SCENE II
A Tavern
Young Mirabel and Duretete discovered, risingfrom Table
Y. Mir. Welcome to Paris once more, my dear Captain; we have eat heartily, drank roundly, paid plentifully, and let it go for once. I liked every thing but our women; they looked so lean and tawdry, poor creatures! 'Tis a sure sign the army is not paid. Give me the plump Venetian, brisk, and sanguine, that smiles upon me like the glowing sun, and meets my lips like sparkling wine, her person, shining as the glass, and spirit, like the foaming liquor.
Dur. Ah, Mirabel, Italy I grant you; but for our women here in France, they are such thin, brawn, fallen jades, a man may as well make a bed-fellow of a cane chair.
Y. Mir. France! A light, unseasoned country, nothing but feathers, foppery, and fashions. – There's nothing on this side the Alps worth my humble service t'ye – Ha, Roma la Santa! – Italy for my money! – their customs, gardens, buildings, paintings, music, policies, wine, and women! the paradise of the world! – not pestered with a parcel of precise, old, gouty fellows, that would debar their children every pleasure, that they themselves are past the sense of; – commend me to the Italian familiarity – "Here, son, there's fifty crowns, go, pay your girl her week's allowance."
Dur. Ay, these are your fathers, for you, that understand the necessities of young men! not like our musty dads, who, because they cannot fish themselves, would muddy the water, and spoil the sport of them that can. But now you talk of the plump, what d'ye think of a Dutch woman?
Y. Mir. A Dutch woman's too compact, – nay, every thing among them is so; a Dutch man is thick, a Dutch woman is squab, a Dutch horse is round, a Dutch dog is short, a Dutch ship is broad bottomed; and, in short, one would swear, that the whole product of the country were cast in the same mould with their cheeses.
Dur. Ay, but Mirabel, you have forgot the English ladies.
Y. Mir. The women of England were excellent, did they not take such unsufferable pains to ruin, what nature has made so incomparably well; they would be delicate creatures indeed, could they but thoroughly arrive at the French mien, or entirely let it alone; for they only spoil a very good air of their own, by an awkward imitation of ours. But come, Duretete, let us mind the business in hand; Mistresses we must have, and must take up with the manufacture of the place, and upon a competent diligence, we shall find those in Paris shall match the Italians from top to toe.
Dur. Ay, Mirabel, you will do well enough, but what will become of your friend? you know, I am so plaguy bashful! so naturally an ass upon these occasions, that —
Y. Mir. Pshaw! you must be bolder, man! Travel three years, and bring home such a baby as bashfulness! A great lusty fellow, and a soldier; fie upon it!
Dur. Lookye, sir, I can visit, and I can ogle a little, – as thus, or thus now. Then I can kiss abundantly – but if they chance to give me a forbidding look, as some women, you know, have a devilish cast with their eyes – or if they cry, "What do you mean? what d'ye take me for? Fie, sir, remember who I am, sir – A person of quality to be used at this rate!" – 'Egad, I'm struck as flat as a fryingpan.
Y. Mir. Words of course! never mind them: Turn you about upon your heel, with a jantée air; hum out the end of an old song; cut a cross caper, and at her again.
Dur. [Imitates him.] No, hang it, 'twill never do! – Oons! what did my father mean, by sticking me up in an university, or to think that I should gain any thing by my head, in a nation, whose genius lies all in their heels! – Well, if ever I come to have children of my own, they shall have the education of the country – they shall learn to dance, before they can walk, and be taught to sing, before they can speak.
Y. Mir. Come, come, throw off that childish humour – put on assurance, there's no avoiding it; stand all hazards, thou'rt a stout, lusty fellow, and hast a good estate; – look bluff, hector, you have a good side-box face, a pretty impudent face; so, that's pretty well. – This fellow went abroad like an ox, and is returned like an ass.[Aside.
Dur. Let me see now, how I look. [Pulls out a Pocket Glass, and looks on it.] A side-box face, say you! – 'Egad, I don't like it, Mirabel! Fie, sir, don't abuse your friends, I could not wear such a face for the best countess in christendom.
Y. Mir. Why can't you, blockhead, as well as I?
Dur. Why, thou hast impudence to set a good face upon any thing; I would change half my gold for half thy brass, with all my heart. Who comes here? Odso, Mirabel, your father!
Enter Old Mirabel
Old Mir. Where's Bob? – dear Bob?
Y. Mir. Your blessing, sir?
Old Mir. My blessing! Damn ye, ye young rogue, why did not you come to see your father first, sirrah? My dear boy, I am heartily glad to see thee, my dear child, 'faith! – Captain Duretete, by the blood of the Mirabels, I'm yours! Well, my lads, ye look bravely, 'faith. – Bob, hast got any money left?
Y. Mir. Not a farthing, sir.
Old Mir. Why, then, I won't gi' thee a souse.
Y. Mir. I did but jest, here's ten pistoles.
Old Mir. Why, then, here's ten more: I love to be charitable to those that don't want it. – Well, and how do you like Italy, my boys?
Y. Mir. O, the garden of the world, sir! Rome, Naples, Venice, Milan, and a thousand others – all fine.
Old Mir. Ay! say you so? And they say, that Chiari is very fine too.
Dur. Indifferent, sir, very indifferent; a very scurvy air, the most unwholesome to a French constitution in the world.
Y. Mir. Pshaw! nothing on't: these rascally gazetteers have misinformed you.
Old Mir. Misinformed me! Oons, sir, were we not beaten there?
Y. Mir. Beaten, sir! we beaten!
Old Mir. Why, how was it, pray, sweet sir?
Y. Mir. Sir, the captain will tell you.
Dur. No, sir, your son will tell you.
Y. Mir. The captain was in the action, sir.
Dur. Your son saw more than I, sir, for he was a looker on.
Old Mir. Confound you both, for a brace of cowards! here are no Germans to overhear you – why don't ye tell me how it was?
Y. Mir. Why, then, you must know, that we marched up a body of the finest, bravest, well dressed fellows in the universe; our commanders at the head of us, all lace and feather, like so many beaux at a ball – I don't believe there was a man of them but could dance a charmer, Morbleau.
Old Mir. Dance! very well, pretty fellows, 'faith!
Y. Mir. We capered up to their very trenches, and there saw, peeping over, a parcel of scare-crow, olive-coloured, gunpowder fellows, as ugly as the devil.
Dur. E'gad, I shall never forget the looks of them, while I have breath to fetch.
Y. Mir. They were so civil, indeed, as to welcome us with their cannon! but for the rest, we found them such unmannerly, rude, unsociable dogs, that we grew tired of their company, and so we e'en danced back again.
Old Mir. And did ye all come back?
Y. Mir. No, two or three thousand of us staid behind.
Old Mir. Why, Bob, why?
Y. Mir. Pshaw! because they could not come that night.
Dur. No, sir, because they could not come that night.
Y. Mir. But, come, sir, we were talking of something else; pray, how does your lovely charge, the fair Oriana?
Old Mir. Ripe, sir, just ripe; you'll find it better engaging with her than with the Germans, let me tell you. And what would you say, my young Mars, if I had a Venus for thee too? Come, Bob, your apartment is ready, and pray let your friend be my guest too; you shall command the house between ye, and I'll be as merry as the best of you.[Exeunt.
ACT THE SECOND
SCENE I
Old Mirabel's House
Oriana and Bisarre
Bis. And you love this young rake, d'ye?
Oriana. Yes.
Bis. In spite of all his ill usage?
Oriana. I can't help it.
Bis. What's the matter wi' ye?
Oriana. Pshaw!
Bis. Um! – before that any young, lying, swearing, flattering, rakehelly fellow, should play such tricks with me – O, the devil take all your Cassandras and Cleopatras for me. – I warrant now, you'll play the fool when he comes, and say you love him! eh?
Oriana. Most certainly; I can't dissemble, Bisarre; besides, 'tis past that, we're contracted.
Bis. Contracted! alack-a-day, poor thing! – What, you have changed rings, or broken an old broadpiece between you! I would make a fool of any fellow in France. Well, I must confess, I do love a little coquetting, with all my heart! my business should be to break gold with my lover one hour, and crack my promise the next; he should find me one day with a prayer book in my hand, and with a play book another. – He should have my consent to buy the wedding ring, and the next moment would I ask him his name.
Oriana. O, my dear! were there no greater tie upon my heart, than there is upon my conscience, I would soon throw the contract out of doors; but the mischief on't is, I am so fond of being tied, that I'm forced to be just, and the strength of my passion keeps down the inclination of my sex.
Bis. But here's the old gentleman!
Enter Old Mirabel
Old Mir. Where's my wenches? – where's my two little girls? Eh! Have a care, – look to yourselves, 'faith, they're a coming – the travellers are a coming! Well! which of you two will be my daughter-in-law now? Bisarre, Bisarre, what say you, madcap? Mirabel is a pure, wild fellow.
Bis. I like him the worse.
Old Mir. You lie, hussy, you like him the better, indeed you do! What say you, my t'other little filbert, eh?
Oriana. I suppose the gentleman will chuse for himself, sir.
Old Mir. Why, that's discreetly said, and so he shall.
Enter Mirabel and Duretete; they salute theLadies
Bob, harkye, you shall marry one of these girls, sirrah!
Y. Mir. Sir, I'll marry them both, if you please.
Bis. [Aside.] He'll find that one may serve his turn.
Old Mir. Both! why, you young dog, d'ye banter me? – Come, sir, take your choice. – Duretete, you shall have your choice too, but Robin shall chuse first. – Come, sir, begin. Well! which d'ye like?
Y. Mir. Both.
Old Mir. But which will you marry?
Y. Mir. Neither.
Old Mir. Neither! Don't make me angry now, Bob – pray, don't make me angry. – Lookye, sirrah, if I don't dance at your wedding to-morrow, I shall be very glad to cry at your grave.
Y. Mir. That's a bull, father.
Old Mir. A bull! Why, how now, ungrateful sir, did I make thee a man, that thou shouldst make me a beast?
Y. Mir. Your pardon, sir; I only meant your expression.
Old Mir. Harkye, Bob, learn better manners to your father before strangers! I won't be angry this time: But oons, if ever you do't again, you rascal! – remember what I say.[Exit.
Y. Mir. Pshaw! what does the old fellow mean by mewing me up here with a couple of green girls? – Come, Duretete, will you go?
Oriana. I hope, Mr. Mirabel, you han't forgot —
Y. Mir. No, no, madam, I han't forgot, I have brought you a thousand little Italian curiosities; I'll assure you, madam, as far as a hundred pistoles would reach, I han't forgot the least circumstance.
Oriana. Sir, you misunderstand me.
Y. Mir. Odso! the relics, madam, from Rome. I do remember, now, you made a vow of chastity before my departure; a vow of chastity, or something like it – was it not, madam?
Oriana. O sir, I'm answered at present.[Exit.
Y. Mir. She was coming full mouth upon me with her contract – 'Would I might despatch t'other!
Dur. Mirabel, that lady there, observe her, she's wondrous pretty, 'faith! and seems to have but few words; I like her mainly – speak to her, man, pr'ythee speak to her.
Y. Mir. Madam, here's a gentleman, who declares —
Dur. Madam, don't believe him, I declare nothing – What, the devil, do you mean, man?
Y. Mir. He says, madam, that you are as beautiful as an angel.
Dur. He tells a damned lie, madam! I say no such thing – Are you mad, Mirabel? Why, I shall drop down with shame.
Y. Mir. And so, madam, not doubting but your ladyship may like him as well as he does you, I think it proper to leave you together.
[Going, Duretete holds him.
Dur. Hold, hold – Why, Mirabel, friend, sure you won't be so barbarous as to leave me alone! Pr'ythee, speak to her for yourself, as it were! Lord, Lord, that a Frenchman should want impudence!
Y. Mir. You look mighty demure, madam. – She's deaf, Captain.
Dur. I had much rather have her dumb.
Y. Mir. The gravity of your air, madam, promises some extraordinary fruits from your study, which moves us with curiosity to inquire the subject of your ladyship's contemplation. – Not a word!
Dur. I hope in the Lord, she's speechless! if she be, she's mine this moment. Mirabel, d'ye think a woman's silence can be natural?
Bis. But the forms which logicians introduce, and which proceed from simple enumeration, are dubitable, and proceed only upon admittance —
Y. Mir. Hoyty toyty! what a plague have we here? Plato in petticoats!
Dur. Ay, ay, let her go on, man; she talks in my own mother tongue.
Bis. 'Tis exposed to invalidity, from a contradictory instance; looks only upon common operations, and is infinite in its termination.
Y. Mir. Rare pedantry!
Dur. Axioms! axioms! self-evident principles!
Bis. Then the ideas wherewith the mind is pre-occupate. – O, gentlemen, I hope you'll pardon my cogitation! I was involved in a profound point of philosophy, but I shall discuss it somewhere else, being satisfied, that the subject is not agreeable to your sparks, that profess the vanity of the times.[Exit.
Y. Mir. Go thy way, good wife Bias! Do you hear, Duretete? Dost hear this starched piece of austerity?
Dur. She's mine, man, she's mine – My own talent to a T. – I'll match her in dialectics, 'faith! I was seven years at the university, man, nursed up with Barbaro, Celarunt, Darii, Ferio, Baralipton. Did you ever know, man, that 'twas metaphysics made me an ass? It was, 'faith! Had she talked a word of singing, dancing, plays, fashions, or the like, I had foundered at the first step; but as she is – Mirabel, wish me joy!
Y. Mir. You don't mean marriage, I hope?
Dur. No, no, I am a man of more honour.
Y. Mir. Bravely resolved, Captain! now for thy credit – warm me this frozen snowball – 'twill be a conquest above the Alps!
Dur. But will you promise to be always near me?
Y. Mir. Upon all occasions, never fear.
Dur. Why, then, you shall see me, in two moments, make an induction from my love to her hand, from her hand to her mouth, from her mouth to her heart, and so conclude in her bed, categorematice.
Y. Mir. Now the game begins, and my fool is entered. – But here comes one to spoil my sport; now shall I be teased to death, with this old-fashioned contract! I should love her too, if I might do it my own way, but she'll do nothing without witnesses, forsooth! I wonder women can be so immodest!
Enter Oriana
Well, madam, why d'ye follow me?
Oriana. Well, sir, why do you shun me?
Y. Mir. 'Tis my humour, madam, and I'm naturally swayed by inclination.
Oriana. Have you forgot our contract, sir?
Y. Mir. All I remember of that contract is, that it was made some three years ago, and that's enough, in conscience, to forget the rest on't.
Oriana. 'Tis sufficient, sir, to recollect the passing of it; for, in that circumstance, I presume, lies the force of the obligation.
Y. Mir. Obligations, madam, that are forced upon the will, are no tie upon the conscience; I was a slave to my passion, when I passed the instrument, but the recovery of my freedom makes the contract void.
Oriana. Come, Mr. Mirabel, these expressions I expected from the raillery of your humour, but I hope for very different sentiments from your honour and generosity.
Y. Mir. Lookye, madam, as for my generosity, 'tis at your service, with all my heart: I'll keep you a coach and six horses, if you please, only permit me to keep my honour to myself. Consider, madam, you have no such thing among ye, and 'tis a main point of policy to keep no faith with reprobates – thou art a pretty little reprobate, and so get thee about thy business!
Oriana. Well, sir, even all this I will allow to the gaiety of your temper; your travels have improved your talent of talking, but they are not of force, I hope, to impair your morals.
Y. Mir. Morals! why, there 'tis again now! – I tell thee, child, there is not the least occasion for morals, in any business between you and I. Don't you know that, of all commerce in the world, there is no such cozenage and deceit, as in the traffic between man and woman? we study all our lives long, how to put tricks upon one another. – No fowler lays abroad more nets for his game, nor a hunter for his prey, than you do, to catch poor innocent men. – Why do you sit three or four hours at your toilet in a morning? only with a villanous design to make some poor fellow a fool before night. What d'ye sigh for? – What d'ye weep for? – What d'ye pray for? Why, for a husband: That is, you implore Providence to assist you, in the just, and pious design, of making the wisest of his creatures a fool, and the head of the creation, a slave.
Oriana. Sir, I am proud of my power, and am resolved to use it.
Y. Mir. Hold, hold, madam, not so fast – As you have variety of vanities to make coxcombs of us; so we have vows, oaths, and protestations, of all sorts and sizes, to make fools of you – And this, in short, my dear creature, is our present condition. I have sworn, and lied, briskly, to gain my ends of you; your ladyship has patched and painted violently, to gain your ends of me; but, since we are both disappointed, let us make a drawn battle, and part clear on both sides.
Oriana. With all my heart, sir! give me up my contract, and I'll never see your face again.
Y. Mir. Indeed, I won't, child!
Oriana. What, sir! neither do one nor t'other?
Y. Mir. No, you shall die a maid, unless you please to be otherwise, upon my terms.
Oriana. What do you intend by this, sir?
Y. Mir. Why, to starve you into compliance; – lookye, you shall never marry any man; and you had as good let me do you a kindness as a stranger.
Oriana. Sir, you're a —
Y. Mir. What am I, ma'am?
Oriana. A villain, sir.
Y. Mir. I'm glad on't – I never knew an honest fellow in my life, but was a villain upon these occasions. Han't you drawn yourself, now, into a very pretty dilemma? ha! ha! ha! the poor lady has made a vow of virginity, when she thought of making a vow to the contrary. Was ever poor woman so cheated into chastity?
Oriana. Sir, my fortune is equal to yours, my friends as powerful, and both shall be put to the test, to do me justice.
Y. Mir. What! you'll force me to marry you, will ye?