anything important, dear?"
"Not to me."
Querida rose, took his leave of Valerie and Rita, went over and made his adieux to his host and the others. When he had gone Rita, standing alone with Valerie beside the tea table, said in a low voice:
"Don't do it, Valerie!"
"Do—what?" asked the girl in astonishment.
"Fall in love."
Valerie laughed.
"Do you mean with Querida?"
"No."
"Then—what do you mean?"
"You're on the edge of doing it, child. It isn't wise. It won't do for us…. I know—I know, Valerie, more than you know about—love. Listen to me. Don't! Go away—go somewhere; drop everything and go, if you've any sense left. I'll go with you if you will let me…. I'll do anything for you, dear. Only listen to me before it's too late; keep your self-control; keep your mind clear on this one thing, that love is of no use to us—no good to us. And if you think you suspect its presence in your neighbourhood, get away from it; pick up your skirts and run, Valerie…. You've plenty of time to come back and wonder what you ever could have seen in the man to make you believe you could fall in love with him."
Ogilvy, strolling up, stood looking sentimentally at the two young girls.
"A—perfect—pair—of precious—priceless—peaches," he said; "I'd love to be a Turk with an Oriental smirk and an ornamental dirk, and a tendency to shirk when the others go to work; for the workers I can't bear 'em and I'd rather run a harem—"
"No doubt," said Rita, coldly; "so you need not explain to me the rather lively young lady I met in the corridor looking for studio number ten—"
"Rita! Zuleika! Star of my soul! Jewel of my turban! Do you entertain suspicions—"
"Oh, you probably did the entertaining—"
"I? Heaven! How I am misunderstood! John Burleson! Come over here and tell this very charming young lady all about that somewhat conspicuous vision from a local theatre who came floating into my studio by accident while in joyous quest of you!"
But Annan only laughed, and Rita shrugged her disdain. But as she nodded adieu to Valerie, the latter saw a pinched look in her face, and did not understand it.
CHAPTER IX
The world, and his own family, had always been inclined to love Louis Neville, and had advanced no farther than the inclination. There were exceptions.
Archie Allaire, who hated him, discussing him floridly once with Querida at the Thumb-tack Club in the presence of a dozen others, characterised him as "one of those passively selfish snobs whose virtues are all negative and whose modesty is the mental complacency of an underdone capon."
He was sharply rebuked by Ogilvy, Annan, and Burleson; skilfully by Querida—so adroitly indeed that his amiable and smiling apology for the absent painter produced a curiously depressing effect upon Ogilvy and Annan, and even left John Burleson dully uncomfortable, although Allaire had been apparently well drubbed.
"All the same," said Allaire with a sneer to Querida after the others had departed, "Neville is really a most frightful snob. Like a busy bacillus surrounded by a glass tube full of prepared culture, he exists in his own intellectual exudations perfectly oblivious to the miseries and joys of the world around him. He hasn't time for anybody except himself."
Querida laughed: "What has Neville done to you, my friend?"
"To me?" repeated Allaire with a shrug. "Oh, nothing. It isn't that…. All the same when I had my exhibition at the Monson Galleries I went to him and said, 'See here, Neville, I've got some Shoe-trust and Button-trust women to pour tea for me. Now you know a lot of fashionable people and I want my tea-pourers to see them, and I want the papers to say that they've been to a private view of my exhibition.'
"He gave me one of those absent-treatment stares and said he'd tell all the really interesting people he knew; and the damnedest lot of scrubby, dowdy, down-at-the-heels tatterdemalions presented his card at my private view that you ever saw outside an artist's rathskeller, a lower Fifth Avenue reception, or a varnishing day! By God, I can go to the bread-line and get that sort of lookers myself—and I don't care whether his bunch came from Tenth Street Colonial stock or the Washington Square nobility or the landed gentry of Chelsea or from the purlieus of the Bronx, which is where they apparently belong! I can get that kind myself. I wanted automobiles and broughams and clothes, and I got one sea-going taxi, and the dirty end of the stick! And to cap the climax he strolled in himself with a girl whose face is familiar to everybody who looks at bath tubs in the back of the magazines—Valerie West! And I want to tell you I couldn't look my Shoe-trust tea-pourers in the face; and they're so mad that I haven't got an order out of them since."
Querida laughed till the tears stood in his big, velvety, almond-shaped eyes.
"Why didn't you come to me?" he said.
"Tell you the truth, Querida, I would have if I'd known then that you were painting portraits of half of upper Fifth Avenue. Besides," he added, naïvely, "that was before I began to see you in the grand tier at the opera every week."
"It was before I sat anywhere except in the gallery," said Querida with a humorous shrug. "Until this winter I knew nobody, either. And very often I washed my own handkerchiefs and dried them on the window pane. I had only fame for my laundress and notoriety for my butcher."
"Hey?" said Allaire, a trifle out of countenance.
"It is very true. It cost me so much to paint and frame my pictures that the prices they brought scarcely paid for models and materials." He added, pleasantly: "I have dined more often on a box of crackers and a jar of olives than at a table set with silver and spread with linen." He laughed without affectation or bitterness:
"It has been a long road, Allaire—from a stable-loft studio to—" he shrugged—"the 'Van Rypens' grand tier box, for example."
"How in God's name did you do it?" inquired Allaire, awed to the momentary obliteration of envy.
"I—painted," said Querida, smiling.
"Sure. I know that. I suppose it was the hellish row made over your canvases last winter that did the trick."
Querida's eyes were partly closed as though in retrospection. "Also," he said, softly, "I painted a very fashionable woman—for nothing—and to her entire satisfaction."
"That's the real thing, isn't it?"
"I'm afraid so…. Make two or three unlovely and unlovable old ladies lovely and lovable—on canvas—for nothing. Then society will let you slap its powdered and painted face—yes—permit you—other liberties—if only you will paint it and sign your canvases and ask them a wicked price for what you give them and—for what they yield to you."
Allaire's ruddy face grew ruddier; he grinned and passed a muscular hand over his thick, handsome, fox-tinted hair.
"I wish I could get next," he said with a hard glance at Querida. "I'd sting 'em."
"I would be very glad to introduce you to anybody I know," observed the other.
"Do you mean that?"
"Why not. A man who has waited as I have for opportunity understands what others feel who are still waiting."
"That's damn square of you, Querida."
"Oh, no, not square; just natural. The public table is big enough for everybody."
Allaire thought a moment, slowly caressing his foxy hair.
"After all," he said with a nervous snicker, "you needn't be afraid of anybody. Nobody can paint like you…. But I'd like to get a look in, Querida. I've got to make a little money in one way or another—" he added impudently—"and if I can't paint well enough to sting them, there's always the chance of marrying one of 'em."
Querida laughed: "Any man can always marry any woman. There's no trick in getting any wife you want."
"Sure," grinned Allaire; "a wife is a cinch; it's the front row that keeps good men guessing." He glanced at Querida, his gray-green eyes brimming with an imprudent malice he could not even now deny himself—"Also the backs of the magazines keep one guessing," he added, carelessly; "and I've the patience of a tom-cat, myself."
Querida's beautifully pencilled eyebrows were raised interrogatively.
"Oh, I'll admit that the little West girl kept me sitting on back fences until some other fellow threw a bottle at me," said Allaire with a disagreeable laugh. He had come as near as he dared to taunting Querida and, afraid at the last moment, had turned the edge of it on himself.
Querida lighted a cigarette and blew a whiff of smoke toward the ceiling.
"I've an idea," he said, lazily, "that somebody is trying to marry her."
"Forget it," observed Allaire in contempt. "She wouldn't stand for the sort who marry her kind. She'll land hard on her neck one of these days, and the one best bet will be some long-faced Botticelli with heavenly principles and the moral stability of a tumbler pigeon. Then there'll be hell to pay; but he will get over it and she'll get aboard the toboggan. That's the way it ends, Querida."
Querida sipped his coffee and glanced out of the club window. From the window he could see the roof of the studio building where Neville lived. And he wondered how far Valerie was from that building at the present moment, wondered, and sipped his coffee.
He was a man whose career had been builded upon perseverance. He had begun life by slaying every doubt. And his had been a bitter life; but he had suffered smilingly; the sordid struggle along the edges of starvation had hardened nothing of his heart.
Sensitive, sympathetic, ardent, proud, and ambitious with the quiet certainty of a man predestined, he had a woman's capacity for patience, for suffering, and for concealment, but not for mercy. And he cared passionately for love as he did for beauty—had succumbed to both in spirit oftener than in the caprice of some inconsequential amourette.
But never, until he came to know Valerie West, had a living woman meant anything vital to his happiness. Yet, what she aroused in him was that part of his nature to which he himself was a stranger—a restless, sensuous side which her very isolation and exposure to danger seemed to excite the more until desire to control her, to drive others away, to subdue, master, mould her, make her his own, obsessed him. And he had tried it and failed; and had drawn aside, fiercely, still watching and determined.
Some day he meant to marry properly. He had never doubted his ability to do so even in the sordid days. But there was no hurry, and life was young, and so was Valerie West—young enough, beautiful enough to bridge the years with him until his ultimate destiny awaited him.
And all was going well again with him until that New-year's night; and matters had gone ill with him since then—so ill that he could not put the thought of it from him, and her beauty haunted him—and the expression of Neville's eyes!—
But he remained silent, quiet, alert, watching and waiting with all his capacity for enduring. And he had now something else to watch—something that his sensitive intuition had divined in a single unfinished canvas of Neville's.
So far there had been but one man supreme in the new world as a great painter of sunlight and of women. There could not be two. And he already felt the approach of a shadow menacing the glory of his sunlight—already stood alert and fixedly observant of a young man who had painted something disquieting into an unfinished canvas.
That man and the young girl whom he had painted to the astonishment and inward disturbance of José Querida, were having no easy time in that new world which they had created for themselves.
Embarked upon an enterprise in the management of which they were neither in accord nor ever seemed likely to be, they had, so far, weathered the storms of misunderstandings and the stress of prejudice. Blindly confident in Love, they were certain, so far, that it was Love itself that they worshipped no matter what rites and ceremonies each one observed in its adoration. Yet each was always attempting to convert the other to the true faith; and there were days of trouble and of tears and of telephones.
Neville presented a frightfully complex problem to Valerie West.
His even-tempered indifference to others—an indifference which had always characterised him—had left only a wider and deeper void now filling with his passion for her.
They were passing through a maze of cross-purposes; his ardent and exacting intolerance of any creed and opinion save his own was ever forcing her toward a more formal and literal appreciation of what he was determined must become a genuine and formal engagement—which attitude on his part naturally produced clash after clash between them.
That he entertained so confidently the conviction of her ultimate surrender to convention, at moments vexed her to the verge of anger. At times, too, his disposition to interfere with her liberty tried her patience. Again and again she explained to him the unalterable fundamentals of their pact. These were, first of all, her refusal to alienate him from his family and his own world; second, her right to her own individuality and freedom to support herself without interference or unrequested assistance from him; third, absolute independence of him in material matters and the perfect liberty of managing her own little financial affairs without a hint of dependence on him either before or after the great change.
That she posed only in costume now did not satisfy him. He did not wish her to pose at all; and they discussed various other theatres for her business activity. But she very patiently explained to him that she found, in posing for interesting people, much of the intellectual pleasure that he and other men found in painting; that the life and the environment, and the people she met, made her happy; and that she could not expect to meet cultivated people in any other way.
"I don't want to learn stenography and take dictation in a stuffy office, dear," she pleaded. "I don't want to sit all day in a library where people whisper about books. I don't want to teach in a public school or read novels to invalids, or learn how to be a trained nurse and place thermometers in people's mouths. I like children pretty well but I don't want to be a governess and teach other people's children; I want to be taught myself; I want to learn—I'm a sort of a child, too, dear; and it's the familiarity with wiser people and brighter people and pleasant surroundings that has made me as happy as I am—given me what I never had as a child. You don't understand, but I'm having my childhood now—nursery, kindergarten, parties, boarding-school, finishing school, début—all concentrated into this happy year of being among gay, clever, animated people."
"Yet you will not let me take you into a world which is still pleasanter—"
And the eternal discussion immediately became inevitable, tiring both with its earnestness and its utter absence of a common ground. Because in him apparently remained every vital germ of convention and of generations of training in every precept of formality; and in her—for with Valerie West adolescence had arrived late—that mystery had been responsible for far-reaching disturbances consequent on the starved years of self-imprisonment, of exaltations suppressed, of fears and doubts and vague desires and dreams ineffable possessing the silence of a lonely soul.
And so, essentially solitary, inevitably lonely, out of her own young heart and an untrained mind she was evolving a code of responsibility to herself and to the world.
Her ethics and her morals were becoming what wide, desultory, and unrestrained reading was making them; her passion for happiness and for truth, her restless intelligence, were prematurely forming her character. There was no one in authority to tell her—check, guide, or direct her in the revolt from dogmatism, pedantry, sophistry and conventionalism. And by this path youthful intelligence inevitably passes, incredulous of snare and pitfall where lie the bones of many a savant under magic blossoms nourished by creeds long dead.
"To bring no sorrow to any one, Louis—that is the way I am trying to live," she said, seriously.
"You are bringing it to me."
"If that is so—then I had better depart as I came and leave you in peace."
"It's too late."
"Perhaps it is not. Shall we try it?"
"Could you recover?"
"I don't know. I am willing to try for your sake."
"Do you want to?" he asked, almost angrily.
"I am not thinking of myself, Louis."
"I want you to. I don't want you not to think about yourself all the time."
She made a hopeless gesture, opening her arms and turning her palms outward:
"Kelly Neville! What do you suppose loving you means to me?"
"Don't you think of yourself at all when you love me?"
"Why—I suppose I do—in a way. I know I'm fortunate, happy—I—" She glanced up shyly—"I am glad that I am—loved—"
"You darling!"
She let him take her into his arms, suffered his caress, looking at him in silence out of eyes as dark and clear and beautiful as brown pools in a forest.
"You're just a bad, spoiled, perverse little kid, aren't you?" he said, rumpling her hair.
"You say so."
"Breaking my heart because you won't marry me."
"No, breaking my own because you don't really love me enough, yet."
"I love you too much—"
"That is literary bosh, Louis."
"Good God! Can't you ever understand that I'm respectable enough to want you for my wife?"
"You mean that you want me for what I do not wish to be. And you decline to love me unless I turn into a selfish, dependent, conventional nonentity, which you adore because respectable. Is that what you mean?"
"I want the laws of civilisation to safeguard you," he persisted patiently.
"I need no more protection than you need. I am not a baby. I am not afraid. Are you?"
"That is not the question—"
"Yes it is, dear. I stand in no fear. Why do you wish to force me to do what I believe would be a wrong to you? Can't you respect my disreputable convictions?"
"They are theories—not convictions—"
"Oh, Kelly, I'm so tired of hearing you say that!"
"I should think you would be, you little imp of perversity!"
"I am…. And I wonder how I can love you just as much, as though you were kind and reasonable and—and minded your own business, dear."
"Isn't it my business to tell the girl to whom I'm engaged what I believe to be right?"
"Yes; and it's her business to tell you" she said, smiling; and put her arms higher so that they slipped around his neck for a moment, then were quickly withdrawn.
"What a thoroughly obstinate boy you are!" she exclaimed. "We're wasting such lots of time in argument when it's all so very simple. Your soul is your own to develop; mine is mine. Noli, me tangere!"
But he was not to be pacified; and presently she went away to pour their tea, and he followed and sat down in an armchair near the fire, brooding gaze fixed on the coals.
They had tea in hostile silence; he lighted a cigarette, but presently flung it into the fire without smoking.
She said: "You know, Louis, if this is really going to be an unhappiness to you, instead of a happiness beyond words, we had better end it now." She added, with an irrepressible laugh, partly nervous, "Your happiness seems to be beyond words already. Your silence is very eloquent…. I think I'll take my doll and go home."
She rose, stood still a moment looking at him where he sat, head bent, staring into the coals; then a swift tenderness filled her eyes; her sensitive lips quivered; and she came swiftly to him and took his head into her arms.
"Dear," she whispered, "I only want to do the best for you. Let me try in my own way. It's all for you—everything I do or think or wish or hope is for you. Even I myself was made merely for you."
Sideways on the arm of his chair, she stooped down, laying her cheek against his, drawing his face closer.
"I am so hopelessly in love with you," she murmured; "if I make mistakes, forgive me; remember only that it is because I love you enough to die for you very willingly."
He drew her down into his arms. She was never quick to respond to the deeper emotions in him, but her cheeks and throat were flushed now, and, as his embrace enclosed her, she responded with a sudden flash of blind passion—a moment's impulsive self-surrender to his lips and arms—and drew away from him dazed, trembling, shielding her face with one arm.
All that the swift contact was awakening in him turned on her fiercely now; in his arms again she swayed, breathless, covering her face with desperate hands, striving to comprehend, to steady her senses, to reason while pulses and heart beat wildly and every vein ran fire.
"No—" she stammered—"this is—is wrong—wrong! Louis, I beg you, to remember what I am to you…. Don't kiss me again—I ask you not to—I pray that you won't…. We are—I am—engaged to you, dear…. Oh—it is wrong—wrong, now!—all wrong between us!"
"Valerie," he stammered, "you care nothing for any law—nor do I—now—"
"I do! You don't understand me! Let me go. Louis—you don't love me enough…. This—this is madness—wickedness!—you can't love me! You don't—you can't!"
"I do love you, Valerie—"
"No—no—or you would let me go!—or you would not kiss me again—"
She freed herself, breathless, crimson with shame and anger, avoiding his eyes, and slipped out of his embrace to her knees, sank down on the rug at his feet, and laid her head against the chair, breathing fast, both small hands pressed to her breast.
For a few minutes he let her lie so; then, stooping over her, white lipped, trembling:
"What can you expect if we sow the wind?"
She began to cry, softly: "You don't understand—you never have understood!"
"I understand this: that I am ready to take you in your way, now. I cannot live without you, and I won't. I care no longer how I take you, or when, or where, as long as I can have you for mine, to keep for ever, to love, to watch over, to worship…. Dear—will you speak to me?"
She shook her head, desolately, where it lay now against his knees, amid its tumbled hair.
Then he asked again for her forgiveness—almost fiercely, for passion still swayed him with every word. He told her he loved her, adored her, could not endure life without her; that he was only too happy to take her on any terms she offered.
"Louis," she said in a voice made very small and low by the crossed arms muffling her face, "I am wondering whether you will ever know what love is."
"Have I not proved that I love you?"
"I—don't know what it is you have proved…. We were engaged to each other—and—and—"
"I thought you cared nothing for such conventions!"
She began to cry again, silently.
"Valerie—darling—"
"No—you don't understand," she sobbed.
"Understand what, dearest—dearest—
"That I thought our love was its own protection—and mine."
He made no answer.
She knelt there silent for a little while, then put her hand up appealingly for his handkerchief.
"I have been very happy in loving you," she faltered; "I have promised you all there is of myself. And you have already had my best self. The rest—whatever it is—whatever happens to me—I have promised—so that there will be nothing of this girl called Valerie West which is not all yours—all, all—every thought, Louis, every pulse-beat—mind, soul, body…. But no future day had been set; I had thought of none as yet. Still—since I knew I was to be to you what I am to be, I have been very busy preparing for it—mind, soul, my little earthly possessions, my personal affairs in their small routine…. No bride in your world, busy with her trousseau, has been a happier dreamer than have I, Louis. You don't know how true I have tried to be to myself, and to the truth as I understand it—as true as I have been to you in thought and deed…. And, somehow, what threatened—a moment since—frightens me, humiliates me—"
She lifted her head and looked up at him with dimmed eyes:
"You were untrue to yourself, Louis—to your own idea of truth. And you were untrue to me. And for the first time I look at you, ashamed and shamed."
"Yes," he said, very white.
"Why did you offer our love such an insult?" she asked.
He made no answer.
"Was it because, in your heart, you hold a girl lightly who promised to give herself to you for your own sake, renouncing the marriage vows?"
"No! Good God—"
"Then—is it because you do not yet love me enough? For I shall not give myself to you until you do."
He hung his head.
"I think that is it," she said, sorrowfully.
"No. I'm no good," he said. "And that's the truth, Valerie." A dark flush stained his face and he turned it away, sitting there in silence, his tense clasp tightening on the arms of the chair. Then he said, still not meeting her eyes:
"Whatever your beliefs are you practice them; you are true to your convictions, loyal to yourself. I am only a miserable, rotten specimen of man who is true to nothing—not even to himself. I'm not worth your trouble, Valerie."
"Louis!"
"Well, what am I?" he demanded in fierce disgust. "I have told you that I believe in the conventions—and I violate every one of them. I'm a spectacle for gods and men!" His face was stern with self-disgust: he forced himself to meet her gaze, wincing under it; but he went on: