Crystal Masks

2

What would happen once John got home? Was it necessary to confess something to him when she didn't even know how it had happened? Was sincerity at all costs essential to keeping their co-habitation alive in the best possible way?

Questions that came back to haunt her even when she was driving through the Manhattan traffic. Questions that instilled doubts in her which she had never had before, undermining her few certainties. After all, she was only twenty-eight years old with little experience in couple relationships to be certain she had the right answers.

The sound of her cell phone drew her attention. She pressed a button on the dashboard and activated the speakerphone.

"Hello, Loreley. How are you?"

"David!" she said happily. "What a pleasure. I haven't heard from you in a while."

"Yes, you’re right, but you could have called me too."

"You know, I’ve been very busy, and Hans' wedding took everything out of me, including the desire to get married should John ever ask me one day."

She heard a short laugh at the other end of the phone. "Still the same old story of the fox that can't get to the grapes..."

"Don't make fun of me, come on! Do you have anything to tell me, instead?"

"Yes... there is something."

"Don't string it out!"

"It's something serious and I'd rather talk to you about it in person if I can..."

«All right, I'd love to spend some time with you."

"If you’re free, we could get together tomorrow afternoon, at your place."

"Let's make it three o'clock?"

"Three o'clock."

Loreley ended the conversation wistfully recalling David's gentle, smiling face. She missed the days she had spent with him, especially their university days, and the lovely carefree moments he had given her.

All things pass and as often happens, the most beautiful things are also those that last less time.

She slammed her foot on the brake and cursed, clutching the steering wheel. The car in front of her had slowed down abruptly and she had narrowly escaped running into the back of it.

For the life of me! She usually kept at safe distance, so stopped for a few moments to take a deep breath. As soon as she heard cars honking behind her she drove on again.

Everyone is in such a hurry! Sometimes she longed for her beloved Zurich, with its order and tranquility. So different from electrifying and hectic New York.

A light rain began to tap on the windshield. She scowled: she had forgotten to bring an umbrella. And yet she knew that in October the weather was unpredictable.

***

The following afternoon Loreley left the house dressed in a simple pair of jeans and a shirt of the same cloth and colour. Her friend David was waiting for her outside the front door.

As soon as she was close to him, she threw her arms around his neck and held him close for several seconds.

"You are enthusiastic!" he began, hugging her in turn.

"We’ve never been apart for so long," she defended herself pulling away. "Where would you like to go?"

"It's a lovely sunny day, we could walk for a while."

"Okay!"

Loreley adjusted her bag on her shoulder and took him by the hand, but after a few steps she stopped him. "Don’t dare put your hand near your wallet," she said, raising her index finger at him. "I'll take care of it today, okay?"

"Well, what an effort for someone like you!"

"What would you be implying?" she asked, hands on hips. "I'm waiting."

"Your family’s... well, they do alright."

"They’re wealthy, you can say it. But this has nothing to do with me."

"I know, Loreley, don't get angry, I was just kidding."

"Let's not talk about that and relax a bit. Whatever you want to do is fine with me."

David had nothing particular in mind. They left the car and walked to Corona Park. It was quiet that autumn day, immersed in a light blanket of silence and a thin veil of fog. There were carpets of multicoloured leaves underneath the almost-bare trees, accentuating the languid nostalgic charm of autumn, despite the flowers which were still blooming in colours from deep yellow to violet.

They could have chosen to walk in Central Park, which was larger and not far from her home, instead of crossing the entire Borough of Queens, but she knew David didn't like places that were too big and crowded. To tell the truth, nor did he like going to places where wealth, and especially those who flaunted it, were in the majority, she thought, as she walked by his side. She was his only well-to-do friend.

When their legs began to ache with fatigue, they took a break and sat on a wall near the Unisphere, a huge steel monument depicting the terrestrial globe. Loreley chatted about her brother's wedding and what had happened the night before, though she did not reveal the name of the man with whom she had shared a bed. She still didn’t feel ready for that, even to her friend. He seemed to understand because he avoided asking her about him, but a frown had appeared on his forehead that had not been there before.

"I know what you're thinking," she said, looking into his cerulean eyes, that seemed to scold her. "I'd could slap myself. Johnny doesn't deserve it, and I don't know how to get out of it without hurting him."

"You can’t decide whether to tell him or not, can you?"

"I'm scared he won't forgive me. And I don’t have the courage either..." She looked away for a few moments.

"If he knows you as well as I do, he’ll realize that you would never have ended up in that bed if you’d been sober."

“You make it sound simple!”

David looked at her annoyed. "It's never easy. Do you think it didn't cost me a lot to confess my betrayal to you? I was so afraid of losing you forever, even as a friend. But then you understood..."

"I was upset all the same, even though I tried not to show it. I didn't want anything to do with men for years after that, and all that counted for me was studying and skating."

He sighed. "It's been a long time, but I can see you still get upset when we talk about it."

She shook her head. "I'm sorry, David..." She stroked his cheek. "I’m not upset about the past. I’m upset about the present."

"I just told you how I feel about it.”

"I'll think about it, I promise,” she reassured him, wanting to be done with that embarrassing topic.

Best to talk about something else.

She looked at him as if she had just remembered something important. "Speaking of confessions, you haven't told me the news you mentioned on the phone." She moved into a more comfortable position. "I’m here and I promise I’ll listen to every word you say."

She saw him calm down and smile.

Sitting down beside her, David let a few seconds pass, and then blurted out his happy news. "After a long time... and much searching, I think I've found the right person. In a few months, maybe we’ll go and live together."

She opened her eyes wide. "Oh my God, you don't know how happy I am!" She clapped her hands and hugged him, jubilant. "What’s his name?"

"Andrew. We met in the clinic when he brought his dog to me for treatment."

"I'm really happy, you know?"

"Thank you! I feel a little scared though."

"I know what it’s like, especially at the beginning."

"That's why I wanted to talk to you about it. I wanted to know how you got on with John. What it feels like."

"Well... I can tell you that I felt awkward at first and I didn't quite know how to behave. I was afraid that everything I did might bother him. I had to stay calm, be understanding and have a flexible mind to accept his way of doing things and his way of thinking. Sometimes I wanted to slap him, sometimes I wanted to hug him. One day I would thank heaven I’d met him and the next day I’d wish I never had. More than once, you'll feel like you can't make it and you’ll yearn for your lost freedom, but I can assure you that everything settles down eventually. You just have to really want it."

"Is that how you felt with John?" he interrupted, astonished.

"I can guarantee you that I don't regret it at all." As she answered, she wondered why, if she really didn't regret it, she was unable to take on board what she had just said to her friend, to reassure herself as well.

"That's good enough for me." David laughed cheerfully and took her hands. "Things will work out for you too, you’ll see; you just have to really want it, right?”

"You're such a..."

He put a hand over her mouth. "Ahhh... you mustn’t say certain things." She smiled at him. "Now it’s best if we go and get something to drink."

After a cool drink and a quick visit to the Science and Technology Museum, they decided it was time to look for a quiet place to dine. The sun was giving way to the moon, which soon appeared like a spotted disc of light and shadows, occasionally obscured by clouds.

They ate a light dinner of only two courses and a small portion of cheesecake. Fortunately, the temperature hadn't dropped, so they continued to wander through the streets of Manhattan until well past midnight. Feeling guilty about keeping him up late, Loreley decided to ask her friend to stay with her so she could enjoy his company for a while longer.

***

She was still lazing in bed when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned over and opened her eyes a little, expecting to see David, but the eyes looking at her at that moment were too dark to belong to her friend who had blue eyes.

"Johnny!" She pulled herself up, leaning on her elbows. "When did you arrive?"

"I sent you a message last night, didn’t you get it?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't notice."

"Too busy doing something else, huh? I ran into David in the living room. He was leaving."

"We spent the afternoon together yesterday and it got late so I put him up here at home." She sat up on the bed. "I’ll go and say goodbye to him."

"Forget it." He held her by the shoulders. "He told me to say goodbye to you. He was in a hurry."

She was about to protest, but John leaned over her and closed her mouth with a long kiss. Putting an arm around his neck Loreley returned it.

When she saw him pull away to quickly take off his clothes, she slipped out of her short nightgown, putting her body with its delicate skin on display.

"I wanted to take a shower, but now..." he said to her.

Loreley looked closely at him. His hair was untidy, and his face appeared strained, like someone trying to regain control of his senses. His dark eyes seemed to be urging her to make a quick decision. Opening her lips in a mischievous smile she held out her arms towards him, grabbed him by the collar of his unbuttoned shirt and pulled him close to her.

They would certainly be skipping breakfast that morning, and maybe even lunch, but right now she didn’t care, she needed her man.

When John had fallen asleep, she slipped out of bed, put on a black satin robe, picked up her cell phone, and went downstairs to the living room. Sitting on the couch she made a call.

"Hey, Loreley!" David's voice was as cheerful as ever.

"I'm sorry about this morning...”

"It doesn’t matter. I was surprised to see him come in, and a little embarrassed, as he was too, so I thought it best to get out of your hair quickly. I'm sorry I couldn't say goodbye."

"Me too. But I still don't know what to do..."

"We talked about it yesterday. I'm sure you'll do the right thing."

On the other hand, she was not sure, though. "Promise you’ll come and see me again soon."

"Of course. Maybe you can come over here to me."

"I’ll think about it, I promise."

"I’ll take your word for it. See you soon, then."

"Enjoy your Sunday, David."

Before Loreley had time to finish the call, John appeared wearing a grey tracksuit.

"Up already?" she remarked, believing that he had fallen asleep. "How are your parents?"

"They're fine. Mom has her usual aches and pains, but nothing serious."

"And your daughter? I imagine she was jumping for joy at seeing you again."

He nodded, smiling at her.

"I'd like to go with you someday to meet them."

The smile quickly vanished from John's face. "I’m going out for a run. I hope you don't mind."

Loreley was disappointed but tried not to show it. "No, no, go ahead. Are you actually able to jog?" she asked, astonished that he had so much energy left.

He smiled again. "Of course."

"When you get back, we’ll have something to eat, and if you haven’t collapsed with a heart attack, we can go out somewhere."

"If you’re doing the cooking, it’s more likely I’ll get a dose of food poisoning and then we won’t be going anywhere."

She picked up a cushion off the couch and threw it at him.

John dodged it and left the house laughing.

Left alone, Loreley went into the kitchen and got to work at the stove, even though she already knew he would not be enthusiastic about the result.

She had met Johnny when she was doing her internship. He was with Ethan who had introduced John as an old friend. His attractive face, dark eyes and his kind and at the same time cheeky attitude had struck her immediately; but she had no way of getting to know him better until she met him again one afternoon in the parking lot near the law firm.

Her car would not start, and after a few futile attempts she got out of the vehicle furious and cursing like a man. Then she saw him, leaning against the trunk of the car with his arms crossed, watching her amused.

Without beating about the bush, she had asked him if he was going to help her or just stand there enjoying the show. Johnny had held out his hand, as if asking for the keys. She had looked him straight in the eyes and handed them to him, albeit with some reluctance.

A few minutes later the engine was turning over again.

"What can I do to repay you?" she had asked, relieved.

"You could put your bank account in my name,” he had said, getting out of the car to give her the driver's seat.

"Or?”

He looked at her like someone who already knows he has won.

"Come to dinner with me tonight."

And that was when it had started.

3

Ethan went past her almost running, as if he were in a hurry to leave the office. "Hey, Loreley!"

She was leafing through a file and stopped to look at him from over her blue-framed glasses. There was a dark trench coat hanging over his arm and the ever-present hat in his hand, a sign that he was going to court or to some client.

"The boss wants to see you in his office," he said, looking sorry for her.

"Are there problems brewing?”

"I'm not sure, but when he asked me to send you in to him, he had this strange little smile..."

"Not looking good for me, then; how much do you want to bet on it?"

"I only gamble if I'm sure of winning. But I must run now. Good luck." And with that, he winked at her and disappeared through the door.

Loreley sighed. Kilmer would be dumping a problem on her soon, she thought, heading to the office next to hers.

When she went in, he was sitting at his desk dressed in a dark gray suit. He gave her a half smile, which was more like a smirk, and handed her a folder which she took without taking her eyes off his face.

As she read the few notes inside it her anger mounted, but she continued, trying hard to remain impassive. She had already heard about the murder, near her parents' home, on the news the day before and had been surprised and disgusted at the cruelty of it. She knew the victim's family by sight, a retired business couple who had only one daughter, and the thought of having to defend the person who had snatched her from them was enough to tie her stomach in knots.

The boss was staring hard at her, almost as if to challenge her.

"Why do I have to take this on?"

"Ethan is following another case and Patrick is sick. Furthermore, the guy who contacted us to give us the job wants you; evidently he prefers women." He sniggered, but immediately became serious again. "Sorry."

You’re not sorry at all!

Kilmer leaned back in the black leather armchair, which creaked under his weight. "If you need a hand, don't hesitate to let me know," he continued in a friendly voice, but which immediately sounded false to her.

He could forget that! Loreley thought. She closed the folder and held it tightly.

"Come and see me if you finish before we close for the day, and you can give me an update."

Of course! You can count on it! She would make sure she was late, she told herself, nodding at him.

"Hurry up then, your new client is waiting for you."

With a forced smile, just like the one he had given her when she came in, Loreley walked out of the room, her back straight and a sure step, looking confident and composed; but she had a great desire to kick that fat butt of his.

***

Having to defend what she considered indefensible had never been in her plans, nor did she consider it a means of getting ahead in her career, so the case she had been assigned was hard to swallow. If only she could refuse it, but she had already lost face when she had refrained to assist Leen Soraya Desmond, so she could not back out yet again. Kilmer would be furious and would jump on it as the perfect pretext to kick her out of the firm. She had always felt that he had a certain prejudice towards her, but in recent times it had become worse.

Her boss was demanding increasing commitment from her, more than he asked of Ethan, and she suspected that the motivation stemmed from the fact that she was privileged by birth, a girl who only had to ask and it would be given. He, on the other hand, had been forced to work hard for thirty years to attain a certain position and a decent bank account.

Thus, the day before, she had been forced to accept that thankless job, and it had kept her awake late into the night.

What technicality could she call upon to prevent her client ending his days in prison? A 31-year-old man who had beaten his partner to death leaving her agonizing on the floor of the house, then going off as if nothing had happened. How many cases like this must she see in courtrooms? It was not for her to judge, but how could she prepare a good defence, based on reciprocal trust with her client, if she herself felt no empathy for that individual, nor any kind of compassion?

Sometimes she wondered if it had been a mistake to choose the career of criminal lawyer. Perhaps it was not suitable, she should have chosen civil law; or maybe she was just going through a period of confusion, in conflict with her own work. Who knows?

But if she wanted to become a good lawyer, she knew she needed to toughen up.

In the interview room, her client had claimed that he had only slapped the girl and did not kill her. Just before he left the house, he had seen her touch her cheeks, in tears. She was alive and angry.

A murderer who declared he was innocent, however, was nothing new.

The waiter put the coffee she had ordered on the table, bringing Loreley's attention back to where it was before: the newspaper that had printed the article about that misdeed. The names of the accused and his defence lawyer, her, were also included were.

What perverse emotion drove a man to beat to death the woman he said he loved? Or to want to keep her tied to him at all costs, when instead all she wants is to be free?

She had heard so many stories like that and there were certainly others who were still silent because the victims often just put up with it, most of the time out of fear, but in some cases because of a penchant for submission. She recalled a friend from her university days who had saved herself only because she had reported her boyfriend in time and then had turned to a psychologist to overcome her addiction.

How long can a victim be considered just a victim and not also accomplice, because she accepts to endure the violence in silence? Luckily, things were changing, but not fast enough. Not yet.

With a gesture of frustration, she turned a couple of pages and stopped when she saw a short article with the image of a tall guy with brown hair coming out of the theatre beside a beautiful red-haired woman.

Her hands trembled. Him again!

Since that man had almost died at the hands of his ex-wife, his notoriety had taken a huge leap, and he was now known even to people who had never seen him.

Not stopping to read the short piece, she closed the newspaper and threw it onto the empty chair beside her. To hell with him!

She was feeling the need to get rid of her tension, and the only thing that took her mind off work was ice skating. Yes, of course, why not? It was a while since she’d been there.

Finishing her coffee, she paid and called a cab to take her home to get what she needed. She asked the taxi driver to wait for her downstairs and in less than an hour she was at Chelsea Piers, on the Hudson River Park.

It was that very place where she had put the blades on her feet for the first time, a day she remembered very well, because it had given her a taste of what it meant to fall down and have to get up again despite the fear. She had fallen in love with the sport immediately and had become an excellent skater, winning a few local competitions along the way. But then with university she had been forced to cut back on training and after the accident had not competed again. The return to skating had not been easy. She was terrified she might have another bad fall and it had blocked her. It had taken several months before she was able to get back on the ice.

But she had won that battle.

She put on a tight-fitting full-length jumpsuit, of black stretchy water-repellent fabric, and began to wind the boot laces around the hooks. She had almost finished that tedious but important operation when her work phone rang.

The urge not to answer was so great that, before pulling it out of her backpack, she sat there for several seconds listening to Khachaturian’s "Sabre Dance”. Would she let it keep ringing until it stopped? But the new case required her to be available all day.

There was an unfamiliar number on the display.

"Hello, Loreley. Am I interrupting you? Are you working?"

"No, no..." she replied, trying to figure out who that male voice belonged to. She didn't want to risk making a fool of herself, but at that moment she didn’t recognize it as anyone she knew.

"If you have an hour to spare, I’d like to talk to you. It wasn’t possible the last time we saw each other."

"Actually, I'm really busy and…" she stopped. "Sonny?!"

She uttered that name, letting out all the air in her lungs.

"I'm sorry, I was assuming you would have recognized me."

"We've never spoken on the phone; your voice sounds a little different."

There was a brief embarrassed silence, then he spoke again: "Maybe I shouldn’t have called you."

"No! You just caught me off guard. I'm at the Chelsea Piers ice rink." She had never given him her number. Oh, but he had called her work number, which anyone could find on the internet.

"Are you with someone?"

"No, I’m alone," she replied, repenting it instantly. If she wanted to avoid that man, she should have said something else.

"Then I can join you if you like. I'm not far from Chelsea, I could be there in twenty minutes."

Loreley took a moment to reflect. It was going to happen sooner or later, so best to get it over with now, so she could get on with her usual life.

"You'll have to rent some skates, because I'm just about to go onto the ice." If he didn’t know how to skate, it would be fun to see him suffer a little.

"I realize that. I'm on my way."

With her hair tied in a ponytail and shields on the blades, Loreley left the locker room and made her way to the rink.

When she saw that the ice had just been smoothed, she smiled with satisfaction but hoped there would be fewer people on it, especially less children… they would make her apprehensive. It had been while trying to avoid a child that she had fallen. The resulting concussion and trauma to the cervical vertebrae had diminished her sense of direction and although she had long since healed, the pain at the back of her neck persisted.

She removed the shields from the blades and slid lightly over the immaculate surface for a few minutes, letting herself be carried away by the music. The chill of the ice under her feet rose and enveloped her whole body, but it was like a pleasant embrace, sometimes electrifying and at others relaxing.

After performing some warm-up exercises, she amused herself with some cross-steps and simple figures, and then tried some jumps. She finished with a few spins of medium difficulty, but went no further, not wanting to hurt herself.

The music became slow and gentle, as if wrapping itself around her. She lifted her face, gave herself some momentum and raised her arms to shoulder height, then lifted one leg behind her in the Angel pose. As she glided over the ice, with the cool air brushing her skin and lifting her long blonde ponytail, a whirlwind of sensations seemed to direct her towards nothingness, towards an infinite quiet.

Suddenly she became aware that she could collide with the people around her and opened her eyes. A hand touched her outstretched arm; she turned, straightened up and put her raised foot back on the ground.

"Oh... you've arrived!"

"I didn't want to interrupt you," Sonny said. He had appeared beside her almost like magic. Wearing a heavy jacket, a scarf and wool beanie, he skated beside her try to keep up with her.

Loreley slowed down. "Don't apologize, I shouldn’t have been doing certain things with all these people around." She usually skated at times when she knew there would be very few people on the ice, but that afternoon she hadn’t been able to respect that logical caution.

A little boy darted past, almost touching her, and she swerved to the opposite direction, going closer to Sonny, who put a hand on her shoulder as if to protect her. "Let’s not stop here or we’ll be run over," he suggested, looking around.

"I'd rather we didn't stop at all..." Saying that, Loreley accelerated leaving the man behind her and went to the opposite side of the rink, where the large windows offered a lovely close-up view of the Hudson River and the pier where the sports center was located.

Sonny watched her perform a slalom to get past the skaters she encountered along the way. He could easily have reached her in a few seconds but preferred not to follow her. It was clear that she was trying to postpone the moment when they would have to clarify things between them, and he didn't want to put too much pressure on her.

What would he say to Loreley? That he was sorry he’d had sex with her? Would she have believed him? He didn't believe it either. Although he did not remember exactly everything that had happened, he knew that he had never given as much vent to his basest instincts as he had that night; perhaps because he was not very sober, but that mattered very little now. What bothered him most was something quite different.

Among all the women at the wedding, I took Hans' sister to bed of all people!

He’d been drinking, but he wasn’t so drunk that he didn't know who the woman was that he was dragging into the room. So why her? If Hans found out, he would not believe it was a coincidence; no, he would have accused him of doing it on purpose.

He shrugged. Who cares!

Loreley was an adult. And she had been consenting, drunk but consenting and a participant too. No one could have blamed him, and he was wrong to create problems for himself, especially since she had sneaked out of the hotel room without even waiting for him to wake up, without exchanging a single word with him.

That morning he had struggled to piece together everything that had happened; at first he had felt relieved that the girl had vanished, thus avoiding to have to give and receive explanations, but then he told himself that until they had spoken there would always be something outstanding.

He went to the side of the rink and waited for her to join him, giving her a lovely smile.

"How many years have you skated?" he asked her.

"I started figure skating when I was five years old, but I gave it up in my first year of university. Every now and then I come here to take my mind off things and get a little exercise. It's not healthy to sit for hours in an office or in a courtroom. Besides, I like skating too much. What about you?"

"I used to play hockey when I was little more than a kid. But I stopped a long time ago to dedicate myself to music."

"You wouldn't think so, to look at you."

"I think it's like a riding a bike. You get back on it after a long time, and it’s like you’d been riding it just a few days ago. Now we should go and talk somewhere else; maybe we can get a drink here at the bar."