all your depressions
all your remissions
But all these weeks and months
don't define you
you're better than you think you are
The war in the room
begins
The war for two
for the weakest
for the strongest
for peaceful
and bellicose
but it all had to be left on the battlefield
but the living room
the bedroom turned to battleground
The child hides under the bed
and the monsters hug him over his shoulders
they are his best friends
they protect him
while his dad draws out his swords and spears
While they're fighting the war in the room
I have got a lot to say
about men
who betrayed me
who attacked my mom
who ruined decades of my grandmother's life
About men
who killed my friend
About men
who insulted my classmate
About men
Who take us for granted
About men
who
thought they had access to my hidden body
sparks of anger and aggression flickered in their eyes
when I opened my mouth to say something,
something that a good woman shouldn't say
because they expect me to look at the floor
to agree
but I keep both feet on the ground
and I show my claws
When I speak out loud he – gets angry
When I am silent – he gets angry
When I sit quietly next to him – he gets angry
When I'm not here – he gets angry
He would be happy only if I didn’t exist.
When I disagree – he is upset.
When I agree – he says that I am too accommodating.
When I don't give a damn – he gets offended.
But when I care – he says it's not worth trying.
He says everything is fine
but nothing is okay as long as women live in this uncertain world of double standards.
I am to blame myself
I came to him myself
I undressed myself
I made him do it .
I provoked him
I'm a provocateur.
I am the worst evil in the flesh
this is what they made me believe
this is my short skirt
when it closes me to my heels
the reason is my neckline
but the truth is that I button all the buttons
The reason is my sight
But I look into the distance
But not at him
this is how they are justified and I am blamed
I should be a good housewife,
but I want to dive into the depths of the Universe.
I must be thin enough,
but I want to eat deliciously and be healthy
I have to be ready
if he wants
but I shouldn't.
My body – my rules
There is the truth.
If I want to be illustrated like a book of fairy tales
So it’s going to be so.
If I want to cut off my hair,
then the scissors are already in my hands.
If I want the balance arrow not to move to a minimum number —
I will gladly take a bigger plate.
These are my rules
This is my life
This is my game
You walk the city roads
I pass by your favourite stores
I’m still learning about you
I’m still studying your Science of being the mature young as you are.
I don't even know if you moved on and maybe that's the reason why your room is filled with darkness.
Maybe someday you'll give me a sign
Your shadow will flash in the light of streetlights outside my yard
And I'll know
that you were here
Give me the sign
Turn off the streetlights
But I'll find you
I'll step on the path that leads me to you
Anyway
Wishing I go out and our gazes meet
Like the first time
I can feel your breath
This is the wind that moves
the trees behind my garden.
Trees that drew pictures in my imagination
when I was little.
It was better than all the fairy tales
I could ever read.
When I was a child and it was the time to go to bed
Trees lined up
It seemed to me they turned into characters
of stories that I always read before falling asleep.
But when I almost did
They seemed to divide and open the way,
the way to the fairy world.
Fireflies circled around
And the mysterious melody was soothing.
They lead me to the castle covered with moss and ivy.
I walked barefoot on the stones
on the bridge paved
with stones
There was wonderful purple river underneath The little boat sailed away
into the distance.
It seemed that this magical world became as real as my room in my house.
The little boat sailed away
all me fears
into the distant horizon.
I can barely remember the sound of your voice.
Unfortunately, I never meant to record it on the cassette.
But I remember breaking into tears there in the dark hall
And now your face is erased by the running time.
I'm running out of time.
As if the puzzle is missing a few pieces
When the puzzle is missing a few pieces
A few details
Where the devil is hiding.
You can't fix it with something else.
There are holes in the whole beautiful picture you can only imagine
what it would look like.
The way I was thinking of what we could have been.
If all the missing pieces would be finally found,
or if they wouldn't be lost.
But the joke is that us is only these empty spaces among the colourful pieces
We are both too small and too big to fit in,
to suit the composition.
They travel to nearby towns
They stay in countryside
But it's not enough just for me.
They watch TV
Every evening after coming home from work
Eating and sipping something
I don't even want to try.
Am I the wrong one?
Do I need to be fixed?
I meet their eyes
when I talk about Universe.
I point to the sky and show them the constellations
They say they never think about the space and time.
It's something I'll never understand
Because I don't understand what it's like
to live on the planet circling around the Giant gas ball.
Around the white sphere
Walking on a piece of Big Bang we call it The Earth.
To breathe the atoms in.
To be made of star dust.
And never think about it.
We should be grateful to this coincidence in space
That created the matter that we are
So we could just live this life every day
according to already known scenario.
The trees outside my window painted your face
And when the wind blows – you smile
The moment that I hoped I knew you
at least a little
Were you doing wrong
leaving me in the middle of the street?
Among the neutral faces
and their issues.
And in the last day of August,
when my birthday came
I was waiting for you to come
I wanted to get a short message
from you.
I used to read your lines you used to text me back
Getting my handwritten letters
filled with epithets
I confessed my feeling to you.
Showing my emotions
showing the pictures you might have never seen
There were writings on the wall
You've been pinned to
And you said I hammer nails in your palm
And when I was choosing my clothes
I thought
Would you like this sweater?
You bet on me as if I was in this game for two.
There was no winning place
And you ended up alone standing on the top
You thought you would win awards and trophies
Your name will be famous
Killing me would make you famous
and put your name in the world
I'm scared to disappoint you but you were wrong
I'm not the best you know
But why don't you tell me to go?
Why don't you slam the door?
If you don't want to see me falling.
If you can't stand me crawling.
I never said you should
take it all for you in your hand
You shouldn't instead
Act like it's good
When it's awfully bad.
Probably I'm out of my head.
Out of my mind.
I'm not much for pretending
it's okay when it's totally not.
The bruises burn my skin
that seems to be so plastic
that seems to be thin.
Seems I give up the fight
for another day
of my weak life.
We moved on to a new place trying to make it our home
It was the best of you.
I liked you just in time
and that's all I did.
And all I've got now is yours
messages that I still read.
You make me feel something I can't explain
I gave you that much
And darling I can even more.
Maybe that'll be alright
If you’ll say
That you won't be lying anymore.
I'm tired of this mindless hope
I'm on the edge
of this hopeless
Romantic war
I just realized
it took some time
to find out that
things were quite right.
Everything was in the place
When the trees touched the sky.
I tried to call you
tried to reach to you
with all my strength.
I wrote a thousand letters.
You said if I could leave you alone
It would be much better.
Don't let me fall down
I want to be back on the ground.
Bricks in the wall
they all make me drown
deeper and deeper.
There's a red light in your evil eyes
You fell under the spell of the devil
Sort of things that every person of your generation do.
She'll give us the sign
As soon as she reaches the place
It’s going to be pouring rain
coming down.
It’s going to be the shining sun looking through the haze.
And if I am another contestant
in your game of darkest sins
I'd rather be the one who lose
Than be the one who takes the winner place
I don't know how to deal with that
It haunts me all the way down
I am my own enemy
I am my own hostage
My mind – my own prison
I'm my own little, lonely town.
The town where the light of long-dead stars is seen brighter in the blue-black skies.
In the burning heaven
I look at
trying to find the answer.
Because all the lights have long gone out
in one moment
as if by the snap of a finger
as if by a wave of the hand.
They say that the fault is in these very stars
They are responsible for all troubles, misfortunes and sorrows,
so why do they die?
We blamed the stars
We blamed receding galaxies for our ever-expanding universe
Where as some scientists say, space and time rule everything.
The stars we blamed
when we misbehaved
Turned to ashes
And believe me
they don't want the same fate for you.
If you ask
then you are still alive
If there is that unsolved riddle you are striving for
then you can still be saved
But what if you know exactly
what it’s like to explode becoming the part of all the great and unattainable and divine?