Conversations with the Psychologist

Mistakes: How To Move On

Question: “I recently read that we need to be grateful not only for the wins in our lives, but also for the failures and mistakes. What a strange feeling… How can one be grateful when there is nothing to be grateful for?”

We all make mistakes. But, we do not like to remember them. We feel ashamed and bitter as we think about how mistakes hurt our self-esteem (“How stupid and naive I acted! I was such a fool!”)

And we either try to bury the negative experience deep inside, or create the excuse that the circumstances of the situation or actions of other people were beyond our control. The other tactic is to constantly blame ourselves for feeling disappointed and upset.

I do not belong to the group of people that will advise you to forget your mistakes or concentrate on living in the “here and now,” as I do not believe this is the right strategy for working through a negative experience to extract a useful lesson from it.

The past gives us indispensable and very valuable experiences, from which we learn to make rational decisions. We learn from our mistakes, and therefore, forgetting them is not a correct path of action.

Our mistakes remind us of the actions that led to failure, which we should not repeat in the future. They also demonstrate what beliefs and thoughts we need to restructure. If that internal work does not happen, we’ll continue to operate in a vicious circle of bad luck, repeating old mistakes again and again.

In order to turn the bitterness of a mistake into the joy of the lesson, we need to:

– recognize that mistakes are an integral part of every person’s life and that no one is immune from them

– take responsibility for mistakes and faulty beliefs. Admit to yourself that, in all honesty, you were wrong, and analyze what actions or beliefs led to this unfortunate outcome

– distinguish small errors from serious mistakes. We often overestimate the significance of small things and underestimate the real dangers. You do not have to reproach yourself over little things, especially if your mistake caused no harm, but it’s important to seriously evaluate mistakes that have caused major problems in life

– reason logically and reasonably. When the situation which once led to a mistake repeats itself, analyze your next steps. Ask yourself how you could act differently, and how you could avoid the expected negative outcome.

– do not naively assume that the mistake will not happen again just because the participants in the situation are different. The mistake was yours, and therefore, you need to change your behavior or belief

– find support from people who are able to help you understand the situation where you made a mistake or suffered from a faulty belief. This can be your loved ones or friends whom you trust, or a professional psychologist.

Good luck!

Learning To Think Positively

Question: “Recently, everyone is talking about the need to think positively… But how can this be achieved? It’s not as if everyone is born an optimist. How can one learn not to pay attention to various little upsetting things and annoying troubles?”

It’s common knowledge that our physical and psycho-emotional state directly depends on the way we think and what we talk about. Our thoughts define our lives. Many negative things happen, but focusing on the negative is wrong. If life is given to us for happiness, so it must bring joy and pleasure.

Positive thinking is a conscious choice made by each person. Life does not always bring happy moments. Everyone has the right to choose those thoughts that will help them find a more constructive way out of a difficult situation and reinforce the fight against hardship.

Even in the most difficult life moments, you can still find something good. You just need to be able to see it. When you choose positive thinking in life, you can free yourself from the restrictions of negative thoughts and can see that life is filled with opportunities and solutions, not just worries and obstacles.

Positive thinking affects one’s physical as well as mental state and the ability to adapt to circumstances and unforeseen changes in life. When a person realizes this, he receives an ongoing motivation to think positively.

Attitudes towards life depend only on personal choice. If someone is used to depending on the negative emotions of other people, then this is also a personal choice. One needs to realize that thoughts and feelings can be controlled. Once this realization is made, it becomes clear that one can also change thinking patterns.

Often, things seem more significant than they really are, and certainly do not involve as much anxiety as a person actually thinks. Do not allow yourself to succumb to anxiety. You need to calmly think about and make a weighted decision.

Working With Negative Thoughts

It is important to identify those negative subconscious thoughts which do not allow you to look at the world in a different way. When you learn to quickly identify them, you can then challenge and block them. When you identify a negative thought and understand its origin, you are able to counteract it with positive responses.

Black and White Thinking

In this type of thinking, everything that a person encounters is perceived as either “all” or “nothing,” with no other possibilities. For example, if something goes wrong and life is not like a person wanted or envisioned things would be, the situation can immediately fall into the category of being terrible, unsalvageable, and hopeless. Such a person thinks only in two extremes-positive and negative.

But in order to judge a situation for what it is, it is necessary to make a list of all possible outcomes. This approach enables one to see that everything is not as terrible as it seems. If you can see shades of grey in situations, and not just black and white, you can grow to understand that negative situations are not the end of the world.

Personalization

In this type of thinking, a person thinks that if something went wrong, then he himself is the cause of failure. This approach leads to feeling terrible in any situation, or responsible for everything.

To avoid this trap, it is necessary to be rational and think carefully about the causes and all possible factors that could have contributed to a situation’s negative outcome.

“Filtered” Thinking

Some tend to focus on receiving only negative messages, given the information provided to them. For example: your boss praises you for the work you’ve done, but also mentions what could be improved next time. Although your boss is trying to help, you perceive this as a harsh criticism.

If you continue to think this way, it is likely that you will never see anything positive in any critical remark. Meanwhile, after a moment’s reflection, you could have come to the conclusion that the boss’s positive comments significantly outweighed the negative ones.

Catastrophic Thinking

This is the viewpoint in which a person is completely pessimistic and believes that everything is doomed to fail. To counter this type of thinking, one must become a realist and seek evidence against negative beliefs.

Predictive Thinking

Someone may think that if their past relationship failed, any new relationship is doomed to fail, too. And it will most likely fail because that person has already programmed such an outcome in his mind, and the human subconscious will do everything to prove him right.

Instead, it would be helpful to learn from each individual life situation and apply your knowledge to new situations to avoid making the same mistakes.

An effective method to start restructuring negative thoughts is to question yourself. For example: “Is this situation as bad as I imagine it?” or “How can such bad thoughts help me?”

Positive thinking, like any other skill, requires practice. It takes time to cultivate positive thinking, as learning to think positively requires that we develop certain skills and abilities. Learn to praise yourself regularly and make a list of what you could thank yourself for every day. This will have a positive effect on your thoughts and emotions. Try to find something good in all events, things, and people. Praise yourself for the work you have done and do not blame others or yourself for mistakes.

This way, you will be able to reinforce your self-esteem and will clearly see what you were able to achieve through your own efforts.

Learn to perceive problematic situations and people as opportunities that give you the chance to learn and grow. When you see something positive in other people, you can let your thoughts and feelings move in the same direction.

Developing positive thinking will bring you closer towards being able to control your own life.

About Forgiveness: How To Forgive And Let Go

Question: “By nature, I am a very sensitive person. I always have the feeling that life is unfair and that it constantly throws unpleasant surprises at me, either through other people or through situations. I can’t help but feel offended all the time. This accumulated resentment gradually begins to eat at me from within. I really want to change something, but I do not know how to do that. Tell me, please, what I should do.”

Each of us, regardless of age and life experience, has been faced with situations in which we were hurt by the people around us. Some have had more situations like this in their lives and some less, but each of us has our own experience with them.

As a result of such painful situations, we experience very unpleasant feelings. We may feel offended or insulted, and these painful emotions can live within us for many, many years, badly poisoning our lives. Prolonged exposure to strong and destructive emotions can cause significant harm to health. Suppressed moods, low self-esteem, feelings of guilt or helplessness, depression, and psychosomatic illnesses can pave the way to developing malignant tumours in our bodies as a physical response to the ongoing pain.

This is why it is very important to learn how to forgive and stop holding grudges and the negative emotions connected to these situations, making room for positive emotions and sensations and for joyful events in life.

The importance of forgiveness is affirmed by representatives of various religions as well as numerous psychologists and teachers. All of them speak as one, maintaining that if an offender appears in a person’s life, this may not just be a coincidence. For some reason, we need to go through difficult and painful experiences, learn to love regardless of the circumstances, and learn to forgive and change something in ourselves.

For example – often when women are hurt by men in their lives, this is a sign that a woman does not love herself enough, or is so immersed in caring for others that she completely loses her true self. She might experience a subconscious, implicit aggression towards men.

Before forgiving…

It is worth mentioning that forgiveness is a hard work. You almost always have to relive the pain that was once experienced, or it can become impossible to let go and forgive. The result that can be achieved, being freed from that heavy weight, is worth it. You will feel freer and easier, and life will shine with new possibilities.

When we free ourselves from the pain of feeling offended, then a place is vacated in our hearts for the creative energy of love. A person then shines from within, and this becomes noticeable to others. If we are able to accept and forgive, then everything becomes much more comfortable and joyful. Before deciding to forgive (and, for this, there are numerous techniques), I recommend taking the following steps.

First, try to understand that, no matter how painful and difficult it is for us, there is much to be learned from this situation. And while we may not feel this because of strong emotions and the feeling that we have been unjustly treated, there is a deep meaning and opportunity, by passing the test, to become better and improve our lives.

Secondly, try to remember all the people that have offended you, who you feel insulted by to this day. Make a list of them and then select those with whom your strongest emotions are connected. You will then have two groups of people.

Now choose someone to forgive. It is easier to work through insignificant insults first and then move to stronger and more painful ones, but some may feel it’s easier to do this the other way around. You can forgive and say goodbye to both a living person and the ghosts from the past that prevent you from living in the present.

Potato Bag

When working with forgiveness, I often tell a story about a Chinese mentor who was consulted by a young man who wanted to learn a bit of his wisdom.

Young Man: “You are so wise. You are always in a good mood, never angry. Help me to be like that! Teach me!”

The mentor agreed and asked the student to bring some potatoes and a bag.

“If you get angry with someone and feel offended,” the teacher said, “then take one potato. On one side, write your name. On the other, write the name of the person who offended you. Then put this potato in a your bag.”

“And that’s all?” the student asked in bewilderment.

“No,” answered the teacher. “You should always carry this bag with you. And every time someone offends you, you should add a potato to it.”

The student agreed.

Some time passed. The student’s bag became quite heavy. It was very inconvenient to always carry it with him. In addition, the potatoes that he put in first were beginning to rot. They were covered in slippery slime, had sprouted, and began smelling foul.

The student came to the teacher and said, “It’s impossible to carry this bag around anymore. Firstly, the bag is too heavy, and secondly, the potatoes are now rotten and they smell…”

Do you think you need to carry a bag of rotten potatoes inside of you?

Farewell To The Role Of The Victim

Feeling offended destroys you from within, endlessly bringing back the trauma of the situation and causing you to experience being a victim again and again.

Often, holding a grudge is used to justify both the situation in the present and inaction. For example: because I was cheated by my ex back then, I will not even attempt to try and build a relationship with anyone else. Or, I was deceived by my business partner once, so I will not do any more business.

Thus, forgiveness becomes a conscious decision to reject the willingness to suffer any further. It lets you say goodbye/farewell to the role of the victim.

Most of the time, we get hurt when what is happening does not coincide with our expectations and what we consider to be “right.”

The “right parents” are loving parents; the “right friends” are those who will never betray us; the “right partner” is the one who will always be by my side.

And, if not? If the situation did not live up to my expectations, maybe I’m wrong. I am a wrong child, friend, or partner? Maybe the reason is within me, and it is all my fault?

This is how pain and guilt become a part of one’s personality.

Forgiveness allows us to complete the cycle of pain and say goodbye to feeling like a victim. It means forever freeing ourselves from hurting.

Forgiveness is a movement towards a new and better life while holding on to all of our life experiences and lessons gained from that painful situation.

When you analyze the pain caused by someone, stop asking “Why?” Instead, ask yourself: “For what? Why was I given this situation in meeting with this person, and what can I learn from these events?”

The past is our heritage and our experience, and is very valuable, whatever it is. We need to extract all the important lessons from our past, be grateful for them, and accept that this experience was needed for our development.

Hold on to the experience, but let go of your grudge against the person who caused you pain. That person was just a pawn in the development of your soul, necessary to move you to a new level. And if you think that those who offended you and caused you pain do not deserve forgiveness, remember that you forgive them not because they deserve it, but because you deserve it.

Good luck!

Tips for Getting Back Refreshed After A Vacation

Question: “August is finally here, and it’s time to think about a vacation. My husband and I work hard all year and feel we need to get some rest. Unfortunately, no matter how well we plan our vacation, we come back from the trip tired every time, as if we did not rest. What is the problem? What should we do to ensure that long-awaited holidays will really allow us to rest and come back refreshed?”

Our life itself is one great journey: a journey where we learn, grow, and get experience. Traveling on vacation can bring pleasant emotions and help you rest. It’s a chance to see the world, change your point of view, and expand the boundaries of your personality. And, finally, the journey is the best lesson you can afford.

When we travel, we expand our outlook, gain new knowledge, change, and get rid of outdated beliefs.

Some more advantages of traveling:

• Travel will help you become more self-confident. You will see and, perhaps, get acquainted with people who are different from you, behave differently, and live different lives. Some things may surprise you and some may cause you to feel grateful for the life you are fortunate to live. Meeting new people during a journey is always interesting and informative, as the people we meet have different experiences, worldviews, perhaps come from quite different environments.

• You will improve relationships with your loved ones. Often, conflicts and relationship problems happen because we get tired of our routines. Changing the environment and getting new, bright experiences during the trip will allow you to look at your relationships from a new angle.

• You may give up judgments such as “I’m too old/poor/stupid/sick” in order to travel. You will see that not only do young and strong people travel around the world, but also old people and the disabled, mothers with children, and so on. Travel demonstrates that life is worth living. It beats finding excuses about why this or that cannot be done.

• After each trip, you will feel as if you have completed one more lesson in the school of life. Besides, you did it with fun and excitement. You immersed yourself in another culture, met new people, tasted unfamiliar food, and gave yourself a chance to change your outlook on the world. You will also see your life from a completely different perspective, and may notice many new opportunities for self-development.

But in order for the vacation and your planned travel to really become a holiday, try not to forget about certain rules.

• Before you leave, try to finish all the important (and not very important) things at work and at home. Most of all, we get tired of unfinished business. If it is not possible to complete all pending tasks, then try at least to leave that unfinished business at home and not carry “worrying” about it with you on your trip. This could cloud the joy of your vacation days.

• Do not make too many plans for your vacation. Let your vacation life be a bit spontaneous. Do what you want, and if something was planned but you do not want to do it, ask yourself: “Do I really need to do this?”

• Try to rid yourself of hustle, at least during your vacation. We are always in a rush – we try to do several things at the same time, and feel guilty if we don’t. But, after all, vacation is for rest, not for continuing an endless race.

• Go to bed and get up when you want. Forget about the alarm clock. And eat meals only when you’re hungry, not because it’s time and you have nothing better to do.

• Try not to overload yourself with excursions and sightseeing-they require a lot of energy and may tire you more than a full day of work.

• The most important approach is to learn to enjoy ordinary things – the sun, the nature around you, the company of your loved ones, your health. Don’t focus on everyday troubles. The ability to enjoy life helps you live your life with joy all year round, not just during vacation.

Also, do not allow any familiar “role” dictate how you should behave. We take on social roles in life that support our self-esteem, allowing us to look good in our own eyes. For example: someone you know may like to travel and travels a lot, but after each trip, he does not talk about wonderful things and places he has seen, but only about how much hassle and troubles he encountered.

His baggage was lost, the plane was delayed, the hotel service was bad, the weather wasn’t good, he was cheated at a restaurant, and so on. Most likely, this person is using such descriptions of his travel to criticize these experience and thus feel better. And the social role this person bears doesn’t allow him to enjoy the trip, but rather leads him to travel in order to have a reason to complain and receive sympathy from those who hear these stories. After all, in any such story, there are two themes: “how much I suffered” and “what a hero I am.”

Optimists and pessimists look at the same world, but see it very differently. Anyone who travels with a positive outlook will find something interesting and exciting even in the poorest of environments. A more optimistic person will most likely have a more enjoyable and successful trip than a pessimist. In this sense, “lucky” and “unlucky” travelers are in an equal position-everyone just finds their own role.

The key to emotional wellbeing in life and on a short journey equally depends on being able to accept yourself as you are, defining any experience or new meeting as being positive, valuable, and welcome.

The Greek poet Constantinos Cavafy wrote, in his poem “Ithaca” (on Odysseus’ travels as depicted in Homer’s ancient Greek epic poem “Iliad and Odyssey’): “As you set out for Ithaka, pray your road is a long one, full of adventure, full of discovery… But don’t hurry the journey at all. Better if it lasts for years, so you’re old by the time you reach the island, wealthy with all you’ve gained on the way, not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.”

It is all about the journey, and our life is a journey itself that is more important than reaching the final destination. And thanks to this view of life in general and every journey in particular, one can work out a positive outlook for travel.

No matter where you go (whether to a five-star hotel; on a hike with a tent; or a hitchhiking tour of Europe), what’s important is the experiences and knowledge you will bring back from those journeys.

Travel is not a way to escape from yourself and your problems. As the old saying tells us, “No matter where you go, you will always take yourself with you.” Our life is a physical reflection of our thinking. Therefore, by improving our inner world and filling ourselves with a positive outlook and interest in our own life and the lives of others, we begin to see and understand more, and our life becomes more rich and happy.

Safe travels and good rest!