I Have You Now

It was a moment and suddenly the whole reality around me became dark.

I felt disconnected, as if I had been catapulted into another world.

I was on an elegant and very spacious staircase.

In front of me there was that man's hand again.

It was leaning towards me and I could feel my body tensing towards it, but the pain in my chest returned stronger than ever.

My breath broke in my throat, while my body fell backwards, into the void.

I tried to counter the invisible force that was pulling me towards the abyss, but I could not.

In front of me there was only that man leaning forward to grab me.

I saw his hand extended to me, but I only managed to touch it for a split second.

I looked up for a brief moment before falling.

I met my gaze with that of the man.

I read a shadow of fear and disbelief in it.

"Aleksej", I whispered desperately for help, as his hand became more and more distant and the pain unbearable.

Then everything disappeared and darkness returned.

A darkness torn only by my own screams mixed with those of the man who called the doctors.

With my heart pumping frantically and my body shaking with fear, I opened my eyes and realized I was crying.

I was completely curled up on myself, like a sheet of paper before being thrown into the trash.

I blinked several times to free myself from tears and in the end I saw it: that man's hand was in mine.

I was squeezing it so tightly that my nails stuck in his skin.

That image was like a sweet awakening.

"I did it ... I got you ..." I stammered shaken by a tears of relief and shock at what seemed to be a hallucination, as I was back in the white room where I had woken up again.

"What are you saying?", he asked me confused and out of breath.

"I… I was falling. Aleksej… ", I tried to explain without knowing how to do it. I was so devastated that I couldn't come up with a meaningful sentence.

"Then you remember me now", he hissed with a hint of sarcasm in his voice that left me unsettled.

Aleksej.

Yes, I remembered him, even if for the moment it was just a name and a physical body, devoid of an identity.

A little light of hope and memories of a distant and confused past.

I smiled with relief.

At that moment the doctor and two nurses came running.

I immediately heard the man get angry and shout something. It took me a moment, but then I realized that he was speaking another language.

A language that I gradually felt I knew.

They were talking about post-traumatic shock, reabsorbing brain hemorrhage, anxiolytics, while the man next to me was furious at not being warned about what had just happened and screamed that he was paying them enough to get answers about my health to make me heal.

"We don't know how long it will take, but surely we talk about at least a week", the doctor tried to say in the same foreign language.

"A week?!", the other got angry.

"Discharge her earlier could be risky. The microfracture of the skull takes time and the hemorrhage is not yet completely reabsorbed. In these cases, hospitalization cannot be less than two weeks."

"I don't want to stay here!", I interjected worriedly, clutching that hand to my chest from which I could no longer separate myself.

"You also speak Russian ... Why doesn't that surprise me?" the man hissed nervously, turning to me with a look so sharp that it left me breathless.

With a yank, he freed his hand from my grip.

"No…", I blew softly as if they had blown air out of my lungs.

"Keep her as long as you want, but I want this shame to end", the man growled, getting up from my bed and walking towards the door. Then he looked back at me. "And you, Kendra, have until tomorrow to… get your memory back. The time to play is long over."

"Aleksej", I whispered again in anguish, but he left leaving me at the mercy of myself and those doctors who immediately came to visit me and fill me with questions.

I was frightened because, as the questions increased, the awareness of having a big black hole in my head became more and more clear and vivid inside me.

The question that tormented me was: who am I?

Aleksej was the only thing I remembered.

He was my foothold in order not to drown in anxiety.

I wondered who I was and remembered that he had called me Kendra, but that name meant nothing to me.

I asked the nurses several times about Aleksej, but they didn't seem to want to listen to me.

I felt panic overwhelm me again, but before I could react and run to the only person I remembered, the doctor got a shot and shortly after I fell asleep.

CHAPTER 3

KENDRA

"Kendra, would you like if we try to concentrate and visualize your memories again?", asked the psychologist to whom my neurologist had addressed, after spending two days controlling my panic attacks and my seizures, that had started ever since I realized I had lost my memory.

Unfortunately, even with the psychologist things weren't going much better.

Every time I closed my eyes, I relived the same scene: I falling down the stairs, trying to grab Aleksej's hand.

The doctor had explained to me that this was not a hallucination, but a flashback of what had happened and that caused my hospitalization due to the injuries, including a skull fracture, a sprained ankle, a fracture of the meniscus, an injury to the right arm, a bruise on the face and a bad wound in the chest whose cause I had not yet understood.

For the doctors I was a miracle worker, because I could have died or been paralyzed due to the fall.

In those two days, I had done a lot of tests and finally the cerebral hemorrhage had disappeared with great relief for everyone.

However, Aleksej had not yet shown himself, and the more time passed, the more restless I felt.

I had repeatedly asked about him and if anyone knew why he was angry with me, everyone had avoided my questions with embarrassment.

"Kendra?" the psychologist called me back, bringing me back to reality.

"I've already told you. I don't remember anything. I don't know my name, where I come from, how I ended up here and, even though I know that the man is called Aleksej, I don't really remember anything about him. I just know that he knows me and he seems very angry with me. I don't understand ... What have I done to him? Why does he know me?"

"Let's try to get back to you."

"I'm sick of being bombarded with questions I can't answer" I blurted out, feeling my headache come back, like every time I fidgeted or struggled to remember.

"I'm just trying to help you".

"So, if you want to help me, call Aleksej. I'm sure he will be able to answer your questions and I will be able ..."

"Will you be able?"

"Nothing", I muttered embarrassed. I didn't want to reveal how alone I felt with my fears and questions, in that hospital bed, surrounded only by strangers.

As much as he scared me, Aleksej was the only memory I had. The only thing that kept me clinging to that shred of rationality, without drowning in madness.

"Mr. Vasilyev is not available at the moment."

"Are you talking about Aleksej?" That surname meant nothing to me.

"Yes."

"Please, I need him. I don't know what I must have done so badly to have made him hate me so much, but if only I could remember… ", I exploded, destroyed, bursting into tears.

"Kendra".

"I'd just like to talk to him and get some answers" I sobbed as my mind returned to the only memory I had, making me want only to reach Aleksej and feel safe.

***

ALEKSEJ

When I saw the name of the clinic's neurologist on my cell phone display, I felt restless for a moment.

"I hope there is some news" I began without preamble.

"Not what you expect, but ... "

"Then I am not interested" I cut short irritably.

"Mr. Vasilyev, please, you must believe me if I tell you that there is a real possibility that the patient is suffering from retrograde amnesia due to the severe head trauma reported. However, we are only talking about a mnemonic gap linked exclusively to memories, but not to gestures and behaviors. Even her language has not been damaged and the woman passes from Russian to English without the slightest difficulty. Not to mention that short-term or post-traumatic memory is intact."

"I do not care! I want to know what she's been doing to me in the past eight months" I snapped, slamming my fist on the desk.

"There are chances that memory will come back" the doctor stammered uncomfortably.

"I cannot believe. You are one of the best neurologists on the market, but you are so stupid that you have not yet understood that this amnesia thing is just a hoax."

"There are still many questions in my field, but I can assure you that there was and still is an injury" the offended doctor replied dryly. "Rather, I advise you to visit the woman."

"If she hasn't already run away."

"Run away?" It's impossible! Her room is under constant surveillance, as you requested. Furthermore, the patient's health conditions are still too precarious to walk alone for more than a few meters."

"Has she already asked you for a cell phone?"

"Yes."

"Seen? I was right! She is trying to cheat you!"

"She just asked us to call you. Repeatedly" the man countered.

"Me?"

"Yes. The psychologist claims that a sort of addiction has been created towards you because of her only memory. Kendra Palmer is suffering a lot, she feels alone and abandoned. She has no one and she suffers a lot from this amnesia. Our advice is to go back and talk to her, trying to put aside the hatred you feel, unless you want to tell her the truth."

"I'll never play her sneaky games."

"I don't think she is playing, but if you want to have answers, I think you are the only one who can have them. You have already managed to get her a memory. Who knows if your closeness won't make others emerge."

CHAPTER 4

ALEKSEJ

"Where is it?" I hissed through clenched teeth to contain my anger.

I had to force myself to give in to what was just blackmail and come this far.

And now that I was in that dirty liar's bedroom, paying thousands of dollars for her to heal and keep that shelter a secret and guarded, I found the bed empty.

"I don't understand ... She can't walk alone ... We took her to her room a few minutes ago after having the CT scan" the nurse replied.

"Look for it and bring it here. Now" I ordered before I lost my patience completely.

I was trying to understand how she had managed to escape when I heard a noise coming from the private bathroom of the room.

There, I quickly found Kendra.

She was holding on to the edge of the sink to keep from falling and she was looking at herself in the mirror.

She was even more pale and thin than the last time I saw her.

"Is it me, that one?" She asked desperately, pointing to her reflection.

I approached cautiously and stood beside her.

"In your opinion?"

"I… I don't know. I don't even recognize myself" she whispered sadly with tears in her eyes.

"You shouldn't get out of bed alone," I scolded her when I noticed how difficult she was walking, so much so that I was forced to hold her up and take her back to bed.

"Who am I, Aleksej?" She asked me.

"You have therefore decided to continue with this game."

"Why do you always think he's playing? Am I such a mean person that you expect me to?"

"Yes" I replied, surprised by her question and her worried look.

"What have I done wrong to you to deserve such an answer?"

"You betrayed me and teased me" I reminded her, leaning forward and imprisoning her with my gaze.

"I don't remember ... Sorry ... I don't even know who I am and you seem the only one who really knows me."

"Already. Knowledge paid for at a high price."

"I'm sorry ... I don't know what to say."

"When you approached me and decided to follow me, I warned you never to try to cheat me."

"When did it happen? How long have we known each other?"

"Eight months" I replied trying to catch the slightest sign of deception in her face and voice.

"It's not long."

"It depends on your point of view."

"In recent months I have talked to you about me, who I was before I met you?"

"You have always been very elusive about your past" I reminded her, omitting the research I had done on her.

"Why?"

"Maybe because of your criminal past." My answer made her jump and startle. I watched her carefully. She seemed sincere.

"Am I a criminal? Oh my God! Did I kill someone?" She stammered uncomfortably, her cheeks flushed with shame.

"I don't know, but you ended up in jail for a couple of years."

Kendra turned completely white.

"For the theft of jewelry" I continued with disappointment, in front of the disbelief I saw in her eyes. I expected her to be countered by her or her disdain for my statements. Instead, nothing.

"I'm a bad person" she started sobbing. "Why have you stayed close to me all these months?"

"You just got out of jail and had nowhere to go. Besides, you were interested in my business, so I gave you a chance despite knowing the risks I would take, but I took your word for it when you swore you would never cheat me."

"Did I rob you?"

"You tried and then you went further."

"Did I hurt you?" Is that why you are so mad at me?" She tried to ask me, starting to moan from the pain in her head.

"I expect you to answer these questions" I said sternly and oblivious to her headache.

"Was it you who pushed me down the stairs?"

"No." I started to get up and leave, but again I felt my left hand grab.

"Please don't leave me alone" she pleaded just before falling asleep.

***

KENDRA

The headache hadn't left me since Aleksej left.

What he had told me had destroyed me.

Not remembering anything was already difficult, but knowing that my past was so terrible, it almost made me want to not regain my memory.

I remained closed in on myself, brooding for a whole day, until Aleksej returned the following evening.

Unlike the other times, he wore jeans and a leather jacket instead of the usual smart dark suit and white shirt. His raven hair was always pulled back perfectly.

He sat down on a chair beside the bed and watched me.

I was getting used to his presence, but his eyes were deep black pools into which he risked falling into them. It was impossible to look away. It was as if a magnet pushed me towards him until it swallowed me.

"Hello" I greeted him, sitting down too.

"The doctors say you are recovering. The bleeding has completely disappeared and you are able to move your arm again ", he began without returning the greeting.

"Yeah… I have to thank you for that. A nurse told me that you pay all the health care costs."

"Exact."

"I promise you I'll pay you every cent back."

"I doubt it."

“ I will look for a job. You know, I thought about what you said to me and I decided that, even if my memory comes back to me, I won't do anything criminal anymore", I told him firm and determined to use what had happened to me as a sign of destiny to change my life.

Aleksej didn't answer me, but he seemed troubled by the way he kept putting his hands in his dark hair.

Then, suddenly, he got up and started to leave.

"Will you come back to see me again tomorrow?", I tried to ask him hopefully, but in response he gave me a fleeting glance and left without even saying goodbye. As always.

Another five days passed.

Every evening, at the usual time, Aleksej appeared at the door, sat away from me and stared at me.

Never a hello or a hint of my improvements, as the neurologist was already keeping him updated.

Each time it stood like a wall of silence between us, until I came up with a new question that he always knew how to answer.

I had thus discovered that I was born on the sixteenth of October twenty-nine years earlier, in Seattle. Apparently I hadn't had a relationship with my family for years, and Aleksej had only been able to tell me that my mother, Ulita Smirnov, was of Russian descent, while my father, Jacob Palmer, was American. I was an only child.

I didn't have a home or an honest job.

I asked him what I did for him, but he didn't answer me.

"So what is today's question?" Aleksej began that day.

"Am I a graduate or a high school graduate?"

"I do not know."

"Do I have friends?"

"No."

"Do you think I should contact my family again? Maybe seeing them would make my memory come back."

"I've already tried looking for them but to no avail. Maybe they're dead."

"Oh" I muttered heartbroken.

"Where will I go when I get out of here? Are you really sure I don't have a house of my own?"

"Yes."

"So where have I lived all these years? Where are my belongings?"

"Your stuff is in my house."

"In your house?!"

"Yes."

"Why?"

Aleksej was about to answer me when the nurse who had taken me to do the last MRI a few hours earlier entered the room.

"Excuse me. Miss, I brought back the ring that we had taken off to do the MRI. Forgive me for the carelessness. It fell to the ground and I had not seen him", she mumbled in deep embarrassment, continuing to move his frightened gaze to Aleksej, as he placed my ring on the edge of the bedside table.

In all those days, I had often toyed with that ring as if it were a stress reliever, but I had never asked myself what that jewel meant to me. I was always too confused or anxious to think about it

I thanked her, while the nurse ran out.

I leaned forward to take my only personal item I owned, but accidentally hit it with my fingertips, knocking it to the floor.

Slowly I sat up, put my feet on the ground and tried to bend over, but my head started spinning and I felt that my legs would not hold my weight if I was bent.

Luckily Aleksej arrived and took me by the arm.

"You may have lost your memory, but apparently you haven't lost your craving for diamonds" Aleksej exclaimed sharply, grabbing the ring and handing it to me.

"Are they real diamonds?", I asked him taking the ring from his hand, but being careful not to touch it, since I had noticed that lately he was doing everything to stay as far away from me as possible.

"Yes."

I turned it over in my fingers.

It was really handsome and he shone a lot. It seemed to be very valuable.

A spectacular ring. The most beautiful I've ever seen in my life.

Suddenly that phrase rang in my mind.

Excited and agitated by that memory, I looked at Aleksej.

He was sitting next to me and his right leg brushed mine.

There was something intimate in that contact.

I let my gaze slide over his body to his face.

And I saw him.

We were no longer in the hospital room, but in a luxurious study with mahogany furniture.

My legs were no closer to Aleksej's, but on top.

I was sitting on his lap.

I could hear my voice in the distance, uttering words like proposal and marriage.

Yes, I do, Aleksej. I will marry you.

I started upset and suddenly the flashback stopped him.

Before me the man of my memories returned.

"Are you okay?" He suddenly asked me seriously, as if he knew what I had just remembered.

I nodded hesitantly.

Now I understood why he hated me so much, but not enough to leave me at the mercy of myself, unassisted.

How could he accept that he had married a criminal?

How many lies had I told him?

"You didn't tell me we're married" I managed to utter embarrassedly.

"What?!" he reacted shocked, jerking away.

"Do we also have children?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I had a flashback about the two of us. You gave me this ring and I think you asked me to marry you. It was all confusing, but I clearly remember telling you I wanted it and that I was going to marry you."

"We're not married," he interrupted, running his hands through his black hair with frenzy, so much so that he ruined his always perfect style.

"So I had a hallucination", I was even more frightened.

"No, you remember well. More or less."

"Then?"

Aleksej looked at me with an expression that I could not define, but that made my heart beat like a madman.

"Yes, we were supposed to get married, but then with the accident, everything was canceled", he replied cautiously.

"Why didn't you tell me right away? Are you ashamed of me because I'm a thief?"

Aleksej didn't answer me, but he continued to stare at me in disbelief.

"You told me I cheated on you. Does that mean I slept with someone else? Did you mean it? Or is it because I hid my criminal past from you?", I continued undaunted, determined to get answers.

"I have to go," he answered dryly after a long silence that wore me out.

"No, wait! Aleksej!", I begged him, but he was already gone.

The next day he didn't come back to see me and I felt I had lost him forever.

The world was collapsing on me and I didn't know how to stop it.