Part 5
The next morning she waited in the laboratory at the lunch-hour in the reasonable certainty that he would come to her.
“Well, you have thought it over?” he said, sitting down beside her.
“I’ve been thinking of you all night,” she answered.
“Well?”
“I don’t care a rap for all these things.”
He said nothing for a space.
“I don’t see there’s any getting away from the fact that you and I love each other,” he said, slowly. “So far you’ve got me and I you… You’ve got me. I’m like a creature just wakened up. My eyes are open to you. I keep on thinking of you. I keep on thinking of little details and aspects of your voice, your eyes, the way you walk, the way your hair goes back from the side of your forehead. I believe I have always been in love with you. Always. Before ever I knew you.”
She sat motionless, with her hand tightening over the edge of the table, and he, too, said no more. She began to tremble violently.
He stood up abruptly and went to the window.
“We have,” he said, “to be the utmost friends.”
She stood up and held her arms toward him. “I want you to kiss me,” she said.
He gripped the window-sill behind him.
“If I do,” he said… “No! I want to do without that. I want to do without that for a time. I want to give you time to think. I am a man – of a sort of experience. You are a girl with very little. Just sit down on that stool again and let’s talk of this in cold blood. People of your sort – I don’t want the instincts to – to rush our situation. Are you sure what it is you want of me?”
“I want you. I want you to be my lover. I want to give myself to you. I want to be whatever I can to you.” She paused for a moment. “Is that plain?” she asked.
“If I didn’t love you better than myself,” said Capes, “I wouldn’t fence like this with you.
“I am convinced you haven’t thought this out,” he went on. “You do not know what such a relation means. We are in love. Our heads swim with the thought of being together. But what can we do? Here am I, fixed to respectability and this laboratory; you’re living at home. It means… just furtive meetings.”
“I don’t care how we meet,” she said.
“It will spoil your life.”
“It will make it. I want you. I am clear I want you. You are different from all the world for me. You can think all round me. You are the one person I can understand and feel – feel right with. I don’t idealize you. Don’t imagine that. It isn’t because you’re good, but because I may be rotten bad; and there’s something – something living and understanding in you. Something that is born anew each time we meet, and pines when we are separated. You see, I’m selfish. I’m rather scornful. I think too much about myself. You’re the only person I’ve really given good, straight, unselfish thought to. I’m making a mess of my life – unless you come in and take it. I am. In you – if you can love me – there is salvation. Salvation. I know what I am doing better than you do. Think – think of that engagement!”
Their talk had come to eloquent silences that contradicted all he had to say.
She stood up before him, smiling faintly.
“I think we’ve exhausted this discussion,” she said.
“I think we have,” he answered, gravely, and took her in his arms, and smoothed her hair from her forehead, and very tenderly kissed her lips.
Part 6
They spent the next Sunday in Richmond Park, and mingled the happy sensation of being together uninterruptedly through the long sunshine of a summer’s day with the ample discussion of their position. “This has all the clean freshness of spring and youth,” said Capes; “it is love with the down on; it is like the glitter of dew in the sunlight to be lovers such as we are, with no more than one warm kiss between us. I love everything to-day, and all of you, but I love this, this – this innocence upon us most of all.
“You can’t imagine,” he said, “what a beastly thing a furtive love affair can be.
“This isn’t furtive,” said Ann Veronica.
“Not a bit of it. And we won’t make it so… We mustn’t make it so.”
They loitered under trees, they sat on mossy banks they gossiped on friendly benches, they came back to lunch at the “Star and Garter,” and talked their afternoon away in the garden that looks out upon the crescent of the river. They had a universe to talk about – two universes.
“What are we going to do?” said Capes, with his eyes on the broad distances beyond the ribbon of the river.
“I will do whatever you want,” said Ann Veronica.
“My first love was all blundering,” said Capes.
He thought for a moment, and went on: “Love is something that has to be taken care of. One has to be so careful… It’s a beautiful plant, but a tender one… I didn’t know. I’ve a dread of love dropping its petals, becoming mean and ugly. How can I tell you all I feel? I love you beyond measure. And I’m afraid… I’m anxious, joyfully anxious, like a man when he has found a treasure.”
“YOU know,” said Ann Veronica. “I just came to you and put myself in your hands.”
“That’s why, in a way, I’m prudish. I’ve – dreads. I don’t want to tear at you with hot, rough hands.”
“As you will, dear lover. But for me it doesn’t matter. Nothing is wrong that you do. Nothing. I am quite clear about this. I know exactly what I am doing. I give myself to you.”
“God send you may never repent it!” cried Capes.
She put her hand in his to be squeezed.
“You see,” he said, “it is doubtful if we can ever marry. Very doubtful. I have been thinking – I will go to my wife again. I will do my utmost. But for a long time, anyhow, we lovers have to be as if we were no more than friends.”
He paused. She answered slowly. “That is as you will,” she said.
“Why should it matter?” he said.
And then, as she answered nothing, “Seeing that we are lovers.”
Part 7
It was rather less than a week after that walk that Capes came and sat down beside Ann Veronica for their customary talk in the lunch hour. He took a handful of almonds and raisins that she held out to him – for both these young people had given up the practice of going out for luncheon – and kept her hand for a moment to kiss her finger-tips. He did not speak for a moment.
“Well?” she said.
“I say!” he said, without any movement. “Let’s go.”
“Go!” She did not understand him at first, and then her heart began to beat very rapidly.
“Stop this – this humbugging,” he explained. “It’s like the Picture and the Bust. I can’t stand it. Let’s go. Go off and live together – until we can marry. Dare you?”
“Do you mean NOW?”
“At the end of the session. It’s the only clean way for us. Are you prepared to do it?”
Her hands clenched. “Yes,” she said, very faintly. And then: “Of course! Always. It is what I have wanted, what I have meant all along.”
She stared before her, trying to keep back a rush of tears.
Capes kept obstinately stiff, and spoke between his teeth.
“There’s endless reasons, no doubt, why we shouldn’t,” he said. “Endless. It’s wrong in the eyes of most people. For many of them it will smirch us forever… You DO understand?”
“Who cares for most people?” she said, not looking at him.
“I do. It means social isolation – struggle.”
“If you dare – I dare,” said Ann Veronica. “I was never so clear in all my life as I have been in this business.” She lifted steadfast eyes to him. “Dare!” she said. The tears were welling over now, but her voice was steady. “You’re not a man for me – not one of a sex, I mean. You’re just a particular being with nothing else in the world to class with you. You are just necessary to life for me. I’ve never met any one like you. To have you is all important. Nothing else weighs against it. Morals only begin when that is settled. I sha’n’t care a rap if we can never marry. I’m not a bit afraid of anything – scandal, difficulty, struggle… I rather want them. I do want them.”
“You’ll get them,” he said. “This means a plunge.”
“Are you afraid?”
“Only for you! Most of my income will vanish. Even unbelieving biological demonstrators must respect decorum; and besides, you see – you were a student. We shall have – hardly any money.”
“I don’t care.”
“Hardship and danger.”
“With you!”
“And as for your people?”
“They don’t count. That is the dreadful truth. This – all this swamps them. They don’t count, and I don’t care.”
Capes suddenly abandoned his attitude of meditative restraint. “By Jove!” he broke out, “one tries to take a serious, sober view. I don’t quite know why. But this is a great lark, Ann Veronica! This turns life into a glorious adventure!”
“Ah!” she cried in triumph.
“I shall have to give up biology, anyhow. I’ve always had a sneaking desire for the writing-trade. That is what I must do. I can.”
“Of course you can.”
“And biology was beginning to bore me a bit. One research is very like another… Latterly I’ve been doing things… Creative work appeals to me wonderfully. Things seem to come rather easily… But that, and that sort of thing, is just a day-dream. For a time I must do journalism and work hard… What isn’t a day-dream is this: that you and I are going to put an end to flummery – and go!”
“Go!” said Ann Veronica, clenching her hands.
“For better or worse.”
“For richer or poorer.”
She could not go on, for she was laughing and crying at the same time. “We were bound to do this when you kissed me,” she sobbed through her tears. “We have been all this time – Only your queer code of honor – Honor! Once you begin with love you have to see it through.”
CHAPTER THE FIFTEENTH
THE LAST DAYS AT HOME
Part 1
They decided to go to Switzerland at the session’s end. “We’ll clean up everything tidy,” said Capes…
For her pride’s sake, and to save herself from long day-dreams and an unappeasable longing for her lover, Ann Veronica worked hard at her biology during those closing weeks. She was, as Capes had said, a hard young woman. She was keenly resolved to do well in the school examination, and not to be drowned in the seas of emotion that threatened to submerge her intellectual being.
Nevertheless, she could not prevent a rising excitement as the dawn of the new life drew near to her – a thrilling of the nerves, a secret and delicious exaltation above the common circumstances of existence. Sometimes her straying mind would become astonishingly active – embroidering bright and decorative things that she could say to Capes; sometimes it passed into a state of passive acquiescence, into a radiant, formless, golden joy. She was aware of people – her aunt, her father, her fellow-students, friends, and neighbors – moving about outside this glowing secret, very much as an actor is aware of the dim audience beyond the barrier of the footlights. They might applaud, or object, or interfere, but the drama was her very own. She was going through with that, anyhow.
The feeling of last days grew stronger with her as their number diminished. She went about the familiar home with a clearer and clearer sense of inevitable conclusions. She became exceptionally considerate and affectionate with her father and aunt, and more and more concerned about the coming catastrophe that she was about to precipitate upon them. Her aunt had a once exasperating habit of interrupting her work with demands for small household services, but now Ann Veronica rendered them with a queer readiness of anticipatory propitiation. She was greatly exercised by the problem of confiding in the Widgetts; they were dears, and she talked away two evenings with Constance without broaching the topic; she made some vague intimations in letters to Miss Miniver that Miss Miniver failed to mark. But she did not bother her head very much about her relations with these sympathizers.
And at length her penultimate day in Morningside Park dawned for her. She got up early, and walked about the garden in the dewy June sunshine and revived her childhood. She was saying good-bye to childhood and home, and her making; she was going out into the great, multitudinous world; this time there would be no returning. She was at the end of girlhood and on the eve of a woman’s crowning experience. She visited the corner that had been her own little garden – her forget-me-nots and candytuft had long since been elbowed into insignificance by weeds; she visited the raspberry-canes that had sheltered that first love affair with the little boy in velvet, and the greenhouse where she had been wont to read her secret letters. Here was the place behind the shed where she had used to hide from Roddy’s persecutions, and here the border of herbaceous perennials under whose stems was fairyland. The back of the house had been the Alps for climbing, and the shrubs in front of it a Terai. The knots and broken pale that made the garden-fence scalable, and gave access to the fields behind, were still to be traced. And here against a wall were the plum-trees. In spite of God and wasps and her father, she had stolen plums; and once because of discovered misdeeds, and once because she had realized that her mother was dead, she had lain on her face in the unmown grass, beneath the elm-trees that came beyond the vegetables, and poured out her soul in weeping.
Remote little Ann Veronica! She would never know the heart of that child again! That child had loved fairy princes with velvet suits and golden locks, and she was in love with a real man named Capes, with little gleams of gold on his cheek and a pleasant voice and firm and shapely hands. She was going to him soon and certainly, going to his strong, embracing arms. She was going through a new world with him side by side. She had been so busy with life that, for a vast gulf of time, as it seemed, she had given no thought to those ancient, imagined things of her childhood. Now, abruptly, they were real again, though very distant, and she had come to say farewell to them across one sundering year.
She was unusually helpful at breakfast, and unselfish about the eggs: and then she went off to catch the train before her father’s. She did this to please him. He hated travelling second-class with her – indeed, he never did – but he also disliked travelling in the same train when his daughter was in an inferior class, because of the look of the thing. So he liked to go by a different train. And in the Avenue she had an encounter with Ramage.
It was an odd little encounter, that left vague and dubitable impressions in her mind. She was aware of him – a silk-hatted, shiny-black figure on the opposite side of the Avenue; and then, abruptly and startlingly, he crossed the road and saluted and spoke to her.
“I MUST speak to you,” he said. “I can’t keep away from you.”
She made some inane response. She was struck by a change in his appearance. His eyes looked a little bloodshot to her; his face had lost something of its ruddy freshness.
He began a jerky, broken conversation that lasted until they reached the station, and left her puzzled at its drift and meaning. She quickened her pace, and so did he, talking at her slightly averted ear. She made lumpish and inadequate interruptions rather than replies. At times he seemed to be claiming pity from her; at times he was threatening her with her check and exposure; at times he was boasting of his inflexible will, and how, in the end, he always got what he wanted. He said that his life was boring and stupid without her. Something or other – she did not catch what – he was damned if he could stand. He was evidently nervous, and very anxious to be impressive; his projecting eyes sought to dominate. The crowning aspect of the incident, for her mind, was the discovery that he and her indiscretion with him no longer mattered very much. Its importance had vanished with her abandonment of compromise. Even her debt to him was a triviality now.
And of course! She had a brilliant idea. It surprised her she hadn’t thought of it before! She tried to explain that she was going to pay him forty pounds without fail next week. She said as much to him. She repeated this breathlessly.
“I was glad you did not send it back again,” he said.
He touched a long-standing sore, and Ann Veronica found herself vainly trying to explain – the inexplicable. “It’s because I mean to send it back altogether,” she said.
He ignored her protests in order to pursue some impressive line of his own.
“Here we are, living in the same suburb,” he began. “We have to be – modern.”
Her heart leaped within her as she caught that phrase. That knot also would be cut. Modern, indeed! She was going to be as primordial as chipped flint.
Part 2
In the late afternoon, as Ann Veronica was gathering flowers for the dinner-table, her father came strolling across the lawn toward her with an affectation of great deliberation.
“I want to speak to you about a little thing, Vee,” said Mr. Stanley.
Ann Veronica’s tense nerves started, and she stood still with her eyes upon him, wondering what it might be that impended.
“You were talking to that fellow Ramage to-day – in the Avenue. Walking to the station with him.”
So that was it!
“He came and talked to me.”
“Ye – e – es.” Mr. Stanley considered. “Well, I don’t want you to talk to him,” he said, very firmly.
Ann Veronica paused before she answered. “Don’t you think I ought to?” she asked, very submissively.
“No.” Mr. Stanley coughed and faced toward the house. “He is not – I don’t like him. I think it inadvisable – I don’t want an intimacy to spring up between you and a man of that type.”
Ann Veronica reflected. “I HAVE – had one or two talks with him, daddy.”
“Don’t let there be any more. I – In fact, I dislike him extremely.”
“Suppose he comes and talks to me?”
“A girl can always keep a man at a distance if she cares to do it. She – She can snub him.”
Ann Veronica picked a cornflower.
“I wouldn’t make this objection,” Mr. Stanley went on, “but there are things – there are stories about Ramage. He’s – He lives in a world of possibilities outside your imagination. His treatment of his wife is most unsatisfactory. Most unsatisfactory. A bad man, in fact. A dissipated, loose-living man.”
“I’ll try not to see him again,” said Ann Veronica. “I didn’t know you objected to him, daddy.”
“Strongly,” said Mr. Stanley, “very strongly.”
The conversation hung. Ann Veronica wondered what her father would do if she were to tell him the full story of her relations with Ramage.
“A man like that taints a girl by looking at her, by his mere conversation.” He adjusted his glasses on his nose. There was another little thing he had to say. “One has to be so careful of one’s friends and acquaintances,” he remarked, by way of transition. “They mould one insensibly.” His voice assumed an easy detached tone. “I suppose, Vee, you don’t see much of those Widgetts now?”
“I go in and talk to Constance sometimes.”
“Do you?”
“We were great friends at school.”
“No doubt… Still – I don’t know whether I quite like – Something ramshackle about those people, Vee. While I am talking about your friends, I feel – I think you ought to know how I look at it.” His voice conveyed studied moderation. “I don’t mind, of course, your seeing her sometimes, still there are differences – differences in social atmospheres. One gets drawn into things. Before you know where you are you find yourself in a complication. I don’t want to influence you unduly – But – They’re artistic people, Vee. That’s the fact about them. We’re different.”
“I suppose we are,” said Vee, rearranging the flowers in her hand.
“Friendships that are all very well between school-girls don’t always go on into later life. It’s – it’s a social difference.”
“I like Constance very much.”
“No doubt. Still, one has to be reasonable. As you admitted to me – one has to square one’s self with the world. You don’t know. With people of that sort all sorts of things may happen. We don’t want things to happen.”
Ann Veronica made no answer.
A vague desire to justify himself ruffled her father. “I may seem unduly – anxious. I can’t forget about your sister. It’s that has always made me – SHE, you know, was drawn into a set – didn’t discriminate Private theatricals.”
Ann Veronica remained anxious to hear more of her sister’s story from her father’s point of view, but he did not go on. Even so much allusion as this to that family shadow, she felt, was an immense recognition of her ripening years. She glanced at him. He stood a little anxious and fussy, bothered by the responsibility of her, entirely careless of what her life was or was likely to be, ignoring her thoughts and feelings, ignorant of every fact of importance in her life, explaining everything he could not understand in her as nonsense and perversity, concerned only with a terror of bothers and undesirable situations. “We don’t want things to happen!” Never had he shown his daughter so clearly that the womenkind he was persuaded he had to protect and control could please him in one way, and in one way only, and that was by doing nothing except the punctual domestic duties and being nothing except restful appearances. He had quite enough to see to and worry about in the City without their doing things. He had no use for Ann Veronica; he had never had a use for her since she had been too old to sit upon his knee. Nothing but the constraint of social usage now linked him to her. And the less “anything” happened the better. The less she lived, in fact, the better. These realizations rushed into Ann Veronica’s mind and hardened her heart against him. She spoke slowly. “I may not see the Widgetts for some little time, father,” she said. “I don’t think I shall.”
“Some little tiff?”
“No; but I don’t think I shall see them.”
Suppose she were to add, “I am going away!”
“I’m glad to hear you say it,” said Mr. Stanley, and was so evidently pleased that Ann Veronica’s heart smote her.
“I am very glad to hear you say it,” he repeated, and refrained from further inquiry. “I think we are growing sensible,” he said. “I think you are getting to understand me better.”
He hesitated, and walked away from her toward the house. Her eyes followed him. The curve of his shoulders, the very angle of his feet, expressed relief at her apparent obedience. “Thank goodness!” said that retreating aspect, “that’s said and over. Vee’s all right. There’s nothing happened at all!” She didn’t mean, he concluded, to give him any more trouble ever, and he was free to begin a fresh chromatic novel – he had just finished the Blue Lagoon, which he thought very beautiful and tender and absolutely irrelevant to Morningside Park – or work in peace at his microtome without bothering about her in the least.
The immense disillusionment that awaited him! The devastating disillusionment! She had a vague desire to run after him, to state her case to him, to wring some understanding from him of what life was to her. She felt a cheat and a sneak to his unsuspecting retreating back.
“But what can one do?” asked Ann Veronica.